"We're Queer! But are we here?" V 0.2

[eumelia]

There is suddenly a trend of bi-phobia going on in many of the communities I'm a member of.

Indeed there is a problem of visibility when one is Bi, since western culture is so effing obsessed with duality and binary thought.
If you are a woman and are desiring a woman (in abstract) you are homosexual.
If you are a woman and are desiring a man (in abstract) you are heterosexual.
And of course, if you're a woman who desires women and you are currently involved with a man, you are what?

According to our enlightened culture, I am, as a Bisexual (for instance): 1) confused, 2) "just curious", 3) a slut and 4) giving a bad name to the queer community.
Those are the 4 most common epithets given to Bisexuals from both ends; the Hetero-normative and the binary gay and Lesbian society*
(*I'm making sweeping general statements for arguments sake.)
And these thoughts are internalized by everyone including bisexuals who are just being who they are.

I first came out at 15 to my mother (which looking back was a mistake, since why should parents, especially parents who have gone through the whole Teen thing, take their 15 years old daughter seriously) I remember she said; "why don't you try being hetero first", and while I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt me by saying this. After all, all she wanted was for me to be happy and by adhering to hetero-normative behaviour I would be happy.
That was not the case.
I kept silent for five years.
Five years of feeling invisible to my family, of being afraid to even contemplate dating a girl, and settling for boys who I dated because that's what a girl does in her teens does.
But I never went back to being straight.

I was always Bi.
It's only during the army that I became queer.
Make sense?
No?
Well, in the army you find a niche, a clique I lacked in high school (since there was self consciousness, self loathing and other lovely things teenagers go through) and became friends with a bunch of queers (Yo "Gang"! I love you!), so I decided to be visible (not in the army, didn't need the heat), but I decided to come out again, since 19 is more stable than 15!
My father was very blase about the whole thing is a kind of "I'm your father I don't want to know things about your sex life!" which was a nice normal reaction I suppose.
And my mother asked me "Why do you insist on advertising your sexuality!?"
Because if I don't how will people know? And besides it's not like I walk up to people I just met and introduce myself as "Melody the Bisexual" and then go and ask them their sexual orientation
"Why must people know?"
Because people assume upon meeting anyone that they are like them. Meaning, if I went to a private gathering of people both old and new, the new (having never met me before) will assume that by my appearance (shaved head and all), that I am a straight woman.
Why?
Because that's what "normal, heterosexual" people do.
They assume that everyone is the way they are.
This is not always the case and it is hetero-normative brain washing that is causing the pain and confusion in many people with non binary sexualities - I don't even want to get into gender issues, because despite the fact that I was born a grrl in a female body, that doesn't mean every one was. It also doesn't mean that because I'm a girl (Grrl) I want to do what is traditionally expected of me.
I do not want to have children.
I do not wan to get married by the time I am thirty.
I do not believe in watching what I eat in order to lose weight (though I am currently struggling with my body image)
I believe make up is not necessary to accentuate your features.
I do not believe high heals are necessary in order to look sexy.
I think men in women's clothing is hot
I think women in men's clothing is hot.
I think women and men are hot in general.
I want to change the world.
I am a die hard sarcastic, cynical bitch.
You wanna contradict me!?
I want to be controversial.
I want to be a role-model to my nephews and niece (all of them have kick-ass Mothers, my very Feminist Big Sisters).

My stream of consciouses seems to be sliding away from the subject matter which is bi-phobia.
In essence bi-phobia is a symptom of a society unwilling to break away from it's own subjective norms and agendas.
There is no Black and White. Good and Evil - certainly good and evil actions, but the abstract concepts of Good and Evil do not work in our ambivalent, far from perfect world.

Yes we're Bi.
Yes we're Queer.
But are necessarily here?

What I'm trying to say is that we, those in between, those who are not the "Default" on either side of the spectrum, but rather are a part of the spectrum, must shrug off these self imposed criteria which only cause suffering and confusion.


I hope this wasn't too random and illogical.

