Angsting Over Visibility and Erasure

[eumelia]

Language works against me.

I am different things in each vernacular.

There is a freedom in my bilingualism, but still both languages do not enable me to have the visibility I desire when it comes to my bisexuality.

It's easier to be gay (in Egnlish) or lesbian (in Hebrew), because those are clear cultural identifications.

There isn't much of a bisexual culture, not one I'm comfortable with at least.

Bisexual is not a word I like, beyond bad experiences with the word, unlike "gay", "lesbian" and "queer", to me it connotes a behaviour as opposed to an identity - possibly because of it's similarity to the overly medicalised "homosexual" (odd how "heterosexual" is not so medicalised, huh? Not odd, really).

But now, that I'm going to be speaking to teenagers about being LGBT, I need to make sure I have my letters in order and in Hebrew there is much less room to play around with the letters (In English I'm all the letters except the T, in Hebrew I can't be, because of the strict gender policing of the language).

I have to talk about being bisexual, as well as lesbian, because I am both, because despite the fact that I could be with a guy and probably be very happy, the assumptions of gender roles and gender dynamics within a different sex relationship is one that I feel utterly out of place in.

I am not one of those bisexual people who don't care about the gender of their partner. I do. A lot. It matters to me a great deal, it makes a difference to how I communicate and it makes a difference with regards to my needs and my desires.

But it's not just about who I have a relationship with, is it? It's about where I fit in, in the greater culture and I have always felt slightly out of place - wherever I was.

This is not a unique stand point. Is there anyone utterly comfortable where they are?

When it comes to sexuality and identifying with a sexual minority, because I am one and have felt the brunt of homophobia and biphobia, I don't think I can readily give up the moniker of lesbian - a woman who loves and desires other women. My bisexuality gives me the so-called flexibility to desire other genders as well, but I'm not flexible or fluid.

Language eludes me.

The words I know, and I know many, on this topic are not enough or they are not on the nose enough. They always leave something to be desired.

Maybe that's what being bisexual is about, in the end. Always running in circles that I'm gay, but not always, but I'm never straight, I was never straight, that has never been a part of my make-up.

Lesbian is also clear female sexuality, no questions, female centric and about female desires. That's also what I am.

Everything is so fucking vague. Or vaguely fucking (pardon my puns - it's a bisexual thing).

Comments

[dancesontrains]

<3 I think I get what you mean, bb. Although I have issues with the word 'q-r' (to the point of not being able to use it at all anymore) rather than with bi/pansexual (where I prefer the latter, but use the former with straight ppl and those who seem like they'd laugh slightly less.)

And I just realised I have no idea what any relevant words are for people like me in Hindi; I tried looking it up in a English to Hindi dictionary once, but found nothing under 'h' or 'g' that was relevant so didn't bother with 'b' or 'l'. So I just googled it, and it's either 'samlaingik' (same gender) or 'gandu' if you want to be rude.

Thank you for writing this.

[eumelia]

My fave is actually omnisexual, but that's because I'm a Torchwood survivor :) It's not something applicable to everyday life.
Pansexual doesn't sit right with me, because I think "bisexual" is no more binary than "trans" as a moniker, but I know not everyone agrees with that.
Queer works best for me, but it's a word I can only use in certain contexts (i.e. not with straight people).

Yeah, the word for "gay" in Hebrew is a derivative of "homosexual" and is basically used as a "school yard" insult.

I'm glad it resonated with you.

[askygoneonfire]

There isn't sufficient language anywhere for describing multiplicity in sexual desire, I think it because we're always starting from a point of linguistic failure - words like homosexual and bisexual arise out of need to fill gaps, not engagement with us.

Sigh.

I sympathise. And I also strongly identify with what you said here; "I'm never straight, I was never straight"

The word I most like to describe my sexuality is pansexual but always having to define that before I can use it detracts from any positives I feel in using it.

It's an interesting area to think and indeed talk about. I hope you are able to convey the importance of mutability when talking about labels to the teens. It's a complicated area. I think what you've put here goes a long way to clearly expressing that. I'll be interested to read your thoughts on this as your interaction with teenagers develops.

[eumelia]

I'm supposed to construct a "personal story" and give to classes in high school (maybe junior high later on) and I just don't want to sound as though I'm confused - incoherent is one thing, but I'm not confused and I hate that myth and stigma so much.

[amethystfirefly]

Yeah, I know what you mean. :/ I could go on and on about the problem and how it messes up my life and how I feel like, now that I'm with a guy, all my relationships with girls are now "less important" and... blahblahblah. But I'll save you the herd of teal deers.

-hug-

[eumelia]

*hugs*

That's rough, that invalidation, I'm sorry you're going through that.