Not Anonymous

Well, not really, as I'm writing this on my trusty laptop Usuale *snuggles it, so that she may not forget that I love her!*, however, I have been transferring files onto OK and I'm glad to say that I have the Pilot and second episode (1.02 "'Ohana") episodes of Hawaii Five-0 sitting comfortably on it!

Once I had decided that I wanted a Tablet (and my parents were generous enough to buy one for me for my birthday, so it took a while, who cares ;) I knew I wanted a little one. One the size of a Kindle, and indeed, my little Tablet is a 7" Samsung Galaxy.

It's also wrapped in a custom made cover, which a close mate of mine bought for my birthday in anticipation to OK's coming to my possession.

All of which you can see ( Here! )

I know it seems a little, I dunno, gauche, to get all excited about a little piece of electronics, but OK is really going to make my life all that much more pleasant. My commute every morning and evening can be up to an hour and I take public transport on which I no longer sleep on for obvious reasons (sexual harassment/assault trigger warnings for the links). In addition I cannot read on the bus, because I get carsick, but having a few episodes of my favourite television show or any other television show of which I can watch an episode or more on my way to work.

So to have Officer Kalakaua in my hands is a great comfort.

So, uh, it's been a week again, the fic I posted yesterday not withstanding, since I posted.

I swear, I don't want to be this person who only bloggs on the weekends and the rest of the week is reduced to 140 characters and inane tumblr reblogging!

But I am that person, as well.

Somehow, I have to get my groove back.

Now though, I'm getting ready to go to my nephew's birthday party.

He's 11.

I don't even know how that's possible.

I still haven't gotten the hang of the fact that I am working full time.

All the time I once had for writing here, I now tweet, because I don't have access to DW/LJ at work.

However, because I now work in an office space, I actually have a funny anecdote to share!

As those of you who follow my twitter know, The Company is an Evil Corporation, but my Boss is a lovely person and we get along pretty well for people who only met a month and a half ago.

I work in metadata and content editing for online videos, I'm basically the drudge worker of the IT world. But it does make for very interesting conversation - because we're a team of six people and each of us works on different topics, we often ask each other for advice about how to tag a video.

Today a conversation went something like this:

Colleague: "Mel, what do you call auto-erotic asphyxiation when someone else does it you?"
Yours Truly: "Erotic asphyxiation"
Colleague: *frowning* "Are you sure?"
Yours Truly: "Yes, K, I'm sure."
Boss: "I don't even want to know how you know that"
Your Truly: *grin* "Better not ask then"

And that is some of the stuff we get up to in the office.

I'm very happy to tell you that the sexual harassment law hangs for all to see in the kitchen and that the uber-competent office manager is the ombudsman - that is, she's the one we go to should anyone feel therer is a need to report a case of inter-office sexual harassment.

I'm enjoying the job. Even if it sucks the life out of me!

Okay so life sucks, no arguments there.

Thank you, everyone, for your lovely comments and sympathies, they were a great help to me during my twelve hour crying jag. I thought I was cried out, but I find myself leaking every now and then.

Amidst the horribleness that was yesterday, I received a phone call.

As you know, I have had many a trial the past few months, what with health, death, plumbing and unemployment issues making me wonder if I was ever going to catch a motherfucking break.

About a month ago I had a job interview at a big company where a friend of mine works and he handed my resume over to his boss.

Yada, yada, yada.

I got the job. I'll be starting at the end of the month.

Yay.

So, yeah. I'm pleased about that, am kind of bummed that I got the call just as the decision to put Wish to sleep was being made so I really had to put a whole lot of false cheer in my voice for my now-new-boss.

I'm now counting the my left over free time as holiday and arrangement making time.

The cat is alive and pissed off.

Which is a good thing.

He spent the whole day hissing at the vets and breathing in oxygen in the oxygen tank.

He's now supposed to take an extra pill for appetite and keep taking steroids to keep his lungs open.

I dunno if I can keep this up on a regular basis.

It's just too much.

Also, I have some kind of flare up in my wrist and am rubbing stinky ointment into it and wearing a brace.

Life isn't easy, but it really could be worse, so I'll complain just a little bit.

I had one of the best days I've had in a very long time.

I spent the morning and afternoon with my BFF and a close mate (ACM). Ostensibly the morning was to run errands with out close mate, but really, it was just so much fun for me to spend time with my friends, who know what is going on in my life and with whom I don't have to censor myself.

