When You Think You're Safe

[eumelia]

Today I was complacent.

I was too confident, thought myself too smart and now things will never be the same. For me, at least. I doubt anyone else will give this as much thought.

Part of my job is to watch videos.

A lot of these videos are sexist, cater to rape culture and just plain offensive to my sensibilities. I am not shy about saying this, after all, just because I have to work with the material doesn't mean I have to like it.

One of my co-workers (we'll call her [The Heterosexist]) tried to convince me of the merit of the obnoxious humour that is found in these videos. I said, just because something is funny (and your mileage may vary rather widely!) doesn't make it inoffensive. Especially videos that are about how to "get a man" and tips of "how to kiss", all of which, as you can imagine, are sexist, cater to rape culture and are just plain offensive to my sensibilities.

The conversation evolved from talking about these "how to" guides for dating, to actual woes about dating. Two co-workers (including [The Heterosexist]) complained, as women who are socialising often do, about the dearth of men to date, how they didn't like strong women, how they didn't like older women, how they didn't like women who took initiative, etc.

I, jokingly, suggested that there was a remedy for this. That would be to not date men.

A different co-worker (we'll call her [Laid Back]) replied that the lesbian option was becoming more and more appealing. I said, one just needs to try hard enough *wink-wink nudge-nudge*

Now, because I work in an extremely liberal and casual office, because I work with a boss who has said the word "sexism" seriously, because I work on a majority woman team, because two of the three men with whom I work are gay; I felt safe enough to be casual and jokey about this aspect of my life, seeing as everyone else was being casual and jokey about that aspect of their lives as well.

Never fucking again.

[The Heterosexist], in light of what I said and how [Laid Back] replied, decided to share the fact that she knows she's not lesbian because when a woman hit on her she had to quit the class they studied in together.

Yes.

[The Heterosexist] went on to say that this woman treated her like she was her "boyfriend", went with her to the bus, took her to meet her friends. When a third co-worker (we'll call her [The Comedienne]) asked why she didn't just say she wasn't interested, [The Heterosexist] said this lesbian woman wouldn't take no for an answer, that she just kept hanging around her.

Considering she said she didn't know how to handle a woman hitting on her, I'm disinclined to believe her regarding how she interpreted the behaviour of this woman.

[The Comedienne] asked if she felt this woman was harassing her, [The Heterosexist] she wasn't sure, just that she was annoyed by her. [The Comedienne] said that would make a great comedy, about the lesbian who couldn't take a hint.

As you can imagine, I was feeling my blood boil and I ended up saying: "I think we have enough predatory gay stereotypes we have to deal with."

Call me Mel, the conversation killer.

The thing is, she clearly thought she was sharing a funny anecdote about Lesbians because the topic came up. Never mind that she has an ostensibly lesbian co-worker (me) and she was clearly uncomfortable with the implication that if she didn't date men she might be, god for-fucking-bid, considered one, because otherwise she'd be one of those pathetic women who were hung up on straight women who clearly would never ever ever want to date another woman.

I'm sure she thinks she has no problem with gay people. She's not bothered by it. Unless it's implied that this is something that can actually touch her.

Well, I shan't be so cavalier like I was today. I was stupid to think I could be.

And what burns the most is that one of my gay co-workers (let's call him [The Assimilationist]) said the whole situation was funny, that it would make great comedy.

Nice to see where his loyalties lie.

Comments

[dharma_slut]

I think the comedy would be about the str8 woman who was convinced that every woman who was even nice to her-- was a lesbian and was hitting on her.

And the women who were lesbians, meanwhile, would be around, living their lives aside from her histrionics.

It always amazes me how much people reveal about *themselves* when they think they are talking about others.

[eumelia]

Seriously. It's amazing what passes as funny and amusing anecdotes. Well, I knew she was heterosexist before hand, now I also know she's a homophobe :/

The comedy bit really pissed me off, I'm glad I made it clear that it wasn't actually funny.

[dharma_slut]

I do that ALL the time. The next thing to be aware of is that people will decide that you go around looking for reasons to be pissed off....

[eumelia]

No worries. They already think that. Also, I have no sense of humour, except when I'm funny. *sigh*

[bluflamingo]

That really sucks, I'm sorry. It's horrible to realise someone you thought you could trust isn't trustworthy or safe after all. Hugs

[eumelia]

It's the workplace in general that has been amazing and I kind of want to kick myself, even though it's her that has now ruined a part of it for me. Thank you. *hugs*

[lilacsigil]

*hugs*

[eumelia]

Thank you. *hugs*

[silveradept]

It's amazing what we will say without thinking about it, because we're apparently really good about talking about groups without remembering that people we know are part of those groups and might be offended by them.

[eumelia]

Pretty much.