Comments

[lifeofresearch.livejournal.com]

As a parent and as a person who has a doctorate in educational psychology for adolescents, you make perfect sense. The world is not black or white. Sexual orientation is not exclusively heterosexual or homosexual. I have been talking to friends in the queer community for over 27 years and have heard many stories. The worst thing you could do is pretend to be something you are not. While I am not attracted to men I prefer women who are androgynous looking. Does that make me different or queer? I could care less. I am attracted to the intellect of a person and their ability to connect with my personality. According to Robert J. Havighurst, who was an educational sociologist, some teens have bisexual diffusion. Therefore your mother gave you good advice. Now you have moved on beyond your teen years and by having adult experiences you will find what you like. You are a beautiful person in my opinion and it makes no difference to me who you are attracted to sexually.

[ex-yellowsna67.livejournal.com]

you say this stuff so much better than I could. I struggle with the bisexual thing too. even though I'm bi myself and therefore in this group, I still see bisexuals (men and women) through the clouded, homophobia lenses that have been stuck on me throughout my years. bisexuals are gross. promiscuous. confused. greedy. and in some ways maybe that's why I insist so hard that I'm "not like THOSE bisexual women." the ones who are married to men but fool around with women in their free time. I have to shout that I'm completely monogamous, completely in love with just one person, and completely serious about the whole thing. and coming to terms with being in love with a woman hasn't been easy, either...yes, I really am queer.

[ex-yellowsna67.livejournal.com]

what I meant to say was that even though I'm bi, I still feel like I'm an outsider, believing all those horrible things about bisexuals. internalizing homophobia and biphobia. believing these things about myself.

it's hard, because I really don't know any other bisexuals, aside from Sarah and ...my other friend who will continue to deny his attraction to men as long as he lives, I think.

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

it's hard, because I really don't know any other bisexuals, aside from Sarah and ...my other friend who will continue to deny his attraction to men as long as he lives, I think.

*hugs*

Now I feel so blessed. Us "Gang" as Mel refers to it, nearly the entire bunch are bi. The occasional straight and gay people are the ones being poked fun at. (In a lighthearts, not really offensive way... but we're sure enjoying being a majority.)

[nurint.livejournal.com]

Yeah yeah, make fun of the big dyke, eh? C'mon, it's not my fault! I was born that way! :P
I wonder who has a wider scope of datable persons? Orientation wise, as a gay woman, about 5% of the population is of the right orientation and gender for them to be an option for me. While for or you, as a bisexual woman - the percentage is somewhere over the 50%. On the other hand - the biphobia effect might dwindle your percentage quite a bit (even though some guys might consider it a benefit to date a bisexual girl - those guys are usually the type you wouldn't want to date). Got any evaluations?

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

I love you, you big dyke!

[ex-yellowsna67.livejournal.com]

thanks. it's not as though I couldn't try to find bisexuals, it's just that it seems a crappy basis for friendship. "oh, you're bi? cool, I need some bi friends. let's be friends based on that!"

[angeleyes1701.livejournal.com]

My summery of bisexuality is this:
I fall in love with people, not their reproductive organs. I am attracted to personality, and couldn't give an ass' rat about what they have between their legs.

And I don't care how socially acceptable or unacceptable that is. I am equally attacted to men and women. The fact I currently choose to share my life with a man is not because of his gender (which is still somewhat in question) but because he's an amazing fascinating person.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

*calpcalpclap*

[wizardelfgirl.livejournal.com]

"if you're a woman who desires women and you are currently involved with a man, you are what?"

Considering your options, maybe?

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

LOL

[angeleyes1701.livejournal.com]

On your way out?

Don't give an f about the gender of the person you're with?

Shy?

Used to it?

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

If they're the kind of people who would be scared off by a bi, then they're not dating material. Gender irrelevant.

Yes, I know you were kidding!

[nurint.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I love you too, you big bi! :)

[nurint.livejournal.com]

No - that's exactly my point - even though technically (that is - gender and orientation wise) bisexual women have more than 10 times the size of the "dating pool" of gay women, the biphobia effect makes the actual bisexual pool size significantly smaller (and perhaps the bi-philia effect as well). I was just wondering if taking this into consideration leaves the bisexual women with less dating options than lesbians have?

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

*giggle* Yeah, it won't exectly work that way. Again, I got lucky - it was more, get along with someone, then find out they're bi.

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

Considering that we're starting with a full סדר גודל of difference, I doubt that the whole phobia/philia effects would count to the same magnitude. (Oh, 'order of magnitude', right, that's how one says סדר גודל).

