eumelia: (Default)
It's over.

The only way I'm going back to the Army is by an emergency draft.
I've done my time, 30 days of that given, volunteered to Tzahal.

So, now my family is coming to visit, just in time for my service to be over.

Just so we are clear, I am not sure how long this cease-fire will actually last, if at all, but I just can't do this sort of thing anymore.

War isn't for me.
eumelia: (Default)
Just got off the phone with [ profile] hagar_972, she just informed me that tomorrow is my last shift at the army.

It feels unreal.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off me in some way, the relief is almost painful.
Speaking to Hagar I stopped breathing for a little.

I also found out that Yaron (the guy who I'm sitting with tomorrow) went to a funeral yesterday, a member of his Kibbutz was killed.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.
Relieved certainly, but now suddenly it's as though a Purpose is gone, and even though I suffered greatly and had a hell of a lot of inner conflicts about the whole thing, Being in the army during these interesting times; I don't think I'll ever regret.

Thanks for reading and commenting during this stressful time.
eumelia: (Default)
There's a cease-fire going on.
Yesterday Hezbollah launched 250 missiles, just to say farewell, to those who don't know that's double the amount the average they've launched in the past.
[ profile] hagar_972 and I didn't notice how busy we were until the last hour of our shift when we lost it a little bit, started giggling and annoying people around us (more than usual, that is).
We also had our parting gifts by destroying even more of the decimated Beirut and Zur (Tyre), *sigh*.
Northern Israel and Southern Lebanon are utterly destroyed, yeah, I'm sure all the people moving up country and down country will be delighted to see their rubbled homes and regiments of soldiers "Peacekeeping".

So now Israel will wait inside until there the Lebanese Army and the promised UNIFIL forces enter and the Lebanese government does what it's supposed to do, disarm Hezbollah and get proper sovereignty over it's entire country. Hezbollah having ministers in the Lebanese Parliament doesn't mean they are granted control over a certain part of the country.
While Resolution 1701 is good for Israel on the whole, it doesn't do much to reprimand Hezbollah for all the crap they've pulled, it's a slap on the wrist to the irresponsible Lebanese Government (since it calls to implement the Taif Accords, which should have happened when they were, ya know, agreed upon! Not to mention other Resolutions - 1559 and 1608). So Hezbollah will lay low for a few years, this time a less than six I am sure, while it arms itself again, via Syria and Iran. I'm pretty sure the Russians are a little unhappy about the arms embargo put on Syria and Iran since they like to do business with them, but ya know, if you're going to be doing business with shady countries you've got to make sure your ass is covered and Russia has a large ass.

I'm still in reserve, because, well, Hezbollah doesn't have the best track record with abiding with diplomatic agreements and since when does Israel promptly do what it should, I mean it took us nearly thirty years to get out of Gaza and twenty to get out of Lebanon (the first time). So both sides are going to be butting heads over this.
Then again, what else is new?

Until Hagar and I get regular service replacements we'll be staying, which should be a week.
If it's more... I do believe heads will roll, since Hagar and I will behead them from the relevant bodies.

Despite my cynicism, this I hope for:

"וכתתו חרבותם לאתים וחניתותיהם למזמרות לא ישא גוי אל גוי חרב ולא-ילמדו עוד מלחמה"

ישעיה, פרק ב', פסוק ד'

"And they shall beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning-hooks: nation shall not lift up swords against nation, neither shall they learn war any more"

Isaiah chapter 2, verse 4
eumelia: (Default)
It takes a long time for me to formulate the words needed to say what it is I feel needs to be said.
No words can describe what happened in the past two days.
I simply do not want to put down in words how utterly disappointed I am in my commanders, because that's personal, and I've already ranted to my family about it and putting what I want to say about the fubar* situation that went down yesterday I will be exposing state secrets.
None of which should be put on-line.

