Come Out and Stay Out!

[eumelia]

Ever since I asked you peeps to tell me what you'd like to read from me, one subject has taken over my brain and I've been trying to articulate it for days in my mind.

It's a personal subject that involves an ongoing history and self-perception. Some of that history makes several people in my life look bad and me look even worse. But that's how the cookie crumbles I suppose.

The story of how I came out as queer (first as bisexual, though that word seriously does not suit me, but it's the only one I've got) is an ongoing project.

It is something, I assume, will continue to happen for the rest of my life.

When I was 15 and came out to some family members I thought that would be the end of it. Then one family member told me to be quiet about it and not mention it ever again (well, not in those words, but that's how it felt at the time). You'd think my monthly excursions to the local "Rocky Horror Picture Show" would be a clue - hell, I played Magenta a couple of times on stage and memorably, the Red Door (yeah, I was playfully accosted by the Eddie at the time... it was hilarious).

In any event, ten years ago, I thought that if I came out that's it. I'm done. Everyone would know and I'd never have to talk about it ever again.

God, I was so naive. Beyond naive. Effing clueless.

As the years went by and I had more (public) boyfriends than (less than public) girlfriends because I had internalised the need to be quiet about the fact that the girls that came home with me to my room were viewed as "friends", while I was with boys there was need for supervision until I was considered more of an adult at the age of 19 and had my first "serious" boyfriend - that is the first guy I had penetrative sex with.
It was at that point that I felt I kind of lost control on my identity, because this guy who I had dated came into the relationship knowing I was bi (this was before I identified as queer) and I was kind of shocked.

"How did you know I was bi?" during one of our post-coital conversations... pillow talk has never been idle for me.
"[Our Mutual Friend] told me"
I was like O.O

You see, I had no idea she had told him this and when I asked her why she told him something that is, you know, my thing to tell she replied:
"Well, it's only fair that he know, don't you think?"
At the time I didn't respond and simply said "okay".

But I was pissed, even though I didn't articulate this. You see, she thought, because I out to her, that the knowledge was public and to be fair this is something I also thought.
Until suddenly the guy I hadn't told myself knew.
Knew something that is both an intimate knowledge about myself and a social stand point that informs me of how I perceive and am perceived by others.

I was also pissed because the way I was perceived was out of my control. I hadn't made the choice to inform this guy I was bi, someone took that choice away from me and man if that didn't irk, because one of the double edged blades of being queer in our society is that we are perceived as liars and provocateurs at the same time and any shred of ambiguity that we would like to have is a threat to those quaint little categories we are obsessed with.

At the time, I lived for that ambiguity because it was a safety net for me. Plausible deniability if I found myself in a bind. Now a days I am much less interested in being ambiguous and would rather not have to assert who I am and my stand point - which is considered more and more to be intimate knowledge, because of how far queers have come when it comes to formal rights and social justice.

Ten years after my initial coming out, I stumbled out of the closet times many times, and every time I when I had done it with deliberation and not by accident (as happened one memorable time when I outed myself) most people either didn't think much of it (*thumbs up*), other times there was a wrinkling of eye brows in which I read confusion as to why I was even "mentioning" my queerness, my gayness, my bisexuality... my, ahem, life.

I remember I came out when I, a friend and a couple of friends of her friends, went out to a movie and a I mentioned that I was a Lesbian and the friends of my friend were like "huh? Um, okay... good for you?".
Which made me think "why did I mention this? and why the specific choice of lesbian, rather than bi or queer?".
I mentioned my queerness, mainly because the conversation was extremely hetero-sexist and it was an opportunity to remind these people that not everyone in the conversation was straight or perceived sexuality as they did.
It certainly de-automatised the conversation and promptly ended it, because the downside of mentioning same-sex sexuality in women is that suddenly the guy (who happened to be dating one of the other girls I was with) looked at me with extreme interest and asked me who I'd like to fuck - mentioning Queen Latifah killed the conversation... you can guess why.

I didn't have to come out at that time. But, yes, I did. I did, because the assumption that I was one way when I am actually somebody they didn't even take into consideration - when queers in mixed company (meaning, any where that isn't a specific queer location) have to do, all the time, every time.

When I was dating [Southern!Girl] my first serious girlfriend, I was told not to introduce her at family affairs as my girlfriend and to "come out" at my own time.

When [Southern!Girl] is mentioned she spoken about as my "friend" rather than as my Ex.

It's a silencing mechanism and one that I find tiresome to fight, because I'd have to do it all the time and it would just cause much more discomfort in a home that is more or less harmonious in that idiosyncratic family drama sit-com way, my family has managed to arrange ourselves around.

I cannot "come out" at my own time. Because it is a continuous process over which I have only partial control. Sexual identity is something that can be "hidden" up to a point, because sexuality is part of our regular interaction with people in general, every time we talk about what we did on that date and who we identify with in a book, a television show, on a News update.

I come out continuously every time I meet a new person and at times ambiguously, because being a provocateur isn't something I want to endure all the time.

This ended up way more convoluted than I intended. Hopefully it made sense to you all. Questions and requests for clarification are welcome!

Comments

[moonbathe_skin]

My parents were so uptight about me not going out with Jewish people that they never even began to question my sexuality!!

I think that once you step outside the binary labels get confusing, but more about that on my blog, hopefully!

I do need to do a similar post, but I'll have to think about it and write a draft, and often I don't complete draft posts!!!

[scribbled_lore]

I find that I have to keep reminding my family and in-laws that not everyone is straight especially when it comes to my son; the "He'll be a lady killer someday!" comments are really frustrating and more than a little insulting to me and I feel like I'm always on the look out for those kind of comments. In regards to my friends it's either one of those fun, weird facts about a friend, a sad fact about my state of existence, or something we don't talk about around their families. My mother gives me the silent, cold shoulder when I mention anything regarding liking the same gender or tells me to "knock it off and grow up, no one cares." In fact when I came out to her as a scared junior in high school facing some moderately severe bullying and threats her response was, "So? Who cares?" We've carefully not discussed the women I've been interested in or had short relationships with.

Now that I've typed this all up I'm not even sure it relates to the original post in a sensible manner. :(

[ironed_orchid]

It makes a lot of sense.

Especially the bits about being asked to keep it quiet and then feeling ambushed when other people outed you... that would be very unsettling.

[silveradept]

It is an odd and problematic thing to be in a society where you get pushed to be quiet about your own sexuality, while also seeking every bit of gossip possible about yours and everyone else's sexuality, so as to pass their own judgment on whether you're supposed to be treated as a normal person or as some sort of ostracized freak.

Because of that, your story makes great sense - about being out, not being out, being told to stay closeted and being outed by other people.

[eumelia]

Well, not much trouble with that where I am. If I were to date someone not Jewish it would have to be an effort!

[eumelia]

I know exactly what you mean.

When I was 15 and came out to my mom (the first time) she said I should try the hetero route and not mention the other "options".

Mothers, god love 'em, can be really obnoxious at times!

[eumelia]

It always is. I mean, by now, most of my extended social circle are either queer or peripheral to the QUILTBAG community. Still, it is weird to be "known" without letting others know, though liberating at the same time.

Still an ambiguous position to inhabit.

[eumelia]

Thank you.

Your comment struck a cord in me that I'm not quite sure how to articulate, but I liked it :)

[moonbathe_skin]

I would like to have had a Jewish partner, there are very few alternative Jewish people here.