Not Anonymous

I slept like a log last night.
Woke up at dawn and watched a first instances of light filter through... and went back to sleep.
No dreams.
No visions.
Just... pure sleep.

Last night I was unable to write about the film coherently because I was still in a state of catharsis.
It's a very difficult movie, the animation creates a buffer from the gory reality that is portrayed and the seamless transition between the present, memory and hallucination was... magnificent.

Ari Folman is a very courageous film maker, he is making a statement that is very, very political but yet transcends "Left" or "Right", he's showing how we remember that which we really don't want to.
Folman himself doesn't consider the film to be political, just very personal.
But everyone knows, by now, that the Personal is Political and he shows us exactly how intricate that relationship is.

We don't see what went through the minds of the Phalangists or of the Palestinians, he only shows us what goes on in the mind of kids men, who were kids, that witnessed an atrocity and were also complicit in it.

As I said, watching the movie inevitably brought back memories of my own War.
The second Lebanon war.
I recognised Beirut in ruins and I recognised the aerial films that target people in order to bomb them.
Not much has changed.
That could very well have been a point.

Memory is a weird and, ha, surreal thing.
It's also a real thing, though not tangible.
The film shows how this works, how events that are experienced, history will construe differently.
There are complete scenes in the movie that reminded me of things I experienced, but I don't really want to give things away because not knowing all the details and spoilers really enhances the viewing.
One thing that is by now well known about the movie is that at the very end, just before the credits, there is actual footage of Sabra and Shatila after the massacre and it happens just as the young soldier remembers, clearly and really, what happened.
Those memories of war which for twenty years he just didn't want to remember.

It was extraordinary.

Watching the movie wasn't just cathartic for me.
With this viewing I feel I've come full circle with myself as far as my own war is concerned.
Which makes me very, very glad.
Because with the closing of this story I don't need to be haunted any more, I don't need to make sure all the time that I'm not too anxious or starting a spiral of panic.
I'm stronger than I used to be.
Even my therapist says so... and so I've reached a peak of my therapy and will no longer be needing to see her on such a regular basis... just when and if I need to.
Which makes me very, very glad.

Behind the very beautiful moving pictures is a very real and true story, history and it is unforgiving.
This movie is an anti-war film in the sense that when you identify with the soldiers, and you do, you don't want to be there just as much as them.
I have a feeling I'll carry this movie for a long time.

The trailer is really just a taste, a drop in the ocean that is this film: ( Waltz with Bashir )

I hope this didn't take too much of your time.

Fuck.

Well, that's one way to start an entry about the War and the two years that followed it.

When I was called into to the HQ for war-time reserve I really didn't think I'd be stuck there for a month. I didn't think my life would ever include running on adrenaline, going to the bathroom twice in a twelve hour shift and seeing people blow up.

During that time I did my best to disassociate myself from what was going on (I wore a uniform so ripped and graffitied upon, I put on Pride buttons, I drew Venus symbols on the pants and at every opportunity I sat in half a uniform, just the pants and a tank-top - just so I wouldn't look like I was conforming, despite the fact that I was). I was competent and did my best to help the people I was with, but I never tried to improve my skill, I was there to support my fellow shift members - even doing four shifts in a row so that they could get a proper rest and not fall apart at the seams, somehow, I held myself together and didn't fall apart until six months later.

During the War itself I ignored this intuitive knowledge, just like everyone else. I remember saying things that annoyed the people around me because my belief in what I was doing was pretty non-existent, but I did it because I was told I was needed and I'm just that much of a sucker (though no, knowing what I know now I'd never agree to do this sort of thing again... being an agent of death once, was enough).

In the six months following the War I went through a lot of changes. Most of them can be read in this here LJ, if you're so inclined. Basically, the values I held in theory began to solidify and I really couldn't look back at that month of my life without feeling guilty and helpless - especially because at the time I knew that we had gone on the rampage for bravado and to scare The Enemy into submission and not to really go in and get the kidnapped soldiers (yes, the ones returned to us last week).

It was also during those months that my friends and family realised that something was Wrong. I felt Wrong, like I was outside myself, that I had no control over what was going on inside of me and outside of me. So after many attempts to just talk to my friends about the fact that I don't sleep, am constantly angry, am constantly crying and that I am in a constant state of hate, rage and profound distrust, I actually went and sought professional help.

It was also during this time that I drifted quite far away from the comfy Left-of-Centre politics I had lived the majority of my life - Feminist, racism is bad, the Settlements in the Occupied Territories are the root the Occupation and thus must be removed, etc. etc. etc. All this without any understanding of the machinations that created the circumstances in which carpet bombs were used without notifying anyone on the ground.

And so I drifted Left (I suppose I would be considered Loony or Radical, depending on your perspective) and I feel good being in this place of self-examination and activism, it is probably what has prevented me from stumbling into clinical depression.

