This Entry is Too Gay
Jan. 24th, 2010 12:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eumeliaWhen I think about various discussions I've had with my parents regarding my political alignment (re: The Loony Left), I think about the fact that a former uni classmate of mine (who studied Psychology) said that they're probably sublimating their hostility regarding my queer factor onto my politics.
It's an interesting thought, one I wouldn't disregard, as it makes sense. Seeing as both my political alignment and me being not strictly straight are viewed by my parents as a rebellious phase.
Though honestly, having been "officially" out to my immediate family for nearly five years now1, you'd think the whole "phase" thing would be taken as, you know, my life.
Alas.
Seeing that I'm now on Semester break and my first exam is only this coming Sunday (as in, not today, yays) I had time.
I had time to watch a twenty seven minute video about Coming Out With Mom from a YouTube channel called The Beaver Bunch, which are a bunch of American LGBTQ peeps talking about what it's like to be LGBTQ and disseminating information.
Things I generally find none too shabby.
I've watched a few of the shorter videos... it's all very American, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the issues do not really correspond with my experiences.
In any event, that video I watched irritated me throughout. Because constantly, constantly there was this emphasis on time.
When you come out give your parents time.
Time to realise you're the same person you always were.
Time to realise what they hoped for you (that fantasy of who you are in their head) is not what they thought.
Time to learn mourn the life they thought you were going to have.
In the video one of "Beaver's" - Michel(le?) - is sitting with her mother and they're answering questions from viewers about coming out.
I was irritated by the closeness that I saw between them. Obviously, I was completely and utterly jealous.
Not because Michel(le?)'s mother had reached an acceptance with the fact that her daughter is gay, but the fact that they even shared that closeness.
My family is disgustingly close and harmonious. We all get along, we enjoy spending time together and the whole family (in which we are my folks, me and my sibs, my sibs-in-law and my nephews and niece) make a total of 13 people in the nuclear structure.
I can never see myself be close to my mother that way; because we never were that close and because I don't think I can bring myself to think about the fact that my being with a woman last year - while she was sick, while my brother was engaged and getting married, while there were a bunch of other issues I'm not at liberty to share - my own feelings were completely trampled over and I was forced to closet myself and my girlfriend during family gatherings (even though everyone knew, glass closet anyone?).
This can by construed as "cry moar", I know.
And you know what, yes this is me bitching and moaning about the fact that by standing up for myself, asking my siblings to stand up for me (which they did, some better than others in my feelings) I felt guilty about the fact that I was making life difficult for my mother.
My dad is on her side. He should be. That's what spouses are for, right? A united front in order to deal with the world - a world which happens to include a queer child of their own.
He's in the mind that with my "life style" I'm making things more difficult for myself. My mother just doesn't want to deal.
To me it feels like a huge, massive, elephant sitting at the supper table waiting to be spoken to.
It doesn't help that I still live at home (such is the life of a broke Uni Student in Israel - it takes us a while to let go of the apron strings) and honestly, I can it's going to be me who is going to end up taking care of the folks when they're decrepit because I'm the youngest by nearly a decade - I'm a different generation, I'm not married (nor am I ever going to be), I'm the one who's never going to be in a "real" relationships because no one wants to date the "indecisive bisexual girl" - by the way, I've come to really really hate the word bisexual.
Even though that's the word that describes my orientation, I hate that it makes it seem as though there's a 50/50 split in my attraction and despite the fact that according to the Klein Grid I'm a 3+ - I actually really, really prefer queer culture.
But queer is a loaded word for my parents - for whom it is a derogatory word and I would not like to hear them say to me or about me.
The word bisexual has the word "sex" in it and really now, being LGB isn't about who you have sex with - it's also - but not just. Just like being straight isn't just about who you're sleeping with.
The stigma of being "indecisive", "non-monogamous"2, a "phase" in deciding whether I'm "really, truly gay"... I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with - especially when I really like Lesbian culture and find the local Bisexual movement irritating.
I'm tired of having to assert who I am. It's not constant, but it feels that way sometimes. It's awkward and really not how I imagined this to be.
Yes, I was naive. Before I had seriously dated a woman I didn't actually have to deal with all this crap and I could skip along being the happy queer that I was and talking about bisexual erasure on the academic level and not have to really go through it. Because by chosing my battles, more often than not I will say "gay", or "queer", or "lesbian" - none of which are "false advertising" - but it's exactly what I'm talking about.
Now I'm rambling.
I hope you enjoyed this post of ridiculousness, irritation and self-indulgence.
Things tangential to the actual entry
1) I came once before when I was 15 and was severely, severely burned by the reaction so pretty much stopped talking about anything relating to sexuality except the fact that I was obsessed with the Rocky Horror Picture Show for two years - that apparently didn't clue in the 'rental units, that was all part of my "drama" phase. Like most teenagers, I had various interests that came, went and returned in a certain to varying degrees. ↵
2) I'm not talking about polyamory here. I'm talking about the fact that bi people are considered "cheaters", disease spreaders and all the other fun stuff that goes with that kind of stigma. Poly people can be of every sexual orientation as this is a relationship dynamic and not an "object --> desire" dynmaic - at lease the way I understand it from my own monogamous pov, please enlighten me if I've fucked up here. ↵
It's an interesting thought, one I wouldn't disregard, as it makes sense. Seeing as both my political alignment and me being not strictly straight are viewed by my parents as a rebellious phase.
Though honestly, having been "officially" out to my immediate family for nearly five years now1, you'd think the whole "phase" thing would be taken as, you know, my life.
