eumelia: (jewish revenge)
A lot of the choices I've made, throughout my life and especially the last couple of years, have been due to the fact that I've had the privilege to make them.

I chose to study the Humanities on my parent's dime, because I was able to do so with little sacrifice on my side. I took my time, four years instead of three, because I was not able to handle a year in which a lot of shit happened - so I let my studies go and had to re-do a year.

I still feel guilty about that.

I had considered taking a year off between BA and going on to an MA, because, well, obviously I'll be doing an MA. This is the way the life of a privileged middle class girl goes, right? But first, I should probably get onto a career path of some kind. I enjoyed the Library, I loved being in the Library and I had various Librarian role models that made me think that being a Librarian was a good idea.

Well, the studies made me want to kill myself and the more I thought about where I wanted to go with my life, the notion of being on that path looked less and less like the thing I wanted to be.

So I decided to drop out.

I feel guilty about that too.

It's "another" thing I started and didn't finish. It's another "phase" that fizzled out because I got "bored". Never mind that the studies, depressed me to a degree to which I hadn't felt in a long while, probably not the subject matter itself (though really, my brain felt like it was leaking out of my skull while I was in class), but the frame of being in school, again.

I enjoy learning. But studying...

I feel guilty about the choosing to veer away from this plan, without a backup plan. I'm still unemployed, living off my savings at the moment, working on the side for my father so that I don't sink utterly. There's not a bit of shame involved in that, despite it being a concious choice I made.

And wouldn't you know, I feel guilty about that, as well.

The thing is, my parents were paying for these studies as well and I just couldn't have that any more.

I'm 26, and moved out and still, my parents were paying for my life.

You know, I'd much rather suck up the shame and ask them for help with the rent, than have them help me coast through life just so I can be put on a career path that was numbing me out.

I'm still numb, because I am overwhelmed by death, disease and the feelings of failure that will probably not leave me until I get a job, because I am nothing if not a loyal subject to the economic system.

But ever since I made the choice of leaving school, I've felt lighter and more at ease with the my guilt. I feel guilty for letting down my parents, not for making a choice they think is a mistake - because it's not a mistake for me. I feel guilty for not being financially secure at the moment, but I know that's a dynamic situation that can and will change and it's less to do with me personally and more to do with the structure of work force.
I feel guilty that everything is coming to a head at a time where there has been a death in the family and we are about to begin to revolve around a disease which we thought we wouldn't have to deal with again.

But nothing goes according to plan.

So really, why feel guilty?

For now, it's an outlet for me. Feeling all my feelings through the prism of guilt. It motivates me to try and not feel guilty. Feeling guilty informs me that I am being manipulated, in one way or another.

Feeling guilty reminds me that it could be worse. It reminds me of my privilege, I suppose.

Yesterday though, a song came on my shuffle that really helped me put it somewhat in perspective:


Hand In My Pocket - Alanis Morissette
no one's really got it figured out just yet )

R 'n' R

Nov. 1st, 2011 08:52 pm
eumelia: (not in rome)
I am about to commence my slip and slide into a vegetative state.

It has been a long few weeks, weekend and three days.

I wrote a things on Sunday to post once I had my own internet (which I now do, on my name and everything!) and didn't have time to write yesterday as Mondays are now my hellish days.

So, here's what I wrote on Sunday, enjoy the freak oute!

Sunday 30.10.11

I wrote this Sunday night, while I was clinging to the single bar on free internet and [Sexy!Roommate] wrote her Seminar.

It just so happened that her room is the only place that had actual internet access from a thoughtful/careless neighbor – she’s been wonderful in letting me sit in her room, we are supposed to get hooked up on Tuesday (God is Great and פעמיים כי טוב, pa’amaim ki tov, it is good twice over), so I’m cautiously optimistic.

Let me tell you about the move itself.

There were misshaps and missteps that were more about [Sexy!Roommate] than me, so I shan’t get into them, but suffice to say we were both exsausted by the end of the day. Also, as she has lived in her own places before now, she brought basically everything she owns.

