Understanding, Tolerance and Those Other Things

[eumelia]

Israel's Interntional Day Against Homophobia Day website is up - IDAHO Israel (It's all in Hebrew, but it looks pretty). The nice thing about the acronym of IDAHO in Hebrew, which is הבנה - Havanah, is that it spells out the word "Understanding".

I like that.

Getting the launch notice in my email box also got me thinking about a topic I'd been meaning to write about for a while now.

I know that throughout the past year my "queeriosity" tag pretty much exploded. I feel guilty about that.
Not for talking about the queer thing, or for info dumping my perspective on queer issues, but the fact that it took a trauma for me to realise how sheltered and privileged I was (I still am).

When I came out the first time at 15 it was because I was fighting with my mother, god knows about what and I blurted it out. It shut her up, which was the desired effect. She told me not to tell my dad and that I should try the "hetero way before [I] decide something rash" (I will never forget her words).

Five years later I came out again; I was out of the army, I was starting my life after two years of stagnation and I thought it was as good a time as any.
I told my dad as we drove home from work and it was a classic cliché thing, "Daddy, I have something to tell you".
And I did.
His response, after a few moments of quiet (which I thought would last forever, my dad is one those laconic quiet types) said: "Are you seeing a woman at the moment?"
I was single at the time, which is my default state any way, so: "No", I replied.
"Why are you telling me now?"
It stung.
A lot.
Still, at the time I thought that as far as responses go, it could have been worse.

As time went by and I became more vocal about being a queer person, I could see that my parents did their best to ignore this, my sibs didn't seem to really get why I was getting riled up - especially when no one was actually being, you know, intolerant towards me.

Why wasn't I happy with this tolerance? It could have been so much worse. I could have been thrown out on my ear, I could have been told to never mention such horrible things again. I live with my parents, am supported financially by them and will probably not move out until I have finished my studies.

I am not about to confront them about the fact that I feel that their treatment of me and [Southern!Girl] during the year that we were together was severely under par. That I wasn't treated as though our relationship was equal to any of the guys I dated for a couple of months before I met [Southern!Girl].

During the year that were together I was asked time and time again not to introduce [Sothern!Girl] as my girlfriend, but just by name. When I complained I was accused of "not understanding" their point of view.

I read Sarah Schulman's book, the one I mention when I wrote about meeting her, Ties That Bind, in which she coins the term "familial homophobia" and discusses the phenomenon from a very personal and (obviously) political place.
I have so many passages underlined.
I scribbled a lot in that book.

In the book she lays out how familial homophobia operates and how by being a part of the nuclear family structure heterosexual children and relationships are privileged is various and sundry ways.
It is radical in it's assessment.

What does it say about the society that we live in when a 25 year old Israeli bisexual-queer Grrl recognises the experiences of a 51 year old New-Yorker lesbian?
Far too much.
Unlike Ms. Schulman, I was not ostracised out of my family and I am a (hopefully positive) influence on my niece and nephews and hope to be able to teach them and be there for them in ways their parents aren't.
But the feeling of difference is there. Deeply and it's disturbing and it's masked as "not so bad".

That we are tolerated is something to be appreciated.

I'm not a tolerant person, I know this of myself. I'm judgemental and elitist and will argue my point until your ears bleed. I may not let you get a word in edgewise.
Some things, are not an opinion.
Asking us to be "understanding" of how we impose ourselves is so insulting I don't even know how to articulate the hurt I feel when it's asked of me.

I get upset when I mention the marriage of a friend and am asked "Have I found a suitable boy yet?" and when I say "no", am then asked jokingly "I suppose I should ask about a girl" as though my most serious relationship ever was, ya know, a passing fluke.

It may not be as earth shattering as being expelled from the family, being mourned and sat Shivah on as though I had died, but these little daily instances are diminishing, softly dehumanising... plainly and simply wrong.

To get straight people - family and friends - to see it that way can be even more upsetting, because you're forcing the people you love to confront the fact that their behaviour hurts you - and be rebutted by a line that basically says "we love you too, but your existence is difficult for us".

There's more to say. Not now, though.

Happy May Day.

Comments

[sajia_kabir]

Remind me to write my post about trying to and failing to come out as a bisexual to my family. Part of it is that I've never pursued a woman the way I've pursued men - but the desire is very real, and I don't feel comfortable pushing it away as straight female homoeroticism. Do I fight for queer rights in Islam as an ally or as a real queer? I've been a lifelong celibate, I've felt desire but been awkward in expressing it. Except in song. It hurt enough to be rejected by men, I couldn't bear to be rejected by a female friend.

