Not Anonymous

It's over.

The only way I'm going back to the Army is by an emergency draft.
I've done my time, 30 days of that given, volunteered to Tzahal.

So, now my family is coming to visit, just in time for my service to be over.

Just so we are clear, I am not sure how long this cease-fire will actually last, if at all, but I just can't do this sort of thing anymore.

War isn't for me.

There's a cease-fire going on.
Yesterday Hezbollah launched 250 missiles, just to say farewell, to those who don't know that's double the amount the average they've launched in the past.
hagar_972 and I didn't notice how busy we were until the last hour of our shift when we lost it a little bit, started giggling and annoying people around us (more than usual, that is).
We also had our parting gifts by destroying even more of the decimated Beirut and Zur (Tyre), *sigh*.
Northern Israel and Southern Lebanon are utterly destroyed, yeah, I'm sure all the people moving up country and down country will be delighted to see their rubbled homes and regiments of soldiers "Peacekeeping".

So now Israel will wait inside until there the Lebanese Army and the promised UNIFIL forces enter and the Lebanese government does what it's supposed to do, disarm Hezbollah and get proper sovereignty over it's entire country. Hezbollah having ministers in the Lebanese Parliament doesn't mean they are granted control over a certain part of the country.
While Resolution 1701 is good for Israel on the whole, it doesn't do much to reprimand Hezbollah for all the crap they've pulled, it's a slap on the wrist to the irresponsible Lebanese Government (since it calls to implement the Taif Accords, which should have happened when they were, ya know, agreed upon! Not to mention other Resolutions - 1559 and 1608). So Hezbollah will lay low for a few years, this time a less than six I am sure, while it arms itself again, via Syria and Iran. I'm pretty sure the Russians are a little unhappy about the arms embargo put on Syria and Iran since they like to do business with them, but ya know, if you're going to be doing business with shady countries you've got to make sure your ass is covered and Russia has a large ass.

I'm still in reserve, because, well, Hezbollah doesn't have the best track record with abiding with diplomatic agreements and since when does Israel promptly do what it should, I mean it took us nearly thirty years to get out of Gaza and twenty to get out of Lebanon (the first time). So both sides are going to be butting heads over this.
Then again, what else is new?

Until Hagar and I get regular service replacements we'll be staying, which should be a week.
If it's more... I do believe heads will roll, since Hagar and I will behead them from the relevant bodies.

Despite my cynicism, this I hope for:


"And they shall beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning-hooks: nation shall not lift up swords against nation, neither shall they learn war any more"

Isaiah chapter 2, verse 4

Yesterday was utter crap from the get go.
The only good thing was that I kept hagar_972 company on her Birthday, that was of the good.
And that's where it ended.

My day started with a bud ride, it was already bad since it's the bus I take in the morning to my base. On this bus I lost my cellphone. My cellphone is my entire life! Well not really since I have most of my phone numbers written in my little handy phone book, but it certainly put a damper on the rest of the day.
So the minute I entered the base I was on the phone with the Bus company's information center, I got all the relevant numbers and passed them onto Mummy who was just dying to say "I told you so" to me since for the two and a half years that I've had this phone she told me I'd lose it one day if I kept carrying it in my pocket (where it has lived quite snugly) and it did fall out of my pocket. What makes this whole thing even worse is that on Saturday i misplaced my phone in Robbie's car, making him turn around and come back home so I could have it.

My family rocks when it comes to carrying out my "whims". I know it's not really whims, but my family is great at helping out and getting me out of jams.
So Daddy canceled my outgoing calls and Mummy found out the phone had been found by a (get this) a policeman and he took it to the Central Tel-Aviv District Police Station, which is where I went today. It was a whole lot less traumatic than I thought it was. It was just a really long walk from the the New Central Bus Station to the Police Station on Salame St, Yaffo (I know, I know...).