Instead I shall vent about the snafu** situation that is going on in the North and how our government is doing ziltch, zero, nata, nieta and a whole lotta nothing for the people there.
Where the fuck is Olmert?! He will be giving a public address on Tuesday... Tuesday. If he were a decent PM (I'm not even talking person here) but the bloody leader of my fine country, he would be giving speeches every damn day, morale and patriotism is something that is needed for those who are targeted.
The way the armed wing of Hezbollah works, as I've stated before, is guerrilla warfare, that means they use scare and surprises tactics to subdue the population and while Israelis are tough and have been through more wars and skirmishes in the past sixty years that is remotely sane, they have been quite resilient against the rockets landing in their back yards, but it's wearing them down and they are getting no governmental support. Quiriat Shmona, Metula, Ma'alot, Tzfat and the other small Yeshuvim and Kibbutzim are ghost Townes, but not everyone has family/friends/generous acquaintances/generous strangers in the Centre and South for them to sweat this time out and they're stuck in between the rows of red tape, because we are still fighting an undeclared war against an organisation that is the De Facto army of South Lebanon and has representatives in the Lebanese Parliament and the way Israel is doing thing we should have declared Cassus Belli about the kidnapped soldiers and not gone in all Gung Ho into a country that traumatized us and fight an enemy we so severely underestimated.

So it's all snafu, but utterly and completely fubar.
And yeah, I'm angry, frustrated.
And still realistic... we have to fight... I don't want to... but I will.

*Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
**Situation Normal, All Fucked Up.
eumelia: (Default)
Yesterday was utter crap from the get go.
The only good thing was that I kept [ profile] hagar_972 company on her Birthday, that was of the good.
And that's where it ended.

My day started with a bud ride, it was already bad since it's the bus I take in the morning to my base. On this bus I lost my cellphone. My cellphone is my entire life! Well not really since I have most of my phone numbers written in my little handy phone book, but it certainly put a damper on the rest of the day.
So the minute I entered the base I was on the phone with the Bus company's information center, I got all the relevant numbers and passed them onto Mummy who was just dying to say "I told you so" to me since for the two and a half years that I've had this phone she told me I'd lose it one day if I kept carrying it in my pocket (where it has lived quite snugly) and it did fall out of my pocket. What makes this whole thing even worse is that on Saturday i misplaced my phone in Robbie's car, making him turn around and come back home so I could have it.

My family rocks when it comes to carrying out my "whims". I know it's not really whims, but my family is great at helping out and getting me out of jams.
So Daddy canceled my outgoing calls and Mummy found out the phone had been found by a (get this) a policeman and he took it to the Central Tel-Aviv District Police Station, which is where I went today. It was a whole lot less traumatic than I thought it was. It was just a really long walk from the the New Central Bus Station to the Police Station on Salame St, Yaffo (I know, I know...).

Yesterday was pretty miserable, since it was one bad thing after another. We didn't handle the goings on very well and now Omer (my ex-Co and of my commanders) wants to change the way we do things at the table, even though we've been doing fine for the past month, one really bad day doesn't negate the month of really fine work my station has been doing. Add to that, that I had to stay and actually talk directly to the slimy SOB, making Hagar and I miss the last bus and the train and then finding out that the train after that was twenty fucking minutes late!
So a bad day.

Today was okay and I'm meeting with Varda, a friend I've only met up with once since my return from the US.


Aug. 8th, 2006 05:17 pm
eumelia: (Default)
Friday 4/08/06
It's amazing how much happens is such a short amount of time.

On Friday my sister Leigh and my nephews Amos and Shaul returned from their long stay in Cambridge, England (my brother in law Ariel is still there to tie up loose ends and will be joining the family later this week) and they've come back permanently. Leigh, now a Ph.D, has a post-doc position at Ben-Gurion University in Beer-Sheva. They still need to make all sorts of arrangements, but they should be moving some time next week. At the moment Leigh and the kiddies are staying at home with us, making it a bit of a full house, but it's fantastic to have them back, and if it weren't for the fucking war and my reserve duty I'd actually be able to spend some time with Amos (who's five ) and Shaul (who will be two in October).

I had a shift on Friday, making me utterly drained of energy, but I decided I would go out since I can't be cooped up 24/7, even though I am four days every week. I can't believe it's been going on for a month now. More Friday )

Satruday 5/08/06
Free day.
Woke up lateish, found out we were going to spend the mid morning at our cousins place because they have a pool. It was my first day of real summer, since it was the first time I wore my brand new swimming costume and looked great. The one good/bad thing about the war is that I'm shedding a hella of alot of weight, I'm a bit worried about that because I'm eating normally, if fact I eat so much junk at my station I have no idea how I've managed to lose so much weight, but I looked better in the costume now than when I bought it a month ago.
I swam and played with Amosi, but Shaul clung to Leigh since he was a bit scared of the water, also I don't think they're used to the heat the Israeli Sun is able to produce.
It was a fun morning.

