Days and days and even more days

Today seems to have caught up with me.
It wasn't so awful at the Army, but after coming home, resting a little, eating supper and talking with Mummy and Daddy I suddenly felt incredibly sad.
More than sad, very, very unhappy.
I didn't mention this last week, on the terrible Wednesday, where I broke down and wrote that very long post after.
I saw a man blow up.
I saw a person die.
I think it affected a whole lot more than I'm showing because I keep thinking about it, and every time there's mention of people being killed I think back to that Hezbollah man I saw die.
I'm glad he's dead.
And I feel sick because of that.

I spoke to morin about it yesterday, because she really helps put things in perspective for me, and she's always willing to listen, so I felt safe with speaking to her, because Mummy and Daddy, while they held me while I went hysterical from the initial shock, are not that compatible with me being a little more humanistic than patriotic and Zionist.
See I have this problem of seeing people as people... it's very difficult for me to banter with my fellow soldiers about the "stinking Arabs".

I don't know how to make myself feel better.
I don't want to be happy about dead people.

Today the barrage of rockets that landed in Israel from Lebanon killed eight civilians and two more soldiers were killed in battle.
I just want to live, I want those people to live as well, but they won't.
I want the three kidnapped soldiers to be back and happy with their families.
I want the Lebanese to be how they were; free, happy and independent, because that is their right... it is not a privilege.