It took us a couple of hours to arrange the furniture the way we like. During this time the hot water timer was on.

My brother helped schlep my desk and bookshelf earlier that day and he had a cold shower afterwards. We weren’t sure if our water heater was solar as well as electrical. Seeing as it had been a sunny day and he only had cold water I assumed the water had simply not been heated for a while.

So yeah, we switched on the water heater.

Wouldn’t you know, I nearly gave myself frost bite.

I was not going to bed sweaty, dusty and stinky after moving my life from here to there, so I gritted my teeth and shrieked as I washed my (thankfully short) hair in icy water.

We had made a list over the evening of things we needed to do today (when I say “we”, I mean me, because she’s got a job that makes her work long hours and I am currently unemployed so I have the time to waste) and I very angrily and underlined “Electrician” several times.

I informed our $#%&$#@ landlady of our troubles. I’m reluctant to actually lay out everything that is horrible about this woman, but for those of you I have spoken to on different avenues – everything I said? She’s worse!

So, I called a guy, forked over way too much money for what was probably the simplest problem on earth and I indeed had a hot shower this evening.

It was the best shower ever.

We also don’t have gas for the stove, the toaster oven’s nob is stuck on the highest heat, we don’t have enough electrical sockets and when I said our furniture was “arranged”? I meant in disarray.

I understand that this is SN(AFU).

As I said, [Sexy!Roommate] has basically moved her life here and I have not.

I am planning to trickle my stuff as I visit my parents. This will enable me to sift through my many books and DVD’s and decide which ones should come with me for keeps and which ones can stay behind and keep my old room homey – it’s going to be a long while. At the moment I’ve got three Gerrald Durrel (yeah, I’m on a kick) books with me. Seeing as [Sexy!Roommate] is a Buffy Fan as well, I think I’ll bring all my Aca!Buffy books along.

I didn’t take into account how quickly the weather will change. As such I have no winter clothing with me and will be borrowing shirts from [Sexy!Roommate] as we are the same shirt size.

It’s lucky I’m heading down to my parents on Wednesday and will be able to take up more stuff.

One thing I’m definitely missing is a bedside table and bookshelf of my own in my room. I feel oddly as sea without being able to read beside me and switch on a lamp, grab my phone or my watch, or have a place on which to place my flash drives and jewelry.

Today was also bureaucracy day. I have discovered that a big part of the bureaucratic method is trying to discover where it actually happens. As I mentioned on Twitter, “Kafka was right”. I certainly felt as though I was wondering aimlessly through corridors trying to find where I was supposed to put my brain for safe keeping.

I did, ho wever, discover where many of the things happen and what forms I should bring next time in order to get my forms signed and registered.

Go me! \o/

So while many things this week are bust because, like many bureaucratic offices, they are only open at certain hours on certain days, I will probably only be able to get what I wanted done today next Sunday. This is much less stressing than I initially thought it would be, because I now know where to go and who to call!

The little things that please me as a(n ir)responsible adult.

If all is good (twice over on a Tuesday), this will be posted along with other belated posts some time on Tuesday evening – though I may be busy with fandom, because damn I miss it now that it feels so far away due to sketchy internet!

As I write this, I am heating up some pita in the toaster oven for my sandwiches tomorrow (Monday), because, oh my word, it is going to be the first day of school!

I finished writing this post at five to eleven pm.
eumelia: (Default)
And I have sketchy internet!

I already have anecdotes of mishaps.

Once I am not piggy backing off a neighbour I will share.

Thanks to all who commented, messaged and/or emailed!

Tomorrow is my first day of school.

I hope to have details of everything at a later date.
eumelia: (flags)
Never have those song lyrics been more appropriate. Only those lyrics, mind, as I'm not leaving a sweetheart behind and I'll most likely be coming back to my parents' house later this week, but man...

I'm moving out.

I have pots and pans.

A lamp.

A huge backpack full of clothes.

A desk.

A bookshelf.

Food that my mother foisted onto me and [Sexy!Roommate]

A bunch of stuff I already took up to my apartment.