Trauma never really goes away.
In Hebrew there is a slang word for someone being messed up over something and never being the same and that is שרוט/ה in English it is "scratched", like a vinyl on a record player, when it hits that scratch there is a warp in the sounds that the vinyl is supposed to emit, but it gets stuck on that warp and the cacophony can be deafening.
It can also carry long distances, two years in measured time.
Most likely for longer.

In the shadow of these events, Haggai Alon (חגי אלון), a political consultant and analyst gave an interview to Ha'aretz reporter Akiva Eldar (עקיבא אלדר) about the goings on behind closed doors in the early days of the War and in the latter days and how many, if not most or all of the terrible, ahem, oversights.
The interview in Hebrew - שבויים בקונספציה.
The interview in English - A painful return to fateful hours.

I don't.
( Ashkenazi: Public must also prepare for next war (for the link-phobic) )

War Mongers and Hawks are nothing new in Israel's Military/Political elite, most of them base their entire careers on the fact that yes, there will be blood shed.

But the kind of hype and type of ministry of defense (see "love") newspeaka as shown above, I find so disgusting, I don't even have the words to describe the kind of disrespect this sort of address is, especially as it was expressed by the current and former IDF Chief(s) of Staff at a memorial in honour dead soldiers, who died in what was a tragic accident.
To talk to the families and media and say that more soldiers are going to die in up coming wars, is enraging.

Not to mention that Gaydamak is using this as another opportunity to score browney points, look at the nice man, giving money for memorial monuments - Gaydamak also set up a tent city for the North Israel citizens who stayed in the Centre and South during Lebanon War II - he's definitely trying to do the whole "Private is Better" - yeah, let the Capitalists take over social security and services, that way the government won't need to be bothered with the citizens it supposedly serves... sorry went of tangent there.

I despise propaganda; especially fascist, military propaganda that uses dead soldiers to move and stir an agenda which most people would actually oppose!
Yes we must prepare for War, citizens and soldiers band together against the Enemy...
Bah!

Today the full Winograd Report (which was partially reported in May last year) is to be published in full to the Prime Minister and the the public.

There has been such a hype about this Report (not to mention the salary the committee members are being paid, I nearly fell out of my chair when I read that this report has cost nearly two million NIS) that I know it's going to be disappointing.
I mean former-Chief of Staff Dan Halutz (may the sun he thinks shines out of his ass consume him in a fiery death!) resigned last year and is basically untouchable - it's no wonder he and Olmert got along so well, bunch of slimy snakes... but I digress.
Former-never-should-have-been Defense Minister Amir Peretz also resigned not long after the war.

Current Defense Minister Ehud Barak is under attack by the reservists who are demanding his resignation - seeing as he said he'd resign if the Report was to be negative.
Because we're expecting a bed of roses with a report that's going to show such utter incompetence when it came to the military operations and defending Israeli citizens in the north.

One thing that has been shouted and echoed throughout most (though certainly not all) society is the call for Olmert to resign.
Now I have no love for the man, I don't anyone other than the close members of his family has, but for him to leave government and to throw Israel into early elections at this point in time would be bad. Seeing that at this point the others we have to chose from are a the Comeback Kids - Fascist Capitalist Pig (who is supported by Fascist but also Racist Capitalist Pig) and Neo-Liberal Capitalist Pig (who is being called to resign by a coalition of reservists who are using their status as Active Patriots to affect civilian politics).

Israeli politics; never boring, always utterly filthy and disgusting.

Seeing as I'll be in Uni when the actual Report is to be released to the press, I'll probably miss the initial influx of reactions, but I'll do my best to write about later today.

Anybody who served (or followed the News) in Lebanon War II knows that Cluster bombs were employed by the IDF over Lebanon.
Those who know what Cluster bombs are all about (if you don't Google it, like everything else to do with weapons there's a lot of info online about it) should be aware that undetonated "bomblets" are either dudds or sleepers that act like land-mines, no need to explain what a land-mine is.

I thought the investigation about the use of Cluster bombs was redundant, because unlike the use of land-mines, which are illegal, Cluster bombs are not illegal under international law.
Just immoral.
And as we all know, morality touches very little on legality when it comes to International law, which is generally about whatever you do inside your own borders is fine, just don't bother us about it.
Seeing as the bombs were dropped outside Israel... well, you know the rest.

Ynet News is defensive about the use of Cluster bombs. And as usual BBC News has no problems with being morally "superior".

I remember when my officer first spoke to me during my service about the weapons in our arsenal and I studied Cluster Bombs I asked her "Isn't this like dropping land-mines on people" - in my 18 year old innocence.
And she said "That's exactly what it is".
"And this is allowed?"
"It's not illegal"
"That's horrible"
"Yes it is"
And we moved on.