Typos...

[(Anonymous)]

I coulnd't help but notice...

" do not WAN to get married by the time I am thirty"
"high HEALS" - is that when you're injured on your upper body? ;)

Honesty, kitty - use a spell check... :)

oh,
guess who this is...

Re: Typos...

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

I have no clue!

And I do use a spell checker, can't help but miss a few.
Who is this!?

Re: Typos...

[(Anonymous)]

Whom do you think?

:)

Re: Typos...

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Shira?
Robbie?
Or
Shimrit?

Re: Typos...

[(Anonymous)]

Getting warm...

Re: Typos...

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

LOL

Shimrit?

Re: Typos...

[(Anonymous)]

Brrrrrrr...

Re: Typos...

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Shira!

Re: Typos...

[(Anonymous)]

Aaaa-tchoooo!

Re: Typos...

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Oh, Robbie!

My whole essay abour social misconduct and you nitpick on typos!

Re: Typos...

[hemlock-sholes.livejournal.com]

The best kind of typos are the inconsequential ones ;)

Actually, the best kind are those which change the meaning of your message without you noticing till it's too late... but you didn't make that kind ;)

Anyway, I created this user so I could start commenting without needing you to vet. my comments :)

Re: Typos...

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Haha, cute user name, very you.
Will you be venting as well or are you just spying on me ;P

Fighting words

[hemlock-sholes.livejournal.com]

"hetero-normative brain washing", "society unwilling to break away from it's own subjective norms and agendas"

Them are fighting words! :)

Why is it brain washing to claim the heterosexuality is the norm? Is it not the norm? I doubt that over 50% of the population considers itself GLBT...

Why SHOULD society be willing to break away from it's own subjective norms?

I'm arguing for the sake of arguing of course.. or am I? ;)

Re: Typos...

[hemlock-sholes.livejournal.com]

Venting?

Young lady, I'll have you know that I am no porpise or dolphin... I do not vent :)

Howver, I often have an opinion, which from this day hence, which I may, or may not, share with you and the more astute of your friends...

If you're lucky that is...

Now... would you be luckier if I was to "expel water" or if I did not?

:)

Re: Fighting words

[hemlock-sholes.livejournal.com]

BTW - how the @#$# does one go about editing one's own comments?

Everyone... please replace the first occurence of the word "the" in the previous post with the word "that"

:)

Re: Fighting words

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

You can't unfortunately... all you can so is reply to yourself as you did, or delete and comment again.

Did you get the icons?

Re: Fighting words

[hemlock-sholes.livejournal.com]

Grumph...

Yes I did thanks :)

Re: Fighting words

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Do you like them?
Will you use them?
You should use iSqueak as your default :) Don't forget to write who made it.

Re: Fighting words

[hemlock-sholes.livejournal.com]

I like 'em...

First I've got to find out HOW to use them :)

But thats for another time, I'm going to go to sleep now.

BTW - Have you heard of the movie "Small Fish"?
It's with Kate Blanchett, Sam Neil and Elrond.
Not very good IMO... about an ex-druggie woman (Guess which of the thrre I've mentioned plays her) who's past won't let her restart her life properly.
Begins well... slows down... slows some more... takes a nap... a few gunshots... The End...

Good night
(I'm not going to respond for quite a few hours to whatever answer you send... so don't hold your breath:) )

[that-redhead.livejournal.com]

Yanno, I must give you props for being open to your parents. That is a very difficult thing to do, especially at the age that you did it at (coming out to them). I wish I was as honest with my parents as you are with yours.

With that said, I believe society has this need to make labels for people/situations. This is especially true in American culture. With these labels comes stereotypes, and if you don't fit in the stereotype, it's assumed that there's something wrong with you. The truth of the matter is, is that everyone is an exception to every stereotype and label. No one fits perfectly in one box or another. That's the way it should be too. That's what makes us human, and not robots. We have wants, desires, and feelings that differ from one another, no matter where on the spectrum we are. I think the most important thing you can do, and have done, is realised that you don't belong in a box. Once you are honest with yourself, you can finally start living and gain better acceptance of yourself.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

And I agree. One of the things society in general must realize is that people do not and cannot be placed with little tags on specific shelves, but right now that's how people (in every group, whatever group that maybe) are viewed.