All three of us went to the mall in order to shop for shoes and pants for ACM. Both BFF and ACM are fat and ACM always has problems finding pants that she really likes.

I think BFF and I were good luck charms because she found a pair of shoes that fit her and two pairs of pants that looked amazing and were comfortable for her.

I was the yak of this expedition, seeing as this shopping mission wasn't a gathering, but a hunt - we had an objective and we zero'd in on it - I schlepped the bags belonging to the fat lady and when I started complaining about being hungry, I was dubbed an honourary fatty just as went for lunch.

Which, you know, yay!

I love spending time with BFF and ACM. Well, BFF is who she is and she's one of those people who is just there for me, no matter what and I'm there for her - it's a mutual thing. And ACM is one of those freakishly clever and insightful people and I kind of melt when she's witty and commits word play - so carrying her bags was fun.

There's also a kind of "screw you" to the world when a thin girl carries the shopping bags of fat girls, you know? And I enjoy that feeling, so I was totally selfish.

I actually worried my BFF yesterday by not recognising the fact that I was hungry by my hunger pangs, but thinking they were an ache relating to some kind of stomach bug. Yes, I assume any and all stomach aches are actually not benign.

ACM said, "You think like a thin person, but we forgive you," when I related to above to her today.

Yes, well, nobody's perfect.

Wish is home!

Not only is he home, he bolted out of the carry cage, went to sit in his litter box, came out to munch on some of his kibble and when I stuffed his medicine in his wet food, he chomped it up!

OMG!

I'm so relieved!

Thank you to everyone who commented or otherwise communicated with me over the day.

It has been harrowing.

I really hope he doesn't have to see the vet again.

Just... wow...

Now I feel like I can actually eat a whole pizza! Lucky, my bff will be feeding me just that tonight.

Hello my lovelies.

Shall I regale you with my continuing saga of ordeals, making my unremarkable life a series of events one can only coin as "unfortunate".

I don't remember if I mentioned, but my parents have gone on holiday and I am house sitting for them, spending time like a single lady with a cat. I had procrastinated most of Sunday and Monday away, the most productive thing I had done was write a few words of fic, send out a few resumes and set up a job interview.

The job interview was set for today and there's not much to say about it. The interviewer wasn't impressed by me and so when I get the call back, the rejection shan't sting. Still, as my sister told me as she coached me, "have fun and gain experience". It was fun to dress up and look around a be utterly out of league when it came to this kind of place of employment - high end kitchen design halls just aren't for me I guess.

However, prior to the interview I lamented the fact that my good pants were in the wash and I had no decent shoes!

[Sexy!Roommate], bless her, works a hop and a skip away from my home town and she very generously brought me my good shoes from our flat up north.

I was out of the house for two hours or so.

When I returned, it was like a scene out of Titanic.

My red All-Stars were soaked as I stepped into a puddle of water and I literally gasped. I just, could not believe what I was seeing. I followed the water to my parents' bedroom.

My mother's Crocs were floating.

The pipe of the en-suite sink had burst and was spraying water everywhere.

Every-fucking-where.

I had to call my neighbours to help me turn on the mains for the water and I was holding it together by a thread. A thread.

By the time the plumber came I'd already cried to my parents over the phone - they tell me they are proud of me, that I handled things well. God, I hope I'm never in a real flood or other natural disaster, I would not do well, I tell you!

That said, I did my best to scoop the water - but the carpeting in their room was soaked, as was the carpeting of my childhood bedroom. It was pretty horrific.

There's something poignant and tragic about taking pictures of ruined pillows, boxes and pictures to send off to the insurance company.

And today, the plumber returned to repair and rip up the carpets - had this happened in July or August, we may had been tempted to air our the rooms and let the carpets dry, but in March it's still too chilly and damp.

The cat, of course, is utterly stressed out. He shat all over the place and I've mopped up the floor twice already. It doesn't help that he's old and has a cough. I'm taking him to the vet tomorrow for the first time in... many years. He's a very anxious and indoors-y creature, he doesn't do well with these things, if we're going to understate things.

It's funny, when I spoke to my mother she asked me if I had blogged about my exploits and I said, no, I hadn't. I wasn't sure whether this would read as hilarious anecdote or an over share of pity. I suppose it's a bit of both.

When speaking of all the above to my siblings I reiterated that I must be cursed. How does all this plumbing shit happen to one person, over and over again, in less than six months?

