[Hawaii Five-0] Fic: "Thousand Yard Stare"

Title: Thousand Yard Stare
Author: eumelia/eumelia
Pairing: Steve/Danny
Rating: PG/PG-13
Spoilers: n/a
Word Count: 369
Warnings: n/a
Disclaimer: This is a work of transformative fiction, no infringement is intended
Author's Notes: Basically, this could not have been done without verasteine who gave me a prompt, held my hand and beta’d this. Thank you.
Summary: He follows Steve’s gaze and watches the ocean crash loudly onto the shore.

( It's dusk when Danny finds Steve )

Angsting Over Visibility and Erasure

Language works against me.

I am different things in each vernacular.

There is a freedom in my bilingualism, but still both languages do not enable me to have the visibility I desire when it comes to my bisexuality.

It's easier to be gay (in Egnlish) or lesbian (in Hebrew), because those are clear cultural identifications.

There isn't much of a bisexual culture, not one I'm comfortable with at least.

Bisexual is not a word I like, beyond bad experiences with the word, unlike "gay", "lesbian" and "queer", to me it connotes a behaviour as opposed to an identity - possibly because of it's similarity to the overly medicalised "homosexual" (odd how "heterosexual" is not so medicalised, huh? Not odd, really).

But now, that I'm going to be speaking to teenagers about being LGBT, I need to make sure I have my letters in order and in Hebrew there is much less room to play around with the letters (In English I'm all the letters except the T, in Hebrew I can't be, because of the strict gender policing of the language).

I have to talk about being bisexual, as well as lesbian, because I am both, because despite the fact that I could be with a guy and probably be very happy, the assumptions of gender roles and gender dynamics within a different sex relationship is one that I feel utterly out of place in.

I am not one of those bisexual people who don't care about the gender of their partner. I do. A lot. It matters to me a great deal, it makes a difference to how I communicate and it makes a difference with regards to my needs and my desires.

But it's not just about who I have a relationship with, is it? It's about where I fit in, in the greater culture and I have always felt slightly out of place - wherever I was.

This is not a unique stand point. Is there anyone utterly comfortable where they are?

When it comes to sexuality and identifying with a sexual minority, because I am one and have felt the brunt of homophobia and biphobia, I don't think I can readily give up the moniker of lesbian - a woman who loves and desires other women. My bisexuality gives me the so-called flexibility to desire other genders as well, but I'm not flexible or fluid.

Language eludes me.

The words I know, and I know many, on this topic are not enough or they are not on the nose enough. They always leave something to be desired.

Maybe that's what being bisexual is about, in the end. Always running in circles that I'm gay, but not always, but I'm never straight, I was never straight, that has never been a part of my make-up.

Lesbian is also clear female sexuality, no questions, female centric and about female desires. That's also what I am.

Everything is so fucking vague. Or vaguely fucking (pardon my puns - it's a bisexual thing).