Yesterday was pretty miserable, since it was one bad thing after another. We didn't handle the goings on very well and now Omer (my ex-Co and of my commanders) wants to change the way we do things at the table, even though we've been doing fine for the past month, one really bad day doesn't negate the month of really fine work my station has been doing. Add to that, that I had to stay and actually talk directly to the slimy SOB, making Hagar and I miss the last bus and the train and then finding out that the train after that was twenty fucking minutes late!
So a bad day.

Today was okay and I'm meeting with Varda, a friend I've only met up with once since my return from the US.

Today seems to have caught up with me.
It wasn't so awful at the Army, but after coming home, resting a little, eating supper and talking with Mummy and Daddy I suddenly felt incredibly sad.
More than sad, very, very unhappy.
I didn't mention this last week, on the terrible Wednesday, where I broke down and wrote that very long post after.
I saw a man blow up.
I saw a person die.
I think it affected a whole lot more than I'm showing because I keep thinking about it, and every time there's mention of people being killed I think back to that Hezbollah man I saw die.
I'm glad he's dead.
And I feel sick because of that.

I spoke to morin about it yesterday, because she really helps put things in perspective for me, and she's always willing to listen, so I felt safe with speaking to her, because Mummy and Daddy, while they held me while I went hysterical from the initial shock, are not that compatible with me being a little more humanistic than patriotic and Zionist.
See I have this problem of seeing people as people... it's very difficult for me to banter with my fellow soldiers about the "stinking Arabs".

I don't know how to make myself feel better.
I don't want to be happy about dead people.

Today the barrage of rockets that landed in Israel from Lebanon killed eight civilians and two more soldiers were killed in battle.
I just want to live, I want those people to live as well, but they won't.
I want the three kidnapped soldiers to be back and happy with their families.
I want the Lebanese to be how they were; free, happy and independent, because that is their right... it is not a privilege.

I've calmed down considerably since Wednesday, having Friday to be depressed and mope and get everything out of my system.
The shift today was very, very relaxed, hardly any happenings and everyone seemed to be quite cheery, including hagar_972, who was still in pain, but was dealing a whole lot better today, most likely because the stress level was of the lowest we've had since the beginning of the Situation.

I'm going to be doing double shifts this week (four consecutive shifts without a 24 hour break between them), because I have an appointment I have to keep and I made it before my miluim was activated, so Hagar and I had to do a switchroo in order to no screw over Yaron (the other guy who does day shifts with us), so it ended up that I'll do four consecutive days, giving Hagar 48 hours of R & R, which she really needs, since she is more physically affected by the stress that I and she's been on active reserve since the first day of the fighting so it works well for everyone.

Hagar's Mother embarrassed me again, thanking me for letting Hagar rest, blush much? But seriously I need to keep this appointment and Hagar seriously needs to rest, so what harm is there? Plus, as I said today was pretty good, with not that many missiles falling in the north and Nassrallah looking like he hasn't slept a wink in the night(s). Today Nassrallah delivered a speech - I only got the soundbites, since the News I watch at the Army is without sound, so I only get to read the snippets, and let me tell you, he does not look like the great, smiling Shi'ite leader he looked like a couple of weeks ago.
He is so not the boogyman anymore for me, he's just a man, a pretty sad one as well, maybe it's just the peak, that's come from the bottom, but I feel really confidant about the way things are going. I won't go so far as to say optimistic, but I feel I am able to do double shifts for a friend and that's not how I felt yesterday.

It was a very bad day.

I don't have a body count yet, I'll probably know tomorrow just how many people we lost at Bint Jbiel today.
The News says eight... I know for a fact that it's more, but I suppose not everyone has been identified, nor have all the families been informed about what has happened. And since I've stopped listening to the news, I'll just have to wait for oral reports from my peers, or read it on someone else's blog.
I just finished crying for the second time today.
I reached the limit of how much I can internalize, today was a day of breakdowns and many leanings against other people's shoulders.