Morals and Ethics have very little place in any army. They should.
But they don't.
But so long as no War Time Laws are broken, what difference does it make what the aftermath is.

13:31 - Edited to Add: This what Israel.Indymedia has to say about the Cluster Bomb findings.

13:41 - Edited to Add: Someone else with an opinion - it's in Hebrew over at Friends of George.

And asked me to come in for a day or two some time in the future.

I wonder if the new Reserve office made it clear to my old Unit that I'm not coming back.
That I'm unable to even think about doing what they want me to do.
I'm not cut out for this sort of thing, I went there to help a friend, I went there because my friend asked for help and I did what I could to help.
But I can't anymore.
Not when my heart starts to beat like a it's pumping it's going into a heart attack any second. When just thinking about going down into that bunker causes me to become this meek, spineless, crybaby.

Daddy asked me if I regret going into the Army last summer and one level no I don't, because I helped people and I helped my friends, but on another, yes I do. I regret that I had to come home every night and cry my eyes out and that I had to lose five kilos of weight due to stress. I regret serving in a War that did nothing but kill people, if we had attained our goals maybe it wouldn't have felt so worthless, but all this War did was make Israel look reckless, aggressive and unprepared for fighting an asymmetrical war.

I'm not cut out for watching monitors that show people being killed, and you know despite the fact that the people I saw die had no regard for life and that their goal was to destroy my home, which contrary to what some people think, I love. I can't fight for it the way it asks of me.

I can't.
I love my country, I hate my government. I love the soldiers, I hate the generals. I love the people, I hate the politics.

I love Israel, but I gave what I can and I have nothing else to give that it wants.
All I can offer is that I'll continue writing about what goes on here and tell people that yes, bad things happen here, but since when has bad things happening, made bad people.

Daddy when I told him that essentially yes, I regret having gone to the Army in the summer, despite not regretting helping my friend, I don't feel it was a good time for me. Daddy thinks it was good for me, "a new experience". And let's not forget the money.
Fuck that.
Seriously.
Fuck. That.
War is not "experience". And neither is a drill, not anymore.
I don't enjoy being a bitchy reservist that causes problems to my old unit, but I've been there and it's not the first time they've been low on personnel and it won't be the last, so they'll have to deal without Mel.
And yes it hurts me to do this, but I come first and going to a Drill is not in my best interests.
And asking me "wouldn't you earn money from it?", is not an okay question to ask when I've explained my position!

Hey, y'all remember how I fought for my country, had a slight nervous breakdown and am now left with emotional scarring.

Fucking Bituach Leumi has decided to reject my plea for the money I fucking deserve!
That's a month's worth of money the country fucking owes me!
Some bureaucratic asshole stamped "Rejected" on my papers.

Oh, no. No, no, no, this government, which I didn't even bloody well vote for, is not going to screw me over again!

They had a war, now they've got me and my Mother! To deal with, they'll be running to Assad after I'm done with them!

Damn it's good to feel angry.

Today I went to the 6th annual animation and comics festival in the Cinemateque in Tel-Aviv.

Ooooh, so many things to see and buy! I unfortunately learned about the Festival very late so I wasn't able to go to any lectures or view any of the Animation, but there were a lot of caricatures, mainly of the political kind (what else, especially in Israel). I think due to this war there is finally a consensus in the country about how crappily the whole situation was handled.
It was so tragically humorous.

And I bought a bunch of stuff; one independent comic, four short stories by a local Israeli artist whose name is Dotan Goldwasser, very talented guy, it's not that avant-garde, but very good. An Israeli action comic steeped in Israeli Machismo, but the plot, characters and the whole presentation is very good, it's called "Uzi, an urban legend" - עוזי, אגדה אורבנית. Yeah, there are Uzi guns in it as well.
X-Men: House of M, finally got it! I've been dying to have for years and now it's mine!
And my favourite "A little Endless fairy tale" by Jill Thompson. To any of you Sandman fans, remember in "Fables and Reflections" there's a story where Cain and Able tell young Daniel a story ("Parliament of Rooks") and one of the stories is about the Young Endless, well here's an entire book!

I'm very, very pleased

Just got off the phone with hagar_972, she just informed me that tomorrow is my last shift at the army.

It feels unreal.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off me in some way, the relief is almost painful.
Speaking to Hagar I stopped breathing for a little.

I also found out that Yaron (the guy who I'm sitting with tomorrow) went to a funeral yesterday, a member of his Kibbutz was killed.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.
Relieved certainly, but now suddenly it's as though a Purpose is gone, and even though I suffered greatly and had a hell of a lot of inner conflicts about the whole thing, Being in the army during these interesting times; I don't think I'll ever regret.

Thanks for reading and commenting during this stressful time.

I just got off the phone with hagar_972, the snafu situation I talked about in my previous post is in the OK.

Happiness.
Relief.

It's better.