Scratched

[eumelia]

Fuck.

Well, that's one way to start an entry about the War and the two years that followed it.

When I was called into to the HQ for war-time reserve I really didn't think I'd be stuck there for a month. I didn't think my life would ever include running on adrenaline, going to the bathroom twice in a twelve hour shift and seeing people blow up.

During that time I did my best to disassociate myself from what was going on (I wore a uniform so ripped and graffitied upon, I put on Pride buttons, I drew Venus symbols on the pants and at every opportunity I sat in half a uniform, just the pants and a tank-top - just so I wouldn't look like I was conforming, despite the fact that I was). I was competent and did my best to help the people I was with, but I never tried to improve my skill, I was there to support my fellow shift members - even doing four shifts in a row so that they could get a proper rest and not fall apart at the seams, somehow, I held myself together and didn't fall apart until six months later.

During the War itself I ignored this intuitive knowledge, just like everyone else. I remember saying things that annoyed the people around me because my belief in what I was doing was pretty non-existent, but I did it because I was told I was needed and I'm just that much of a sucker (though no, knowing what I know now I'd never agree to do this sort of thing again... being an agent of death once, was enough).

In the six months following the War I went through a lot of changes. Most of them can be read in this here LJ, if you're so inclined. Basically, the values I held in theory began to solidify and I really couldn't look back at that month of my life without feeling guilty and helpless - especially because at the time I knew that we had gone on the rampage for bravado and to scare The Enemy into submission and not to really go in and get the kidnapped soldiers (yes, the ones returned to us last week).

It was also during those months that my friends and family realised that something was Wrong. I felt Wrong, like I was outside myself, that I had no control over what was going on inside of me and outside of me. So after many attempts to just talk to my friends about the fact that I don't sleep, am constantly angry, am constantly crying and that I am in a constant state of hate, rage and profound distrust, I actually went and sought professional help.

It was also during this time that I drifted quite far away from the comfy Left-of-Centre politics I had lived the majority of my life - Feminist, racism is bad, the Settlements in the Occupied Territories are the root the Occupation and thus must be removed, etc. etc. etc. All this without any understanding of the machinations that created the circumstances in which carpet bombs were used without notifying anyone on the ground.

And so I drifted Left (I suppose I would be considered Loony or Radical, depending on your perspective) and I feel good being in this place of self-examination and activism, it is probably what has prevented me from stumbling into clinical depression.

Trauma never really goes away.
In Hebrew there is a slang word for someone being messed up over something and never being the same and that is שרוט/ה in English it is "scratched", like a vinyl on a record player, when it hits that scratch there is a warp in the sounds that the vinyl is supposed to emit, but it gets stuck on that warp and the cacophony can be deafening.
It can also carry long distances, two years in measured time.
Most likely for longer.

In the shadow of these events, Haggai Alon (חגי אלון), a political consultant and analyst gave an interview to Ha'aretz reporter Akiva Eldar (עקיבא אלדר) about the goings on behind closed doors in the early days of the War and in the latter days and how many, if not most or all of the terrible, ahem, oversights.
The interview in Hebrew - שבויים בקונספציה.
The interview in English - A painful return to fateful hours.

Comments

[mokey4.livejournal.com]

I am sorry that you are scratched, but thank you for expressing it honestly.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading and commenting.
That means a lot to me.

[tamara-russo.livejournal.com]

Hugs. Always here for you.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

I know.
*hugs back*
I'm really okay, I was just venting... it's the season all that crap :)

[tamara-russo.livejournal.com]

I know. Just thought I'd remind you. We see so very little of each other these days.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Fucken real life.
Boo.
*holds on to your arm tightly*

[tamara-russo.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I'm planning on kidnapping you when the exams are over.

[mao4269.livejournal.com]

*hugs* (for what it's worth).

And, at the risk of being seriously cheesy and/or pretentious, a traditional Hasidic story:
Once there was a king who had a wonderful jewel. He would gaze on it often, wondering at its beauty. One day, something startled him and he dropped the jewel causing it to fall and develop a deep crack. He sent messengers out to find a craftsman who could repair it, but, no one came forward. Finally after a very long search he found an old jeweler who said he could repair the jewel, but, that the king would have to promise to give him free reign in his work. With no other options, the king assented. The old craftsman worked for weeks. Finally he emerged and showed the king the jewel. There in the jewel, the old man had worked the lines of the crack into the pattern of an exquisite flower that appeared deep inside the precious stone. The king gasped and realized that the crack itself had led to the jewel becoming even more precious.

From what I've seen, you've done an incredible job of using the trauma of your involvement into the 2006 war as a motivation to think critically about the policies of Israel and all countries and also to connect more with your own emotions. You've done a lot of work to get there from being someone with the complaints, "I don't sleep, am constantly angry, am constantly crying and that I am in a constant state of hate, rage and profound distrust." And you're right that the work will never be over. But I hope that you don't just feel good being in that place but are proud of how far you've come.
/soapbox

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Okay, so that's one of the nicest comments any one has ever written to me. Pfft, it's one of the nicest things someone has ever said to me.

Thank you.

Gotta love those Hasidic stories, there's one for every occasion - kind of like in "Fiddler on the roof": There's a prayer for every occasion.

[stateofwonder.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine living through what you have gone through. But the person you are today is a testament to your strength and integrity -- instead of blocking out the experience entirely, or letting it take over your life, you're taking all of those emotions you've described as negative and channeling them into your studies, your work and your activism. I really admire you for that because it's incredibly difficult to take a traumatizing experience and turn it into this positive, ass-kicking force. And you've done it, girl!

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

And vegetarianism :)

Thank you, very much.

[morin.livejournal.com]

I love you, even when you're angry. But I'm glad You're happier now.
I once told you I think you'll grow into a wonderful person. I think you have, and still are. Keep growing.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Thank you, very much.

You always seem to get me even when I'm totally lost inside myself.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Wow. Thank you for sharing this. i'm sorry that you had to go through all that, but reading about it reinforces my belief that you're a rather impressive person. :-)

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Cooo, thank you very much :)