Later that afternoon I met up with Shimrit and Shira, since I am not able to meet with them as much as I like.
We had coffee and cake, Shira gave me a belated birthday gift; a great "Nine West" purse! And after we said our goodbyes I spent a little time with Shimrit.
Psycho-babble )

Nothing really interesting Sunday, except that Sharon (one of the guys that sits with me and [ profile] hagar_972, he noticed I looked tired (and felt like crap from my crying the night before) and did his best to cheer me up. He also mentioned that he read my lj and was surprised at how good my English was (I'm a total bilingual) and how political I am. He was also dissapointed he wasn''t mentinoed. Well now he is.

Other than that Sunday was the same as any other crappy, no good, war mongering day. Yaron is very good conversation, he's obviously used to people agreeing with him and I do believe meeting someone with concrete ideals and a realistic veiw on the issues threw him a little.

Monday and Today after this.
eumelia: (Default)
Today seems to have caught up with me.
It wasn't so awful at the Army, but after coming home, resting a little, eating supper and talking with Mummy and Daddy I suddenly felt incredibly sad.
More than sad, very, very unhappy.
I didn't mention this last week, on the terrible Wednesday, where I broke down and wrote that very long post after.
I saw a man blow up.
I saw a person die.
I think it affected a whole lot more than I'm showing because I keep thinking about it, and every time there's mention of people being killed I think back to that Hezbollah man I saw die.
I'm glad he's dead.
And I feel sick because of that.

I spoke to [ profile] morin about it yesterday, because she really helps put things in perspective for me, and she's always willing to listen, so I felt safe with speaking to her, because Mummy and Daddy, while they held me while I went hysterical from the initial shock, are not that compatible with me being a little more humanistic than patriotic and Zionist.
See I have this problem of seeing people as people... it's very difficult for me to banter with my fellow soldiers about the "stinking Arabs".

I don't know how to make myself feel better.
I don't want to be happy about dead people.

Today the barrage of rockets that landed in Israel from Lebanon killed eight civilians and two more soldiers were killed in battle.
I just want to live, I want those people to live as well, but they won't.
I want the three kidnapped soldiers to be back and happy with their families.
I want the Lebanese to be how they were; free, happy and independent, because that is their right... it is not a privilege.
eumelia: (Default)
Done with the double shift.


[ profile] hagar_972 looked much, much better today (which is great, since she had the most benefit from those two days break, when she could get herself checked out and really recuperate.
I'm pooped and despite the fact that these past four days were eerily quiet, as in no big events and no attacked from either side, the time was passed without much stress.
But man, do I need to sleep in tomorrow!
eumelia: (Default)
I've calmed down considerably since Wednesday, having Friday to be depressed and mope and get everything out of my system.
The shift today was very, very relaxed, hardly any happenings and everyone seemed to be quite cheery, including [ profile] hagar_972, who was still in pain, but was dealing a whole lot better today, most likely because the stress level was of the lowest we've had since the beginning of the Situation.

I'm going to be doing double shifts this week (four consecutive shifts without a 24 hour break between them), because I have an appointment I have to keep and I made it before my miluim was activated, so Hagar and I had to do a switchroo in order to no screw over Yaron (the other guy who does day shifts with us), so it ended up that I'll do four consecutive days, giving Hagar 48 hours of R & R, which she really needs, since she is more physically affected by the stress that I and she's been on active reserve since the first day of the fighting so it works well for everyone.

Hagar's Mother embarrassed me again, thanking me for letting Hagar rest, blush much? But seriously I need to keep this appointment and Hagar seriously needs to rest, so what harm is there? Plus, as I said today was pretty good, with not that many missiles falling in the north and Nassrallah looking like he hasn't slept a wink in the night(s). Today Nassrallah delivered a speech - I only got the soundbites, since the News I watch at the Army is without sound, so I only get to read the snippets, and let me tell you, he does not look like the great, smiling Shi'ite leader he looked like a couple of weeks ago.
He is so not the boogyman anymore for me, he's just a man, a pretty sad one as well, maybe it's just the peak, that's come from the bottom, but I feel really confidant about the way things are going. I won't go so far as to say optimistic, but I feel I am able to do double shifts for a friend and that's not how I felt yesterday.

kinda numb

Jul. 28th, 2006 05:01 pm
eumelia: (Default)
So, war.