In Israeli news channels they show much aerial photography the Air Force (where I serve) provides them. Obviously they don't show the gory details, or the sensitive secret stuff.
I see the gore and I cheer, because I know we're killing Hezbollah operatives and taking out more and more rocket launchers that send their Katyushot, Zilzals and many others onto Israeli towns.
When I got home I cried and am still crying because I'm part of the machine killing people, but Hezbollah is my country's enemy and so I must be happy that we're killing them.
I feel so torn and... I can't even describe it.

Add to that, that I've been in this war since Monday the 17th, that's ten days and I'm getting burned out, some of my comrades have been in this since the beginning and they're burned out and going on, I'll have to as well.

I'm so tired.

I really should wait for my free day to write so that I sound a little coherent.

Being back in the army has strengthen my personal ideologies in such a way, that I believe we are need of a radical reform in almost every aspect of life; how and when that will come about I don't know, I'm still thinking about that and discussing it with people who don't really agree with me, so that I can learn the flaws and strengths in my arguments (the one benefit of serving again is meeting and working with men, religious among them, who take what you say seriously and are very engaging conversationalists).

More than ever am I a Feminist - I can see again why the Army is important and how integral it is to our national identity, and also how it imbues everyone with Nationalism, making it "us vs. them" which a more destructive ideology cannot be found. The Army also shows, in an extreme way, exactly how our country is constructed and how everyone is still arbitrarily categorized through gender and race, just as an example, where I am currently serving there is approx. the same amount of women as there are non-Ashkenazi men. Yeah, "White is right" my peachy, Ashkenazi ass!

More than ever am I a Humanist - the Israeli Defence Force... not really; in times of war we can't afford to be, we tell civilians about the bombings coming in, but they are held hostage by Hezbollah, who holds all of Lebanon hostage for Iranian influence. Not to mention that Syria is still aching to get their hands back in Lebanon, which they see as another piece of the Middle-Eastern Pie as far as they are concerned.
And through Hezbollah, we also get Hamas, which is sending it's citizens into Israel to kill themselves in order to murder Israelis.

These are not good people in the upper crust of those governments.

More than ever my government is one of the worst; where are our Representatives going on public broadcast telling the civilians that the war effort is going well? Where is our Prime Minister telling us that the army is doing the best job it can defending the home land? Where are the bittersweet lies people want to hear that their children on the front line are doing what is needed?
Where is the sympathy towards the 500,000 Lebanese refugees in southern Lebanon? Where is the UN to help the Lebanese government regain sovereignty over it's entire land? Where is the impartial media to tell both sides of what the fuck is going on?
This is the real world, and those things are lacking, much like an news about what's going on in Gaza and the West Bank, where Israel is still killing Palestinians and Gilad Shalit is still captured?

This war has also put on hold every other social issues in this country - just because we are at war does not mean we are not still living our lives, hundreds of senior citizens are being displaces, far too many children do not have the support Social Services is supposed to provide for them, still women are smuggled (even more easily now, since no one cares about anything other than bombing Lebanon and watching the news to see if their house was bombed) into Israel in the "white slavery" market economy.
Where police should be investigating rapes and murders they are guarding against "enemy incursions".
We have a Defense Minister for the war, a Foreign Minister for dealing with all the other people outside of Israel talking to us and a UN Ambassador who is actually doing some hard talking for Israel. I don't know what his politics are, but I have a feeling that once his tenure as Ambassador is over he'll be coming back and running for a pretty high government office, and since in Israel one very rarely votes for a party, but for the person heading the party their politics are not that important (sad, but true).

And so, not only is Israel condemned by the media, it is condemning itself into social disaster, It has to start;
#1 giving people information that actually helps and doesn't bombard them (bad pun, sorry) with how many missiles have injured, killed and destroyed in their neighborhood.
#2 Going on with life, yes there's war, but not everyone is fighting and Israel has to continue to be a government to the back lines who are still trying to live the semblance of a normal life.
#3 Treating humans beings as human beings; we are not only harming Hezbollah outposts and offices, we are hurting innocent people, those people are not "fucking Arabs"! They are humans trying to survive with guerrilla extremists using them as cannon fodder and a government too weak to actually help them.
I will not be dehumanized, by dehumanizing the Hezbollah, or by dehumanizing the innocent Lebanese men, women and children who have to live in those conditions.

