"I didn't know you were..."

[eumelia]

The Yanks are having a Gay Ole' Time!

Sorry, I couldn't resist.
The Interwebs are very US centric, so I know that the 11th of October is National Coming Out Day and that during Obama's address at the Equality March he promised to revoke Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
He didn't specify when, but meh.

I also read a post that resonated in me so much, my eyes stung up as I read it, you should read it too.

Coming out never ends.
You have to do it over and over and over again.

When I came out to my mother I was 15 and she said "Why don't you try the Hetero way, first" and "Don't tell your father".
I didn't tell my dad until I was 20 and he said "Are you in a relationship with a woman?", I wasn't at the time, "Then why are you telling me this now?".

I don't mean to vilify my parents, but this is such an ordinary reaction it's hardly worth mentioning. Because it doesn't matter that I'm Bi and am thus "gay" whoever I'm with, it only matters when the genitalia of the person I'm fucking is the same as mine.
Then, "I'm making my life more difficult".
As I am responsible for the homophobic reactions I'm forced to endure and yeah, those small insignificant questions are "homophobic" and yeah, I will call you on them.
Hiding behind conservatism, or old-fashioned views, or that a double standard is okay because it's social.

I don't mention my siblings, because they're awesome; despite the fact that one of them thought I said I was queer because I was looking for attention (*grrr*), despite the fact that one of them tried to excuse the police assaulting us at Jerusalem Pride, despite the fact that one of them challenged the oppression of queer identity by comparing it a different one.

I don't mean to vilify them either.

My family, I love them dearly and they love me.

But the assumption, assertion and aggressively enforced enables people, no matter who they are, to doubt my identity and this, of course, holds true for the Queer community as well.
This requires that I assert, "advertise" and repeat "I'm gay/queer/bi/the-label-that-fits-best-at-this-time-and-place".

When I was in the IDF, I was out during my training and more than anything, to the group of about 20 young women that lived together for nearly four months, I was a curiosity at first, but because none of us was fucking while we were on base sex was spoken about as something we miss and not something we do.
At my permanent unit I was not out, except to the Lunch Club, which could have been dubbed the "Bunch of Queers having a two-hour Lunch Club".
It was nice.
But none of us were out in our units.
No doubt, everybody knew.
No confession was made. no questions were asked. That was fine, but until actually spoken about, it is assumed that you are straight.
Even if you are the Dykiest Dyke, The Faggiest Fag and the Omniest Bi.

And it sucks. It forces you to be, for large portions of your life,dishonest by default and purposefully.
"It's provocative having two women together at a wedding".
"Do not introduce her as your girlfriend".
So we didn't slow dance, and you'd have to be pretty slow not to figure it (that we're together) out.

To be "out" is to be provocative.
It's a luxury I felt acutely this year, the freedom of it in certain arenas, it's utter deprivation in others.
That my life.

That's all our lives.

Comments

[nurint.livejournal.com]

But none of us were out in our units.

Ahem?
Short of wearing rainbow coloured uniforms, I was about as out as could possibly be in my unit, with explicitly telling the vast majority of my branch (officers included) I was gay (though I guess it probably wasn't needed, considering how gay I looked back then :P).

Happy coming out day!

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

I had no idea that you'd actually come out, I thought it was like I had written, that every body knew but we didn't actually say.
All right.

You "look" pretty gay today as well :P

*hugs*

[nurint.livejournal.com]

Really? Funny that you didn't know. It was quite important to me to be very open about my sexuality after spending the first part of my service in the previous unit quite closeted and hating it. Was very timid because I didn't know of anyone ever being out in that first unit and wasn't sure how it was treated. Then when I got to our unit decided I wasn't going to waste my life waiting for someone else to pave the way and just do it myself.

You "look" pretty gay today as well :P

Right back at'cha ;)

*hugs*

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

Oh, good essay. (Followed your link from rm's comments.)

I'm still sad that so many people I served with in the military were unable to come out publicly at the time (some did come out to me and other friends, some did now, long after they left).

*hugs*

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

The IDF doesn't have a ban on gays in the military, gays can get very high in the ranks, but it's still, I believe, kind of awkward. I didn't go to any Pride Event during my service because soldiers aren't supposed to go to "political events" during their service (not in uniform which is understandable, but not in civvies either so that you can't photographed etc.).

*hugs*

[austengirl.livejournal.com]

I found this through your link on rm's post (http://rm.livejournal.com/1728441.html).

When I came out to friends at college, I didn't tell my parents for fear of the same reactions you mentioned above. My dad came to visit me at college (an all-female one in Massachusetts) and while he began to realize that there were many lesbians on campus, he actually started a conversation with the sentence "you know, what I don't understand is bisexuality". I started shaking inside and changed the subject, I wasn't ready to be the one who explained it to him then and there.

My sister and my aunt now know, but that's it for my immediate family. My mom and stepdad have always been reasonably tolerant, and my mom especially has become quite an ally at work, supporting a newly-created GLBT network at her company. I reckon I could tell them now, but as I've been married to my husband for four years, I'm still not sure I wouldn't get 'why are you telling me this now?'.

Anyway, enough rambling from me. I hope things become more open and free and that 'out' will not always be a provocation or a privilege, just a right.

May I add you as a friend?

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing.

And yes of course you can add me!

That's what LJ is for :D