I think it's fairly clear from my previous post about the Situation, that I reached a breaking point.
I think it had a lot to do with the fact that we were constantly exposed to the news in the war room and were receiving updates about what was going on in Bint Jbiel, add to that, that my partner for the day ([ profile] hagar_972), crumbled under the stress, freaking me out since there was just nothing, absolutely fucking nothing I could do to help her.
She was in physical pain and I couldn't help her.
She was in constant cerebral stress and I couldn't help her.
And when she left the room because our fucking CO's didn't give us one fucking ounce of help with the people we are in charge of, I was forced to stay and take over, again, with no help from our fucking CO's.

Rough stuff happened on Wednesday )

But yesterday was better, the stress was less and there were even less missiles on Israel, which is always good.
It's also very comforting to sit with a soldier in regular service who is so good at the job and really doesn't mind taking over from the burnt out reserve soldier, so I just let him (his name is Yaron) do all the talking, while I recuperated, since it really was an especially slow day.

It was only in the last half hour of my shift when the stations surrogate Big Brother (Hillel) came for his shift and asked me if I and Hagar were okay (since he witnessed the cracking the day before) yesterday and that despite that it was Hagar who broke I also didn't look too good.
I almost broke down again, when I told him about what happened when I got home, he nodded sagely and told me that it was ridiculous the way we're working here and was *this* close to hugging me, but I'm not sure he would (he's religious, but I'm not sure if he's Shomer Negi'ah), but I so wanted to hug him, since he really is like a big brother, being very rational and supportive. He reminds me of Robbie, who I've barely seen in the past two weeks, since he's an Officer and is probably just as busy as I am.
In a completely selfish way I hope Hillel is forced to stay in milluim for longer, just so he can sit with us for a little longer, because really, sharing cookies and hearing him talk about his wife and baby really make me feel a whole lot better while I'm part of a machine responsible for such destruction everywhere, not just Lebanon. This war has disrupted the lives of everyone in these two countries.
Because despite the humanitarian aide the Lebanese are getting, the media are such fucks! They show the poor little children in Southern Lebanon, their eyes wide with fear, well what about the poor little children in Northern Israel! Their eyes are wide with fear as well! You think a child of 3, 4, 5, and 6 know the difference between a Katyusha falling in their garden and a bomb falling in the street next to their building!

I've had enough of this comparison of trauma, a child in fear is a child in fear! And a breakdown is a breakdown! I will not feel worse for someone just because their pain seems to be more than someone esle's!
Citizens, civilians and soldiers... people.
Categorising them arbitrarily, it doesn't matter, being a soldier doesn't negate the fact that they are first a person.
And despite the fact that everyone of the Hezbollah operatives would be happy to murder me, my family, everyone I know and everyone they know... it doesn't stop them from being people as well.
I hate the fact that I am capable of cheering their death.
I'm not sorry they are dead and dying.
I'm sorry that there is collateral in their death and that I am a part of what is causing it.
eumelia: (Default)
It was a very bad day.

I don't have a body count yet, I'll probably know tomorrow just how many people we lost at Bint Jbiel today.
The News says eight... I know for a fact that it's more, but I suppose not everyone has been identified, nor have all the families been informed about what has happened. And since I've stopped listening to the news, I'll just have to wait for oral reports from my peers, or read it on someone else's blog.
I just finished crying for the second time today.
I reached the limit of how much I can internalize, today was a day of breakdowns and many leanings against other people's shoulders.

In Israeli news channels they show much aerial photography the Air Force (where I serve) provides them. Obviously they don't show the gory details, or the sensitive secret stuff.
I see the gore and I cheer, because I know we're killing Hezbollah operatives and taking out more and more rocket launchers that send their Katyushot, Zilzals and many others onto Israeli towns.
When I got home I cried and am still crying because I'm part of the machine killing people, but Hezbollah is my country's enemy and so I must be happy that we're killing them.
I feel so torn and... I can't even describe it.