My apartment. A place of my own. With a friend.

I'm overwhelmed, because there is still so much to do; register with the municipality, get my student card, my student bus card, a job.

One of my friends said I'd have a hard time finding a job in the city I'm moving to and I wanted to hit him, because who the fuck says something like that (but knowing him, I guess I shouldn't be surprised) - I am prepared to work a job that will suck if it pays the bills and gives me time to study (two days a week, this is an MLS) and do whatever I want.

But yeah, that's where I'm going.

This is what I'm doing.

I've been veering between excited, apprehensive, crying jags and simple rage because I've never done this before.

But I'm ready to go.

Like yesterday, today the first day of the rest of my life.

I'll most likely be without internet the first few days so I won't be around until I'm properly hooked up or find some public wi fi.

See you on the flip side.
eumelia: (vocation)
In about an hour I'll be registering for classes.

I wish the on-line registration made any kind of sense!

Argh!

On the one hand, there aren't that many classes to chose from, because it's a set MLS, which makes the choice (there being none) easier.

On the other hand, it makes picking the electives (of which I have one this year, a language) very taxing, because I would like to get a job once I move to my University town and having a language in the middle of the effing day twice a week is just not on.

I would like to make the politically right choices when it comes to picking a language. I think Arabic would be the best one, so that I can actually communicate with 20% of this country, but they won't tell me when the courses are!
My other choice would be Yiddish, because there's no language like an endangered language! But it coincidences with a Library class.

Add to that the stress of yesterday, I am not really a happy camper. I am in fact in frustration nation!

*sigh*
eumelia: (vocation)
I got a call from the administrative office of library science department at my new Uni.

Registration for classes is in two weeks.

Oh my god.

You guys!

I need to pick classes that will make me a Librarian!

Okay, I just made my heart beat faster and my stomach flip around. This didn't happen when I spoke to the admin herself!

Crikey! I'm going to school!

Again!

Excuse me while I flail and update my Internet Eeechsplorer, because the website doesn't do open effing source (madness, I say).

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eumelia: (Default)
Eumelia

June 2015

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V and Justice

V: Ah, I was forgetting that we are not properly introduced. I do not have a name. You can call me V. Madam Justice...this is V. V... this is Madam Justice. hello, Madam Justice.

Justice: Good evening, V.

V: There. Now we know each other. Actually, I've been a fan of yours for quite some time. Oh, I know what you're thinking...

Justice: The poor boy has a crush on me...an adolescent fatuation.

V: I beg your pardon, Madam. It isn't like that at all. I've long admired you...albeit only from a distance. I used to stare at you from the streets below when I was a child. I'd say to my father, "Who is that lady?" And he'd say "That's Madam Justice." And I'd say "Isn't she pretty."

V: Please don't think it was merely physical. I know you're not that sort of girl. No, I loved you as a person. As an ideal.

Justice: What? V! For shame! You have betrayed me for some harlot, some vain and pouting hussy with painted lips and a knowing smile!

V: I, Madam? I beg to differ! It was your infidelity that drove me to her arms!

V: Ah-ha! That surprised you, didn't it? You thought I didn't know about your little fling. But I do. I know everything! Frankly, I wasn't surprised when I found out. You always did have an eye for a man in uniform.

Justice: Uniform? Why I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. It was always you, V. You were the only one...

V: Liar! Slut! Whore! Deny that you let him have his way with you, him with his armbands and jackboots!

V: Well? Cat got your tongue? I though as much.

V: Very well. So you stand revealed at last. you are no longer my justice. You are his justice now. You have bedded another.

Justice: Sob! Choke! Wh-who is she, V? What is her name?

V: Her name is Anarchy. And she has taught me more as a mistress than you ever did! She has taught me that justice is meaningless without freedom. She is honest. She makes no promises and breaks none. Unlike you, Jezebel. I used to wonder why you could never look me in the eye. Now I know. So good bye, dear lady. I would be saddened by our parting even now, save that you are no longer the woman I once loved.

*KABOOM!*

-"V for Vendetta"

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