Quaint Little Categories

[eumelia]

I'm currently watching a Francophone documentary about Bisexuality, called Bisexual Revolution.

It's interesting. Some of the attitudes presented are problematic (it being a choice, it being the new "gay struggle", using Brokeback Mountain as an example of ideal representation and others)

It's also gotten me thinking how much I hate the word.

"Bisexual".

It's the only word I've got.

I dislike pansexual, because it is supposedly an "upgrade" of the word, as though it rises above the constructed gender binary. I know lesbians who have dated trans men? Have those women risen above their monosexual attraction? If so, why do they continue to identify as lesbains?
Bisexual is no more a binary word than homosexual or heterosexual, yet people aren't rushing to find alternative words to those identities, except, ya know, "gay" and "straight".

Over the past few years I've found myself irked by the words available to me as a self-label. sparkindarkness just wrote a brilliant post on the necessity for labels.

Queer is my word. It has been my word since I was about 19.
But bisexual was the first word I understood that explained what I am in my desires.

I hate that word.
I hate that that it implies an indecisive nature, when I'm one of the most stubborn people I know. I hate that when I'm with a guy I need to reiterate the fact that I'm not straight and that when I'm with a girl it doesn't mean I "turned" gay.

However, identifying as "Queer", "Gay", "Dyke" or "Lesbian", words I use with growing frequency, isn't just a repertoire of sexual identity, it is also identifying with a certain position within society.

I do not identify with the straight mainstream. It is my culture because the queer bubble isn't a vacuum, but I find myself pushing against the monolith of straight culture. Or more to the point, I recognise my position within that culture as "abnormal".

Sad but true.

"Queer" is my word and as a rule, I do not use it with straight people.
I dislike using "Bisexual" because then it means I'm sexually available in a way that has nothing to do with my consent and everything to do with stigma.

I love being and hanging out with my Gay friends, though generally speaking the Gay scene isn't my scene, it's so much fun to be with men who aren't looking at me like a piece of meat, unless I ask them to (they're quite happy to oblige).
I love being and hanging out with Lesbians and the Tel-Aviv Lesbian scene is really awesome and inclusive - though not to cis men. With good reason, of course, but I don't think that if I were to start dating a cis guy I'd be so welcome like I am today.

But of course, that's my own prejudice as well.

Identifying as "queer" is an ethical and political position. It is a rejection of the notion that I am fodder to straight mainstream fantasy.
It is a rejection of a whole lot of default positions that I'm assumed to posses because I'm a cis woman of the white-Jewish persuasion.

I want a word that's a cultural identity, not just a sexual orientation.

It's during times like these that I wish I lived in the 51st century and I could just say that I'm Omni. And everyone would get it.

The closest I can pinpoint my desire is bisexual-queer.
Maybe there will a better way to say it one day.

Comments

[teej]

fucking yes! i hate the word bisexual as well, i know that as soon as i utter that word it is already infused with negative connotations. but in 'straight' contexts where 'queer' just doesn't resonate with people - yup, it's the only word i've got (although sometimes i ID as lesbian too).

i like how you have pointed out that 'bisexual' is no more binary than homosexual or hetero, that is very true.

[eumelia]

It is important to try and imbue positive connotations into the word, but the word itself is just... bleh...

*sigh* what are non-monosexual queers to do?

Smash the heterosexist ciscentric patriarchal hegemony, of course!

[teej]

It is important to try and imbue positive connotations into the word

oh yes, i agree.

reminds me i've been wanting to get hold of the book by clare hemmings called 'bisexual spaces'. have you heard of it/read it? i've read really thought-provoking articles (in my view!) by her on other topics related to feminist theory so think it would be interesting.

[scribbled_lore]

I dislike using "Bisexual" because then it means I'm sexually available in a way that has nothing to do with my consent and everything to do with stigma.

This was my experience in high school and college and continues to be my experience when my (male) partner isn't around to help ward off the creeps.

I love being and hanging out with Lesbians and the Tel-Aviv Lesbian scene is really awesome and inclusive - though not to cis men. With good reason, of course, but I don't think that if I were to start dating a cis guy I'd be so welcome like I am today.

Unfortunately, this is why I avoid the lesbian scene here in the US. That and as a bisexual queer there's the possibility that my cock loving self will taint their pure lesbian love. *a tad bit bitter*

[eumelia]

I've met some cock loving dykes, but they'd never be in a relationship with a cis man. Which is the point, of course.

It's a problem, yeah, but I've never experienced moral judgement, existential fear and stigmatisation when I was with a boyfriend. I'm much more wary of straight society than I am of queer one(s).

[keeva]

please send the cock-loving dykes my way, thanks!

[moonbathe_skin]

I want a word that's a cultural identity, not just a sexual orientation.

I totally agree with this statement, but "queer" doesn't work for me in the UK.

[eumelia]

I can understand that.

[moonbathe_skin]

Over here "eccentric" works quite well. If questioned, "asexual" also keeps people quiet!!

[svollga]

I prefer 'queer' as self-identification because it depicts both gender identity and sexual orientation without any petty details, as anything but straight-cis. But in my native language, this word or its equivalent does not exist. So I use labels depending on situation - mostly 'bisexual woman' for general public, 'bisexual bigender' for more advanced public and 'omnisexual' for the most advanced (thanks, Jack).

I'm lucky to have really all-inclusive social circle which does not discriminate and rarely fails with other's identity. I'm used to people using exactly those labels other people prefer. (Also, I'm used to people of any gender openly expressing their appreciation of the looks and brains and personality of any other person of any gender without objectifying and/or stereotyping, so I have issues when meeting the cold and cruel world outside.)

Saying that, I have a lot of troubles with finding a label for myself. Most of the usual ones don't suit me; and I'm tired of explaining more unusual ones. Also, there's always and issue of fluidity, 'what I am now' vs 'what I can potentially be'. When I have a partner, I feel the boxes we are put into; when I'm single, I have a weird need to define myself against someone or something, not by myself.

On the other hand, I feel the need to have a label for myself, a shortcut, a name, a group I belong to. I think I can emphasize with what you are saying about 'a word that's a cultural identity'.

[eumelia]

Thanks for the empathy :)

[amethystfirefly]

-lots of applause-

[eumelia]

Thanks!

[dharma_slut]

Well, I call myself a bisexual queer.

Or, a bisexual dyke.

or, a queer dyke.

Sometimes, a man. But that-- not nearly as often as I would like.

[silveradept]

Perhaps cheering, or perhaps depressing, or perhaps pointing out how much I skate on the surface of weighty issues without being pulled underneath (privilege-based blindness sucks), I've never used nor heard "bisexual" as a four-letter word, but simply as someone expressing that they can have meaningful, loving, sexual relationships with persons who identify as one or the other gender.

It sucks, though, that people mostly relate to that as an Other of Others, trying to get you to fit their view instead of meeting you in yours, even when they're trying to get others to relate to them in their worlds.

Thanks for the link on labels.

[pineapplechild]

I hear ya'. I dunno. I generally use something along the lines of "I go for both," or something similar. If pinned to a selection of choices, I'll go for bisexual, or lesbian if bi is not an option. (Even when dating men, I continue to maintain an interest in the queer community around me, and that identity is important to me.) Mostly, I don't label myself; not any moral objection, just long survival trait. I've been out to varying degrees since I was 12. But I've spent a lot of time in situations where as long as I didn't claim the name, whatever my behavior, I was much safer. Perhaps a cop out.

[aquaeri]

Have you read Hanne Blank's Learning to Love the Rain? I think it'll resonate.