My eldest sister suggested I become a plumber - in my addled mind - that idea is beginning to sound pretty damn good. Don't think I haven't been looking at technical colleges!

I have another job interview lined up soon.

I march on. One soggy socked foot at a time.

A lot of the choices I've made, throughout my life and especially the last couple of years, have been due to the fact that I've had the privilege to make them.

I chose to study the Humanities on my parent's dime, because I was able to do so with little sacrifice on my side. I took my time, four years instead of three, because I was not able to handle a year in which a lot of shit happened - so I let my studies go and had to re-do a year.

I still feel guilty about that.

I had considered taking a year off between BA and going on to an MA, because, well, obviously I'll be doing an MA. This is the way the life of a privileged middle class girl goes, right? But first, I should probably get onto a career path of some kind. I enjoyed the Library, I loved being in the Library and I had various Librarian role models that made me think that being a Librarian was a good idea.

Well, the studies made me want to kill myself and the more I thought about where I wanted to go with my life, the notion of being on that path looked less and less like the thing I wanted to be.

So I decided to drop out.

I feel guilty about that too.

It's "another" thing I started and didn't finish. It's another "phase" that fizzled out because I got "bored". Never mind that the studies, depressed me to a degree to which I hadn't felt in a long while, probably not the subject matter itself (though really, my brain felt like it was leaking out of my skull while I was in class), but the frame of being in school, again.

I enjoy learning. But studying...

I feel guilty about the choosing to veer away from this plan, without a backup plan. I'm still unemployed, living off my savings at the moment, working on the side for my father so that I don't sink utterly. There's not a bit of shame involved in that, despite it being a concious choice I made.

And wouldn't you know, I feel guilty about that, as well.

The thing is, my parents were paying for these studies as well and I just couldn't have that any more.

I'm 26, and moved out and still, my parents were paying for my life.

You know, I'd much rather suck up the shame and ask them for help with the rent, than have them help me coast through life just so I can be put on a career path that was numbing me out.

I'm still numb, because I am overwhelmed by death, disease and the feelings of failure that will probably not leave me until I get a job, because I am nothing if not a loyal subject to the economic system.

But ever since I made the choice of leaving school, I've felt lighter and more at ease with the my guilt. I feel guilty for letting down my parents, not for making a choice they think is a mistake - because it's not a mistake for me. I feel guilty for not being financially secure at the moment, but I know that's a dynamic situation that can and will change and it's less to do with me personally and more to do with the structure of work force.
I feel guilty that everything is coming to a head at a time where there has been a death in the family and we are about to begin to revolve around a disease which we thought we wouldn't have to deal with again.

But nothing goes according to plan.

So really, why feel guilty?

For now, it's an outlet for me. Feeling all my feelings through the prism of guilt. It motivates me to try and not feel guilty. Feeling guilty informs me that I am being manipulated, in one way or another.

Feeling guilty reminds me that it could be worse. It reminds me of my privilege, I suppose.

Yesterday though, a song came on my shuffle that really helped me put it somewhat in perspective:


Hand In My Pocket - Alanis Morissette
( no one's really got it figured out just yet )

I'm back from the training seminar.

To say that it was interesting would be the biggest understatement of the 19th, 20th and what has been the 21st century.

To say that it was empowering would be too simple, because there were times where I felt utterly crushed and torn to pieces.

I'm still not sure what to say about it. I don't think I should. The intimacy of the group and the dynamic was... I'm literally speechless... I'm amazed as to what I learned about myself and other people.

I will say this and I said this during one of the feedbacks for the activities - it was one of the few times in my life that while mingling and getting to know people, I didn't have to guess, hint or assume who was gay, lesbian, bisexual or queer - we just were, all of us, and despite all of our stories being different - that golden thread of sexuality and the fact that we are all queer in different ways - the sense of solidarity that I felt with the other participants, our guides, the activity and work shop guides - we didn't have to come out, except to clarify what type of queer we all were and to have a place to speak the complexity of being a lesbian identified bisexual queer was probably one of the most liberating experiences of my life.

I feel very changed, I don't know how yet, because things need to sink in and I'm not sure how processing the past two and a half days will feel or what will happen now. Everything feels new and unsure and I'm very content with that feeling, whereas once I think it would have scared me.

It was fucking cold and it rained endlessly. We were very isolated and the safe space of an LGBT focused workshop was beyond all my expectations.

I can't believe I actually had the guts to do something like this.