Add to that, that I've been in this war since Monday the 17th, that's ten days and I'm getting burned out, some of my comrades have been in this since the beginning and they're burned out and going on, I'll have to as well.

I'm so tired.

I really should wait for my free day to write so that I sound a little coherent.
eumelia: (Default)
Another two days and it's my day off.
It's hard to say anything after the mega-post I wrote on Saturday; it seemed to spread over LJ like a small fire.
In reality what is there to add? I guess now that my current politics are out in the open I'll start talking about my emotions.

I'm tired, so tired and I've barely been touched by all this. From talking to other people in my station, it started out feeling like a drill; a regular drill; the Army and specifically the Air Force (which is where I served and am currently serving), they like having lengthy drills that train people up for war - amazing how good they are, kind of scary too.
Thing is, I didn't go into this thinking it was a drill, I was very, acutely, aware that this was about human beings, people being shot at, dislocated from their homes and me being in a position of great responsibility.
After six shifts, most of them scarily intense, and having not broken down into tears makes me very proud of myself, since, if you ask anyone they will tell you I am a cry baby, I mean I was nicknamed "Water Works" by my family.
I haven't cried yet.
So while I'm proud of that, I'm also a bit worried, because that means I haven't vented any of the accumulating tension that I can feel building in my spine, shoulders and neck. This also means I'm not getting de-stressed in any significant way and I'm really afraid I'll break down in the middle of a shift.
Another thing is the dissonance between how I feel about the Situation and what I am doing in the Situation.

I hate the Situation (like everyone), do I think Israel's reaction was disproportionate? Yes. Do I feel it was unjustified? No, it very much was. Do I feel it was unnecessary? No, but it was necessary five years ago. I know it's no good dwelling on the past, but if Israel had insisted on the disarmament of Hezbollah when we left Lebanon, this whole Situation wouldn't have happened, or at least the International community would have gotten off their fat asses and done something then.
I realize I'm making the War seem less by calling it a "Situation", but it's a small defense mechanism I allow myself at this point in time.

I am very angry about the way Israel is shown to be the "bad guy" in the media, specifically when Israel warns Lebanese civilians that planes are on their ways, that Israel has said time and time again that we have no beef with Lebanon, and yet the world sees Israel attacking Lebanese civilians as though they are the targets. Do they not know how guerrilla operatives work? They use the local population as bases, strongholds and silos! The Lebanese have two choices, accept Hezbollah, or be murdered by them. Add to that that Israel is keen on getting as many Hezbollah operatives as possible; collateral damage is bound to accumulate, that is the nature of war! One cannot be without the other! I am not washing Israel clean of this, far from it, and I hope Israel at the end of this takes proper care of the displaces Lebanese refugees in Southern Lebanon, but Hezbollah has used and abused them for far longer and in a far more profound way than Israel ever could.

I am deeply ashamed that Israel commits these acts, but I am angry... I am enraged that Hezbollah (it's head Nassrallah) has the gall to kidnap two young boys (because that's what our soldiers are) and use his influence over Hamas for the other young kidnapped boy (who has been held hostage almost a month) in order to further his own hateful, Iranian agenda.
And as corrupt as the Israeli government can be, I cannot imagine any of them being as cold hearted, malicious, cruel and so base as to chepaen human life, as Nassrallah, may his guts be eaten by pestilent maggots!
What he and Hezbollah have done to Lebanon and Israel is far worse than the damage done in the past two weeks.

Okay, that was a political rant again, but in Israel, more than anywhere else, the political is so very personal and one cannot be without the other.
Yesterday, during a slight break in the action, I talked politics (what else) with one of the older miluimnikim who sits next to me at my station; I am quite vocal about how I feel about the Situation and he asked me: "If you are such a left winger (שמאלנית), how can you be so dedicated to what you are doing here (miluim)?"
I told him "There is the world I want to live in and the world I am currently residing in, I cannot in good conscience desert my country simply because I disagree with the way we are going. Having ideals and ideologies, doesn't mean I don't live in the real world and do what needs to be done. I need to do the best job I can in this station, doing any less would be selling myself and everyone in this room short, and that is unacceptable".
eumelia: (Default)
Being back in the army has strengthen my personal ideologies in such a way, that I believe we are need of a radical reform in almost every aspect of life; how and when that will come about I don't know, I'm still thinking about that and discussing it with people who don't really agree with me, so that I can learn the flaws and strengths in my arguments (the one benefit of serving again is meeting and working with men, religious among them, who take what you say seriously and are very engaging conversationalists).