Alas.
Seeing that I'm now on Semester break and my first exam is only this coming Sunday (as in, not today, yays) I had time.
I had time to watch a twenty seven minute video about Coming Out With Mom from a YouTube channel called The Beaver Bunch, which are a bunch of American LGBTQ peeps talking about what it's like to be LGBTQ and disseminating information.
Things I generally find none too shabby.
I've watched a few of the shorter videos... it's all very American, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the issues do not really correspond with my experiences.
In any event, that video I watched irritated me throughout. Because constantly, constantly there was this emphasis on time.
When you come out give your parents time.
Time to realise you're the same person you always were.
Time to realise what they hoped for you (that fantasy of who you are in their head) is not what they thought.
Time to learn mourn the life they thought you were going to have.
In the video one of "Beaver's" - Michel(le?) - is sitting with her mother and they're answering questions from viewers about coming out.
I was irritated by the closeness that I saw between them. Obviously, I was completely and utterly jealous.
Not because Michel(le?)'s mother had reached an acceptance with the fact that her daughter is gay, but the fact that they even shared that closeness.
My family is disgustingly close and harmonious. We all get along, we enjoy spending time together and the whole family (in which we are my folks, me and my sibs, my sibs-in-law and my nephews and niece) make a total of 13 people in the nuclear structure.
I can never see myself be close to my mother that way; because we never were that close and because I don't think I can bring myself to think about the fact that my being with a woman last year - while she was sick, while my brother was engaged and getting married, while there were a bunch of other issues I'm not at liberty to share - my own feelings were completely trampled over and I was forced to closet myself and my girlfriend during family gatherings (even though everyone knew, glass closet anyone?).
This can by construed as "cry moar", I know.
And you know what, yes this is me bitching and moaning about the fact that by standing up for myself, asking my siblings to stand up for me (which they did, some better than others in my feelings) I felt guilty about the fact that I was making life difficult for my mother.
My dad is on her side. He should be. That's what spouses are for, right? A united front in order to deal with the world - a world which happens to include a queer child of their own.
He's in the mind that with my "life style" I'm making things more difficult for myself. My mother just doesn't want to deal.
To me it feels like a huge, massive, elephant sitting at the supper table waiting to be spoken to.
It doesn't help that I still live at home (such is the life of a broke Uni Student in Israel - it takes us a while to let go of the apron strings) and honestly, I can it's going to be me who is going to end up taking care of the folks when they're decrepit because I'm the youngest by nearly a decade - I'm a different generation, I'm not married (nor am I ever going to be), I'm the one who's never going to be in a "real" relationships because no one wants to date the "indecisive bisexual girl" - by the way, I've come to really really hate the word bisexual.
Even though that's the word that describes my orientation, I hate that it makes it seem as though there's a 50/50 split in my attraction and despite the fact that according to the Klein Grid I'm a 3+ - I actually really, really prefer queer culture.
But queer is a loaded word for my parents - for whom it is a derogatory word and I would not like to hear them say to me or about me.
The word bisexual has the word "sex" in it and really now, being LGB isn't about who you have sex with - it's also - but not just. Just like being straight isn't just about who you're sleeping with.
The stigma of being "indecisive", "non-monogamous"2, a "phase" in deciding whether I'm "really, truly gay"... I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with - especially when I really like Lesbian culture and find the local Bisexual movement irritating.
I'm tired of having to assert who I am. It's not constant, but it feels that way sometimes. It's awkward and really not how I imagined this to be.
Yes, I was naive. Before I had seriously dated a woman I didn't actually have to deal with all this crap and I could skip along being the happy queer that I was and talking about bisexual erasure on the academic level and not have to really go through it. Because by chosing my battles, more often than not I will say "gay", or "queer", or "lesbian" - none of which are "false advertising" - but it's exactly what I'm talking about.
Now I'm rambling.
I hope you enjoyed this post of ridiculousness, irritation and self-indulgence.
Things tangential to the actual entry
1) I came once before when I was 15 and was severely, severely burned by the reaction so pretty much stopped talking about anything relating to sexuality except the fact that I was obsessed with the Rocky Horror Picture Show for two years - that apparently didn't clue in the 'rental units, that was all part of my "drama" phase. Like most teenagers, I had various interests that came, went and returned in a certain to varying degrees. ↵
2) I'm not talking about polyamory here. I'm talking about the fact that bi people are considered "cheaters", disease spreaders and all the other fun stuff that goes with that kind of stigma. Poly people can be of every sexual orientation as this is a relationship dynamic and not an "object --> desire" dynmaic - at lease the way I understand it from my own monogamous pov, please enlighten me if I've fucked up here. ↵
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no subject
Date: 2010-01-24 11:26 am (UTC)Half right, I think. Spouses are also there to disagree and make their "other(better?) halves" see stuff from a different angle. There is an element of helping the "other half" stand tall and being supportive, obviously, because that's part of loving someone, but this is very different from agreement with them.
no subject
Date: 2010-01-25 09:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-24 02:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-25 09:18 am (UTC):)
no subject
Date: 2010-01-25 09:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-24 10:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-25 09:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-25 01:20 am (UTC)Demographics are on your side, though - it's almost never the youngest sibling who looks after the elderly parents, unless she is the only girl. And spouses should support each other, but not at the expense of their children - there's more than one dynamic at play there!
no subject
Date: 2010-01-25 09:20 am (UTC)We'll see about that demographic thing.