Do I even want to get into what this war is doing to the Animals living in the North and is Southern Lebanon?
*sigh*

Once agian, a few lines from a song;
Woodstock by Joni Mitchell
By the time we got to Woodstock
We were half a million strong
And everytime there was a song and celebration
And I dreamed I saw the bombers
Riding shotguns in the sky
And they were turning into butterflies
Above our nation
We are stardust
We are golden
And we have to get ourselves
Back to the garden

Yeah, so being in miluim feels like regular service again, only a whole lot more free since no one is actually my superior officer and I'm there because I'm actually needed and not because it's mandatory.
Being the paranoiac I am I'll refrain from talking about what I actually do while at the desk, suffice to say I'm glad I'm lacking hair since I'd have ripped almost all of it out of stress and frustration. hagar_972 will crack up when I talk to her tomorrow.
I was quite amazed at how competent I was on my first day back, having the person who trained me sit the shift with me was the bomb, add to that, that hagar_972 and I have a kind of natural simpatico it was quite the rush, I even manned the station on my own for a little.
On Tuesday I sat with one of the new soldiers who man's my station and it was such a pleasure - cool under fire doesn't even begin, afterwords it's a bit of a crash, but working with him was amazing, great chemistry with that one and being the more "experience" I did the majority of the more intense stuff, though he did most of the talking with people who came to us for info which was nice since being back reminded me why I was so happy to leave.

Having the perspective needed to view my service critically I've come to the conclusion I took things way too seriously and let people get to me simply because I allowed them too. Add to that my individualism has matured greatly in the past 10 months being back with the soldiers was quite an experience. It's also amazing how being outside the system makes you blind to rank, some people are naturally blind to authority *coughhagarcough*, but me I'm a little more shy and tend to get all "yes, sure, ah ha, whatever you say* making me a pretty good little soldier though I never call anyone "sir" or "ma'am" unless I'm joking.
So being back and being spoken to as a "soldier" didn't sit well with me, especially my former CO who is just an asshole and is probably the son to two very hard-done-by parents. He's one of those anal "everything must be superhuman perfect" types who just makes people feel like crap since, ya know, he treats people like crap.
Haven't had a whole lot of interaction with my old office (mador), which is only for the best, since it would seem ever since my old direct Officer left my mador has only gone down-hill, but then again Captain Asshole (he's not a major yet) is their CO and is a nightmare both war and in peace since he doesn't believe in peace and it's a war every damn day with him.
Plus they forced me to wear a uniform, they could told me to come in one and I would have worm my own one that actually fits me properly! It's actually fun coming in uniform since it's one of those old cotton ones that are actually quite comfortable and kept me warm in the freezing cold of the AC controlled rooms!
Plus bracelets and dark nail polish (no to mention sporting a hair style most of the men are wearing) I finally look like the soldier I always wanted to look like, with political buttons and everything - sort of like Matthew Modine in "Full Metal Jacket".

The general situation is pretty crappy since too many rockets are landing in Israel and we are very reluctant (for obvious reasons) to get into Lebanon on foot, no one wants to go back in there, it's just too traumatic for this country to go through that again. There's a limit to the amount of action each side can give and eventually something is going to have to change, somehow.
Hopefully I'll not be completely burned out by the end of this shindig, I mean being with Hagar at the station is the best, plus when we're both together the station is at maximum since we're both the oldest who hold this station.
So being back is fun.
In a masochistic kinda way.

P.S.
Pastel pink so works with dark olive green, it certainly made me stand out, even more than my shouting and hair cut :)

I've been called up for reserves.

Yeah, the shit has hit the fan a little, however, I'll be in one of the safest locations in the country so not to worry.
It's only my nerves that are in danger.