More than ever am I a Feminist - I can see again why the Army is important and how integral it is to our national identity, and also how it imbues everyone with Nationalism, making it "us vs. them" which a more destructive ideology cannot be found. The Army also shows, in an extreme way, exactly how our country is constructed and how everyone is still arbitrarily categorized through gender and race, just as an example, where I am currently serving there is approx. the same amount of women as there are non-Ashkenazi men. Yeah, "White is right" my peachy, Ashkenazi ass!

More than ever am I a Humanist - the Israeli Defence Force... not really; in times of war we can't afford to be, we tell civilians about the bombings coming in, but they are held hostage by Hezbollah, who holds all of Lebanon hostage for Iranian influence. Not to mention that Syria is still aching to get their hands back in Lebanon, which they see as another piece of the Middle-Eastern Pie as far as they are concerned.
And through Hezbollah, we also get Hamas, which is sending it's citizens into Israel to kill themselves in order to murder Israelis.

These are not good people in the upper crust of those governments.

More than ever my government is one of the worst; where are our Representatives going on public broadcast telling the civilians that the war effort is going well? Where is our Prime Minister telling us that the army is doing the best job it can defending the home land? Where are the bittersweet lies people want to hear that their children on the front line are doing what is needed?
Where is the sympathy towards the 500,000 Lebanese refugees in southern Lebanon? Where is the UN to help the Lebanese government regain sovereignty over it's entire land? Where is the impartial media to tell both sides of what the fuck is going on?
This is the real world, and those things are lacking, much like an news about what's going on in Gaza and the West Bank, where Israel is still killing Palestinians and Gilad Shalit is still captured?

This war has also put on hold every other social issues in this country - just because we are at war does not mean we are not still living our lives, hundreds of senior citizens are being displaces, far too many children do not have the support Social Services is supposed to provide for them, still women are smuggled (even more easily now, since no one cares about anything other than bombing Lebanon and watching the news to see if their house was bombed) into Israel in the "white slavery" market economy.
Where police should be investigating rapes and murders they are guarding against "enemy incursions".
We have a Defense Minister for the war, a Foreign Minister for dealing with all the other people outside of Israel talking to us and a UN Ambassador who is actually doing some hard talking for Israel. I don't know what his politics are, but I have a feeling that once his tenure as Ambassador is over he'll be coming back and running for a pretty high government office, and since in Israel one very rarely votes for a party, but for the person heading the party their politics are not that important (sad, but true).

And so, not only is Israel condemned by the media, it is condemning itself into social disaster, It has to start;
#1 giving people information that actually helps and doesn't bombard them (bad pun, sorry) with how many missiles have injured, killed and destroyed in their neighborhood.
#2 Going on with life, yes there's war, but not everyone is fighting and Israel has to continue to be a government to the back lines who are still trying to live the semblance of a normal life.
#3 Treating humans beings as human beings; we are not only harming Hezbollah outposts and offices, we are hurting innocent people, those people are not "fucking Arabs"! They are humans trying to survive with guerrilla extremists using them as cannon fodder and a government too weak to actually help them.
I will not be dehumanized, by dehumanizing the Hezbollah, or by dehumanizing the innocent Lebanese men, women and children who have to live in those conditions.

Do I even want to get into what this war is doing to the Animals living in the North and is Southern Lebanon?

Once agian, a few lines from a song;
Woodstock by Joni Mitchell
By the time we got to Woodstock
We were half a million strong
And everytime there was a song and celebration
And I dreamed I saw the bombers
Riding shotguns in the sky
And they were turning into butterflies
Above our nation
We are stardust
We are golden
And we have to get ourselves
Back to the garden
eumelia: (Default)
By sheer (and good or bad, depending how you look at it) luck I got my off day on a Saturday.

