Microaggressions Cut Deep

[eumelia]

Originally posted on Tumblr.

I have a co-worker, whom I hate. I would say the feeling is mutual, but I suspect she’s too thick to notice.

She’s one of those people who think they’re funny, that they have insight on matters of life, the universe, and other people’s business.

We’re a small group working together, and we work long hours. Obviously, casual talk will commence, especially when many of us have a lot in common - geekery and gayness being some of them.

I’m out as gay at work, on my team there are two other gay guys, and we’re a majority women team (including my boss, who is a woman), so my workplace has been very comfy for me, woman wise and queer wise.

This co-worker has been making my workplace hostile.

Earlier this week one of the parents’ at the office brought their baby to work. He was a big hit among everyone.

Obviously when there’s a baby in the office we start talking about babies, and the having them, or not.

I mentioned that it was fun to play with them, but it was so much more convenient to give them back at the end.

This co-worker said, “well, you’ve said you didn’t want a family so maybe it is better for you.”

Family

I was hurt deeper than I expected. Yes, I’m an out dyke. Yes, I mentioned that I don’t intend to have biological children, or adopt any. That doesn’t mean I don’t want a family.

That I don’t have a family.

I was erased by her words, her mind cannot entertain the idea of a family that isn’t a heterosexual one made out of parents and their children.

This happened days ago and I’m still thinking about it. She isn’t worth my time of day, I know this. I shouldn’t even think about what she said.

And yet, in her eyes, I’m not a real person.

That cuts deeper than anything else.

Comments

[lilacsigil]

To people like that almost nobody is a real person - only people exactly like them. It makes me think of my co-worker, who is generally an okay person, but deeply and horribly racist and thinks that so is everyone else, so as long as only white people are in the shop, it's okay to say racist things, because of course all white people think like her. Despite issues with IQ testing, though, there do seem to be strong links between stupidity and bigotry, and I think that's how that kind of person works.

[eumelia]

Wow, your co-worker sounds special too. I don't think my co-worker is an okay person, I think she's a very not nice person in general. She is also racist, but it barely comes up.

[anotherslashfan]

That is a harsh thing to say and I would probably be unable to forget it, too. But she is WRONG and even if you got her acceptance now, what would it be worth, really? Hope you can let it go a bit... although it's unfair that she does something stupid and hutrful and only you have to deal with the aftermath.

[eumelia]

Venting about it helps. It's very irksome. She doesn't even understand that what she said is hurtful and bigoted.

[green_knight]

It _is_ hurtful, but I don't think there's a way to make her see that. Sorry you have to put up with this :-(

[amethystfirefly]

Ugh. That's just really horrible of her to say. -hugs-

[eumelia]

*hugs* Thank you.

[adafrog]

{{{hugs}}}

[eumelia]

*hugs* Thank you.

[trouble]

My whole government seems to have that attitude. "Hard working Ontario families" have kids. So I guess we don't have a family.

My point being I'm not sure if that's a microaggression because the attitude is so pervasive and so ingrained and it's both very wrong and so hard to get away from.

[eumelia]

Yeah, it's like that here too. We're a very pro-natalistic nation. A pro-life org is getting an award next week for it's hard work in the struggle to maintain a demographic majority (I kid you not), I'll be there to protest this, of course.

I felt in this instance it was a microaggression towards me specifically, because I've spoken about not wanting to have children, but liking them, at the same time.

[trouble]

A pro-life org is getting an award next week for it's hard work in the struggle to maintain a demographic majority (I kid you not)

... wow. I am so, so sorry.

[green]

Privilege and assumptions and STUPIDITY. That's what that is. I'm so sorry, bb. I know it hurts, and to her it was just another throwaway line that she's forgotten by now. >:(

*hugs*

[eumelia]

*hugs* Thank you. And yeah, the knowledge that it meant nothing to her to say that is frustrating.

[yvi]

Wow...

*hugs*

I wish we could just generally start using the word "family" more for people without children anyway. Husband and I are a small family, but we are family.

[eumelia]

*hugs* Thank you, and agreed. I use family for any group of people (or individual) who define themselves that way. It's not just Ma, Pa, and the progeny anymore, ffs.

[silveradept]

That's cold. And, I'm guessing, the fact that they didn't realize the gravity of the insult only makes it all the more harmful.

We're sorry. Would that we were all farther along the path of respecting others.

[eumelia]

Thank you.