Lavender Marriage

[eumelia]

In case somebody didn't know, a Lavender Marriage is term coined some time in the 1920's to describe the marriage of a gay woman to a gay man (gay being the cover all of any sexuality that isn't straight; gay, lesbian, bisexual).

For myself, I first heard the term when I got interested in Queer American History and discovered that a bunch of actors from around the 20's (and quite possibly to this day) practice this type of marriage in order to, well, appear normal.

Not surprising, considering the deviancy of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and queers in general.

This morning I opened my morning News Tab and read an article regarding a phenomena I already knew existed, but still, I'm saddened to read about it.

Israeli Rabbis launch initiative to marry gay men to lesbian women. Of the little interview materials that appear in the article, the word that jumps out more often than not is, surprise, normal.

[...]Etti and Roni, both religious, were married five years ago. Though they were honest with each other about their sexual orientations from their first meeting, to the outside world, they portray themselves as a normal heterosexual couple.
[...]
"It's incredible," [Etti and Roni] wrote. "Six years ago, we didn't think we would ever be this happy. We thought everything was black, that we'd lost our chance of a normal life.
[...]
Etti said her family still doesn't know she's a lesbian. She had one "serious" lesbian relationship, but "realized it was more important to me to raise children and live in a normal family."
[...]
[U]pholding the religious prohibition on homosexual sex was "very important" to them, as was their desire for "more or less normal parenthood," and both factors had influenced their decision
[...]
They are careful to keep up normal appearances before the children and the outside world, even sleeping in the same room, though they don't sleep together. Their children were born through artificial insemination.
[...]

All emphasis is mine, bold, underline and italics. Six times the word "normal" appears in that article, all as an adjective, a descriptor for a better life lived.
Never mind that in order to live this so-called "normal" life they lie to their children.

And you know something, the fact that the the Rabbis who enable these arrangements have the gall to say they're helping religious gays out of acknowledgment of their homosexuality rather than try and sweep it under the carpet makes me want to tear my hair out!

Really?! Requiring people to live lies, to raise children in a family that is based on a lie and keeping up appearances for the sake of, and I quote the article, "they want to establish a home, whether for the sake of becoming parents or for the social recognition". Again, emphasis mine. Becoming parents is easier when you're a relationship that is recognised by the religious-state institution, yes, I agree - still, the amount of same-sex parents is at an all time boom and the sperm used for artificial insemination in the former case of Orthodox Lavender Marriages is the same "spilled seed" that's used by single mothers, men with a low sperm count and same-sex couples (generally women).
But really.

It's the shame of being so-called "abnormal".

The shame and the fear of being social pariahs in a heteronormative heterosexist and homophobic society, all of which are compounded by the religious strictures of Orthodox Judaism, which in Israel has a specific pro-natalistic ideology (a secular nationalistic attitude as well, I might add) regarding the "Demographic Threat", so really, the political agenda of trying to "Straighten" the religious gays, who are already imbued with shame regarding their sexuality seeing as it doesn't mesh with the duties of religious life (especially for women) it's not hard to see how these Rabbis (looking out for the good of these poor suffering homosexuals) sell them this shit of lied and normality.

And you're damn right I'm judging them! To agree to this charade of life, despite social acceptance and the appearance of normality, one is signing up to a life of lies beginning with yourself - because a Rabbi gives you leave to "lapse" every once in a while, stating it's between you and the Creator... well, I'm sure the sacred institution of marriage isn't marred one little bit, when all it's there for is for the sake appearances.

At the time of the publishing of this article, this initiative has gotten 11 cuoples married, 2 of them are in the process of divorce.

I think one of the issues people (many religious people as well) is that religious law is something interpreted by human beings, that is, the so-called word of G-d, is something that needs to be conveyed via human scholars, none of whom actually know what the hell G-d may think about all this, should he exist one iota outside of our imagination.
What we have, as a religious society, is text.
Texts are written and re-written by people, none of whom are without bias! You really think the Orthodoxy of today, resembles in any way the Orthodoxy of 100 years ago?
Yeah, not so much.

Obviously, on a personal level, I don't agree with the position of keeping faith in a religious path that rejects a part of who you are, or requires that one deny their identity in the name of ethically questionable rules and laws. However, seeing as this is a path that many find that they need in order to live a Good Life, HoD (the first Religious Gay Org in Israel) published ten points of consideration for the Orthodox community.

I, for one, would just like to see society stop dumping all the phobias and anxiety on queers who, at times, don't have the fucking luxury of being "normal". Whatever the fuck that is.

Comments

[schemingreader]

I don't judge the couples in the story--if they want to live this way, and can be happy, that's fine for them. Sexuality is mysterious and knowing the couples I know, I don't think this is as unusual as people think it is. (For people of all sexualities to stay married when all they have is a working friendship, I mean.) I do judge the rabbis for encouraging this as a model and trying to get it to spread. They have to see it can't work for most people.

I guess on some level this is an acknowledgment from some right-wing Orthodox rabbis that frum queer Jews exist and suffer. By coming up with a cruel and ineffective solution, they are admitting their rigidity about gender and sexuality is a problem.

[eumelia]

I don't think there's any doubt regarding the fault of the Rabbis in this and yes, sexuality is a mysterious part of life and all, but this is another example of the religious establishment attempt at erasing queer sexuality. Of how the deviancy of LGB people is supposedly destructive to Jewish life.

I understand frum life is hard for Jews who identities don't mesh entirely and all, but that doesn't mean they should just listen to the Rabbis because they have a crummy solution.

Maybe I'm being too harsh in my judgement, but I'm really sick of seeing the religious establishment wrecking havoc and controlling people's lives rather than actually be a place of actual spiritual guidance.

[amethystfirefly]

That's.. horrifying. I mean, if the couples are entering into these marriages of their own free will, that's something different. But to have them enter into a marriage like this because they believe they're broken and abnormal and then to have the religious leaders promote that?

Horrifying. Just... horrifying.

[eumelia]

It really is.

It's such an abuse of authority and abuse in general.

[silveradept]

There needs to be a new definition of "normal", if denying your identity and living withing a box that allows others to marginalize you is considered becoming normal.

[eumelia]

"Normal" is a tyranny used by those in power to erase, oppress and marginalise anyone who doesn't fit into the narrow criteria of whatever "normal" means to them.

[silveradept]

Quite. It needs to be cleaned up some so as not to be such a weaponized word.

[liv]

Ugh. I know a rabbi who was heavily pressured into a shidduch even though he's completely homosexual, but in his case the bride wasn't a lesbian, she was a straight woman who wasn't informed of the situation. They had three daughters before she found out she'd been tricked by the community and divorced him. He would be much happier living completely openly in the UK and being a rabbi in the Reform community, except for the fact that he really regrets not being allowed contact with his daughters. I feel desperately sorry for all five of them; it's terrifying to me that any religious authority would think this kind of arrangement was a good idea.

[eumelia]

That is so sad :-(

There is no good in the situation you described.