I no longer listen to the news, when it's on I switch it off, when my parents ask e to translate I leave the room to read a book, when the radio has an "emergency announcement" I listen to silence.
Listening to the news reports things that I in some way already know since I'm in the think of things and have no need to know what is going on through civilian eyes (yes, I do feel I'm back in active service, the work is intese and never-fucking-ending). I also don't want to know how many missiles have hit Quiriyat Shmona, Zfat, Aker, Haifa or any other northern town, all that tells me, is that in some way, I failed to do my job properly and it just makes me feel guilty and when I feel guilty I wallow.
I don't have that privilege.
And seeing as I am not updated on current events I don't really know how many of our ground troupes have been injured, killed or God forbid kidnapped. I also don't know how many more Lebanese civilians we have injured and killed, how many more homes we have destroyed and how many more weapons Hezbollah supposedly has.
I just can't any more, I'm almost a week into this war and I feel as if it's been a month and for all we know we may go on for another month.
Seeing though that I read other people's blogs, specifically [ profile] hagar_972 with whom I am serving I thank her for letting me know, through her blog how many, up to the time that she wrote it, the number of our dead.
Because we have to remember, not glorify (it's one of my most hated Israeli traditions, this glorification of dead soldiers, since in my opinion all it does is glorify war, which can never be a good thing).

Maybe I'll update some more later today, if not.

Please, let this be over.

I end this post with the lyrics of the song I'm, currently listening to:
For What It's Worth by Buffalo Springfield )
eumelia: (Default)
Yeah, so being in miluim feels like regular service again, only a whole lot more free since no one is actually my superior officer and I'm there because I'm actually needed and not because it's mandatory.
Being the paranoiac I am I'll refrain from talking about what I actually do while at the desk, suffice to say I'm glad I'm lacking hair since I'd have ripped almost all of it out of stress and frustration. [ profile] hagar_972 will crack up when I talk to her tomorrow.
I was quite amazed at how competent I was on my first day back, having the person who trained me sit the shift with me was the bomb, add to that, that [ profile] hagar_972 and I have a kind of natural simpatico it was quite the rush, I even manned the station on my own for a little.
On Tuesday I sat with one of the new soldiers who man's my station and it was such a pleasure - cool under fire doesn't even begin, afterwords it's a bit of a crash, but working with him was amazing, great chemistry with that one and being the more "experience" I did the majority of the more intense stuff, though he did most of the talking with people who came to us for info which was nice since being back reminded me why I was so happy to leave.

Having the perspective needed to view my service critically I've come to the conclusion I took things way too seriously and let people get to me simply because I allowed them too. Add to that my individualism has matured greatly in the past 10 months being back with the soldiers was quite an experience. It's also amazing how being outside the system makes you blind to rank, some people are naturally blind to authority *coughhagarcough*, but me I'm a little more shy and tend to get all "yes, sure, ah ha, whatever you say* making me a pretty good little soldier though I never call anyone "sir" or "ma'am" unless I'm joking.
So being back and being spoken to as a "soldier" didn't sit well with me, especially my former CO who is just an asshole and is probably the son to two very hard-done-by parents. He's one of those anal "everything must be superhuman perfect" types who just makes people feel like crap since, ya know, he treats people like crap.
Haven't had a whole lot of interaction with my old office (mador), which is only for the best, since it would seem ever since my old direct Officer left my mador has only gone down-hill, but then again Captain Asshole (he's not a major yet) is their CO and is a nightmare both war and in peace since he doesn't believe in peace and it's a war every damn day with him.
Plus they forced me to wear a uniform, they could told me to come in one and I would have worm my own one that actually fits me properly! It's actually fun coming in uniform since it's one of those old cotton ones that are actually quite comfortable and kept me warm in the freezing cold of the AC controlled rooms!
Plus bracelets and dark nail polish (no to mention sporting a hair style most of the men are wearing) I finally look like the soldier I always wanted to look like, with political buttons and everything - sort of like Matthew Modine in "Full Metal Jacket".

The general situation is pretty crappy since too many rockets are landing in Israel and we are very reluctant (for obvious reasons) to get into Lebanon on foot, no one wants to go back in there, it's just too traumatic for this country to go through that again. There's a limit to the amount of action each side can give and eventually something is going to have to change, somehow.
Hopefully I'll not be completely burned out by the end of this shindig, I mean being with Hagar at the station is the best, plus when we're both together the station is at maximum since we're both the oldest who hold this station.
So being back is fun.
In a masochistic kinda way.

