So the Army called me last night...

[eumelia]

And asked me to come in for a day or two some time in the future.

I wonder if the new Reserve office made it clear to my old Unit that I'm not coming back.
That I'm unable to even think about doing what they want me to do.
I'm not cut out for this sort of thing, I went there to help a friend, I went there because my friend asked for help and I did what I could to help.
But I can't anymore.
Not when my heart starts to beat like a it's pumping it's going into a heart attack any second. When just thinking about going down into that bunker causes me to become this meek, spineless, crybaby.

Daddy asked me if I regret going into the Army last summer and one level no I don't, because I helped people and I helped my friends, but on another, yes I do. I regret that I had to come home every night and cry my eyes out and that I had to lose five kilos of weight due to stress. I regret serving in a War that did nothing but kill people, if we had attained our goals maybe it wouldn't have felt so worthless, but all this War did was make Israel look reckless, aggressive and unprepared for fighting an asymmetrical war.

I'm not cut out for watching monitors that show people being killed, and you know despite the fact that the people I saw die had no regard for life and that their goal was to destroy my home, which contrary to what some people think, I love. I can't fight for it the way it asks of me.

I can't.
I love my country, I hate my government. I love the soldiers, I hate the generals. I love the people, I hate the politics.

I love Israel, but I gave what I can and I have nothing else to give that it wants.
All I can offer is that I'll continue writing about what goes on here and tell people that yes, bad things happen here, but since when has bad things happening, made bad people.

Daddy when I told him that essentially yes, I regret having gone to the Army in the summer, despite not regretting helping my friend, I don't feel it was a good time for me. Daddy thinks it was good for me, "a new experience". And let's not forget the money.
Fuck that.
Seriously.
Fuck. That.
War is not "experience". And neither is a drill, not anymore.
I don't enjoy being a bitchy reservist that causes problems to my old unit, but I've been there and it's not the first time they've been low on personnel and it won't be the last, so they'll have to deal without Mel.
And yes it hurts me to do this, but I come first and going to a Drill is not in my best interests.
And asking me "wouldn't you earn money from it?", is not an okay question to ask when I've explained my position!

Comments

Re: My beliefs are simple

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

*eyebrows raised*

I firmly believe that trampling individuals and their rights in the name of society is wrong - which is why i'm monitary Right, which is why I can be fierce about human rights sometimes.

I also believe that society is a neccesity of the individuals - which is why i'm not an anarchist, which is why I think that communities matter.

Society exists for the individuals, but if the individuals won't give of themselves, there won't be a society. Complex, hard, people get hurt and the structures don't always get all the support they need, either.

Is it really so simple for you? If it's hard, then don't do it? If some uniformed idiots make me snarl, I should not do reserve service, and the people living up north will pay for it (or, in the case of a war with Syria, everybody)? It's so fucking simple, isn't it.

People come first so I shouldn't call the one who's in post-trauma - or should I call her so that I can prevent more damage from the other two sitting day shifts with no one to allow them to take breaks, ever? Because that's the call i'm likely to be facing next war, you know.

[morin.livejournal.com]

You can keep pretending no one ever talked to you about those things, so people will have to re-explain what was explained, but it's just tiring.
You know very well I didn't tell you "Oh, it's hard, don't do it", but "If you keep going they will never train another person to your proffesional level". So this is besides the point.
I didn't say "If it's hard don't do it". I said "People first". That also means not risking anyone's lives by taking someone handaling a trauma to an essensial position, because they may stop functioning (either with or without taking a gun, shooting other people and themselves - something I hope Mel never does).
People come first, so you train extra amount of people for the important positions, So you don't call on those who are unable to do the job, so you risk as little lives as you can.
I'm not against communities, but no one should pay a price one's not willing to. If one would rather die than do, one should not be forced to do.

I think i'd rather stop here. I know what your stand is, I don't think it should prevent you from being supportive, and I don't see any point in digging my beliefs here. It's not the matter in discussion, and it won't matter anything at all.

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

I agree that this discussion is pointless. I'm also highly tempted to go through my miluim tag and toss some of your quotes back at you.

And, if I don't come to drills, there won't be anyone to train the newbies. If I don't fight for it, there won't be newbies to train. There is no 'system', there are only people and their responsibilities. And if some of us didn't believe in Doing The Job, the rest of you would pay very dearly for 'people first'.

So as I said two comments above, I simply don't count your opinion on those matters.

Re: My beliefs are simple

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

I just want to say that one of the hardest decisions I ever made was to say "No", but I knew that if I didn't I'd be compramising my pricipals and putting myself in a position that would cause me more pain and that's one of the reasons I felt I needed to write this post.

And no it's not simple, at all, I know this very, very well, but if the Army, GD forbid, needs to call miluim again for another war this summer I'm going to have to say "No" and I won't regret that.

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

I hope we don't get there, but.

I need to replace both you, Yaron and Omer V. - Omer won't sign the volunteer form, Yaron is likely to be assigned to another station, and you're not really up to it. The only person I have on the roster which I didn't last summer is Lior. That's two new people I need, and I have to take into account that most newbies have lesser staminas, even if they otherwise rock.

So I hope I don't have to face that choice. But if it's war and it's been weeks and the people in active service - regulars and reservists - are burning out?

I don't get to be responsible just for my own well-being. I don't get to be responsible just for my personal friends. And it sounds like blaming you, when I put it like this, and I don't intend to blame you and I hope you know that, but...

But. At the end of the day, if there's another war this summer... Then, just like last summer, the call is mine. The responsibility is mine. And it's easy to say that it's for no other reason then for my own beliefs... but as I said to morin, if not for those of us with those beliefs, everyone else wouldn't have the privilege to opt out.