[sajia_kabir]

I've decided to repost this in my own journal.

[eumelia]

I'll comment there, then.

[dharma_slut]

asked jokingly "I suppose I should ask about a girl"

You say; "yes, that's correct. No, I haven't found her yet."

((((hugs))))

[eumelia]

Thank you!

[starlady]

I haven't been commenting so much lately, but I have been reading.

my sibs didn't seem to really get why I was getting riled up

I have encountered that incomprehension in less central circumstances, and it is painful even when it isn't related to who one is.

[eumelia]

I agree, I find myself misunderstood in many facets, but it always seems to relate somehow to my standpoint.

I dunno, it's an odd feeling.

[majoline]

To get straight people - family and friends - to see it that way can be even more upsetting, because you're forcing the people you love to confront the fact that their behaviour hurts you - and be rebutted by a line that basically says "we love you too, but your existence is difficult for us".

I wish people would see that they should put aside their discomfort and love their friends and family more than focusing on what makes them uncomfortable. People are still people.

I wish I could give you more than words.

[eumelia]

Thank you for those words.

People are still people is one way of putting it. I'd argue that it isn't so much the focus on what makes them uncomfortable, but the fact that that discomfort is enforced as normal. Reacting to discomfort and not viewing a queer person as "not exactly right" is totally fine and just the way people should react.

[amethystfirefly]

I came out as bisexual to my mom way back when. And I got so sick of the "you'll find the right man and have lots of kids" shit.

I'm very happy that my "right man" ended up having boobs and a vagina. Not to be flippant about the pressures, but it is a relief that I've been with the same girl for so long that Mom's finally freaking settled down about the pressure to find a guy.

And I'm also happy that my brother finally spawned so there's no pressure to give my mom grandkids. -rolls eyes- Because it was oh so wise to expect the cripple in the family to breed. -.-

[eumelia]

LOLZ, you comment made me laugh! So thanks for that :)

Yeah, my older sibs have got the gransdids thing under control, in a way that's the benefit of being the baby of the family - no pressure! (Yet).

[amethystfirefly]

I aim to please! -bows-

See, I'm the oldest, so I got all sorts of pressure from Mom, even outside the "make me a baby, woman!" stuff.

[evolvedcucumber]

My mother has only recently (after almost 18 months of serious relationship-ness) came to terms with the fact that I am with a girl. Now of course, I have to try to get her to understand that being trans is not my way of "getting back at" her. It's just who I am.

Familial phobia is harder to deal with, imo, because on the one hand, you want to tell all phobes to fuck off, but they're still *family*!

Ugh.

Word to this.

[eumelia]

OMG Yes, the whole "Why are you doing this TO ME?!" thing. I mean, seriously, get over yourselves moms.

Not everything, in fact not even most, of what we do is of any reflection on YOU (moms, that is).

[miss_haitch]

Thank you for this post.

[eumelia]

You're welcome. I'm glad it spoke to you.

[silveradept]

How difficult. They're almost there, but you can see that there are a couple of steps still left to go that they don't seem willing to take.

There is a gulf between tolerance and acceptance, and I hope they can find a way to build a bridge across.

[quivo]

Thank you for this.

"we love you too, but your existence is difficult for us"

This especially. It is so on the nose, so exactly what is wrong.

[eumelia]

I'm glad this resonated for you.

Reading her book is a real, not so much an eye opener because this is something we all know, but it's certainly puts into words everything.

And it's difficult to talk to family, isn't it. We really expect them to get it right away, not "hem and haw" and at times be obnoxious.

[quivo]

And it's difficult to talk to family, isn't it. We really expect them to get it right away, not "hem and haw" and at times be obnoxious.

Been musing over how to respond to this for a bit. I figure I'll just say straight out that expecting my family to get it right away is so not how I've thought about things XD. My husband's family knows (and didn't get it, being Catholic to an annoying degree), but my family doesn't, because we don't speak.

I know I'm lucky that I can stick to my guns in that respect without consequences, and I know that decent people are supposed to get it right away, and yet the thought of relying on people to do so just seems really foreign to me. :P

[secondsilk]

Oh, the pressure and discomfort of loving people who are homophobic. I'm lucky in that it is friends, and not my family, who are "uncomfortable" with my sexuality.

My family is awesome. My mother is very much on board with the sense that tolerance is not enough, that people should be accepted and celebrated. "Mere tolerance" is wearying.