Pastel pink so works with dark olive green, it certainly made me stand out, even more than my shouting and hair cut :)
eumelia: (Default)
I was not happy to be called up for reserve (miluim) for a number of reasons.
#1 It meant going back to a unit I was quite happy to leave by the time my number was up.
#2 Things had to be pretty dire for the people sitting at my old emergency job desk to need me.
#3 Not having been to any kind of drill on nearly a year.
#4 I was quite happy to be doing nothing (*tongue in cheek... kinda).

It all started from a phone call to my cell, I already knew it would happen. After what happened in Haifa on Sunday they couldn't not need an extra pair of hands, ears and lips.
So I got a call and was asked to come on Monday morning to my base (the Quiriya).
Speaking to [ profile] hagar_972 (who trained me for this particular task) and hearing the way she sounded pretty much convinced me (though I would not have said no in any event seeing as we're at war).
My parents were not particularly understanding IMO.
"Why aren't you proud to serve your country?"
"Aren't you patriotic/Zionistic?"
"Why do you have to be so negative?"
"Not everything is about Feminism and Gay rights you know"
That was their attitude because of my lack of enthusiasm to going to miluim.
The fact that I'm going to do a job that needs to be done with no order what so ever, but by just volunteering obviously means nothing. Perhaps I still had (at the time) the inside view of the situation and knew exactly what was going on and exactly what I was going to be doing that made me a little negative.
And no I'm not particularly patriotic and Zionistic, yeah I love my country but over the past few decades Israel has not done many things I totally agree with.
I'm negative 'cause it keeps me real, if I become to positive and I fuck up, the fall out will only be worse.
And everything is about Feminism since my perspective is of the feminist kind and Gay rights are merely an issues I'm very passionate about, so sue me for taking my issues seriously.
So to the Quiriya I go to see [ profile] hagar_972 after not seeing her for six months.
Can we say squeal :)

More on the actual days a little later.
eumelia: (Default)
I've been called up for reserves.

Yeah, the shit has hit the fan a little, however, I'll be in one of the safest locations in the country so not to worry.
It's only my nerves that are in danger.


eumelia: (Default)

June 2015

 12345 6

V and Justice

V: Ah, I was forgetting that we are not properly introduced. I do not have a name. You can call me V. Madam Justice...this is V. V... this is Madam Justice. hello, Madam Justice.

Justice: Good evening, V.

V: There. Now we know each other. Actually, I've been a fan of yours for quite some time. Oh, I know what you're thinking...

Justice: The poor boy has a crush on adolescent fatuation.

V: I beg your pardon, Madam. It isn't like that at all. I've long admired you...albeit only from a distance. I used to stare at you from the streets below when I was a child. I'd say to my father, "Who is that lady?" And he'd say "That's Madam Justice." And I'd say "Isn't she pretty."

V: Please don't think it was merely physical. I know you're not that sort of girl. No, I loved you as a person. As an ideal.

Justice: What? V! For shame! You have betrayed me for some harlot, some vain and pouting hussy with painted lips and a knowing smile!

V: I, Madam? I beg to differ! It was your infidelity that drove me to her arms!

V: Ah-ha! That surprised you, didn't it? You thought I didn't know about your little fling. But I do. I know everything! Frankly, I wasn't surprised when I found out. You always did have an eye for a man in uniform.

Justice: Uniform? Why I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. It was always you, V. You were the only one...

V: Liar! Slut! Whore! Deny that you let him have his way with you, him with his armbands and jackboots!

V: Well? Cat got your tongue? I though as much.

V: Very well. So you stand revealed at last. you are no longer my justice. You are his justice now. You have bedded another.

Justice: Sob! Choke! Wh-who is she, V? What is her name?

V: Her name is Anarchy. And she has taught me more as a mistress than you ever did! She has taught me that justice is meaningless without freedom. She is honest. She makes no promises and breaks none. Unlike you, Jezebel. I used to wonder why you could never look me in the eye. Now I know. So good bye, dear lady. I would be saddened by our parting even now, save that you are no longer the woman I once loved.


-"V for Vendetta"


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