So the Army called me last night...

[eumelia]

And asked me to come in for a day or two some time in the future.

I wonder if the new Reserve office made it clear to my old Unit that I'm not coming back.
That I'm unable to even think about doing what they want me to do.
I'm not cut out for this sort of thing, I went there to help a friend, I went there because my friend asked for help and I did what I could to help.
But I can't anymore.
Not when my heart starts to beat like a it's pumping it's going into a heart attack any second. When just thinking about going down into that bunker causes me to become this meek, spineless, crybaby.

Daddy asked me if I regret going into the Army last summer and one level no I don't, because I helped people and I helped my friends, but on another, yes I do. I regret that I had to come home every night and cry my eyes out and that I had to lose five kilos of weight due to stress. I regret serving in a War that did nothing but kill people, if we had attained our goals maybe it wouldn't have felt so worthless, but all this War did was make Israel look reckless, aggressive and unprepared for fighting an asymmetrical war.

I'm not cut out for watching monitors that show people being killed, and you know despite the fact that the people I saw die had no regard for life and that their goal was to destroy my home, which contrary to what some people think, I love. I can't fight for it the way it asks of me.

I can't.
I love my country, I hate my government. I love the soldiers, I hate the generals. I love the people, I hate the politics.

I love Israel, but I gave what I can and I have nothing else to give that it wants.
All I can offer is that I'll continue writing about what goes on here and tell people that yes, bad things happen here, but since when has bad things happening, made bad people.

Daddy when I told him that essentially yes, I regret having gone to the Army in the summer, despite not regretting helping my friend, I don't feel it was a good time for me. Daddy thinks it was good for me, "a new experience". And let's not forget the money.
Fuck that.
Seriously.
Fuck. That.
War is not "experience". And neither is a drill, not anymore.
I don't enjoy being a bitchy reservist that causes problems to my old unit, but I've been there and it's not the first time they've been low on personnel and it won't be the last, so they'll have to deal without Mel.
And yes it hurts me to do this, but I come first and going to a Drill is not in my best interests.
And asking me "wouldn't you earn money from it?", is not an okay question to ask when I've explained my position!