Hey,

I put a cut on my recent posts due to receiving totally correct PM's from other phobics who don't want to read about my exploits.

I'm so sorry my posts caused undo distress due to my thoughtlessness.

From now on any posts (and I don't think there will be, hopefully) that deal with my phobia will be cut.

Please do not feel shy to contact me about posts that you may find upsetting or triggering, I do not want what I write to be the cause of any distress that can be avoided or at the very least controlled - I know, I read/watch things that might trigger me, but I psych myself up before hand.

All my love.

Good afternoon.

I've been avoiding my DW and LJ.

The reasons for doing this evade me, but I realised that this is what I'd been doing.

Due to that behaviour I'd actually been neglecting some of my dearest and oldest friends from my own online life.

It's a terrible feeling, realising this sort of thing.

Work has been eating my life and sometimes the very quick and instant gratification of spaces like twitter and tumblr have been more convenient. But I miss you guys and I know it's up to me to rekindle the love for DW and LJ and to make them welcoming again.

I look forward to doing just that, and I figure the 1st of March is a good time to (re)begin again.

Can't wait to get to do all this again.

I've been so involved in the instant gratification that is Twitter and Tumblr that I've totally neglected these spaces again.

I feel horrible, because I know many of you are here exclusively and I've totally been ignoring what's been happening here.

I'm so sorry guys, especially after you've been here for me so long.

My distraction is no excuse and I hope you all can forgive me for not noticing something big that happened in your lives.

I love you all, my babes!

First of all, to everyone who commented, sent me emails, pm's, etc. Thank you.

Thank you.

You are all wonderful and I'm so lucky to have you in my life one way or another.

As you may have heard there is a ceasefire. I'm still extremely nervous as I do not think it will last long, nor do I consider my nation's memory strong or long enough to remind ourselves that our current government brought rockets to the centre of the country and brought bus bombs back from the past.

The occupation, of course, remains and will not be moved at this time, no matter how much violence and damage it puts us through (Israeli and Palestinian).

Despite the ceasefire I didn't go to the office today, but rather spent my entire day working from home. I finished working but moments ago, technically still the 22nd of November, so my work didn't slide into the weekend. Whew.

I didn't go because I was anxious and because there was traffic that would have kept me and my co-workers who live in the same city stuck on the highways into Tel-Aviv for about 2 and a half hours.

Oy.

So I worked and faffed from home.

I'm rather pleased, but for a totally different reason. The reason being I'm going away for the weekend with friends! We'd planned this long weekend (took a day off and everything) over a month ago and god, I need this. I need this weekend like burning, I just need to clear my head, get away and regroup.

My hypervigilance was way out of whack this week. I have other thoughts about that, but that's for another day, I feel.

Right now I need to unwind from my long, long day of work and prepare for my long weekend ahead, which will be full of friends, puppies and rain!

Plus my laptop, there shall be some writing done!

I still haven't gotten the hang of the fact that I am working full time.

All the time I once had for writing here, I now tweet, because I don't have access to DW/LJ at work.

However, because I now work in an office space, I actually have a funny anecdote to share!

As those of you who follow my twitter know, The Company is an Evil Corporation, but my Boss is a lovely person and we get along pretty well for people who only met a month and a half ago.

I work in metadata and content editing for online videos, I'm basically the drudge worker of the IT world. But it does make for very interesting conversation - because we're a team of six people and each of us works on different topics, we often ask each other for advice about how to tag a video.

Today a conversation went something like this:

Colleague: "Mel, what do you call auto-erotic asphyxiation when someone else does it you?"
Yours Truly: "Erotic asphyxiation"
Colleague: *frowning* "Are you sure?"
Yours Truly: "Yes, K, I'm sure."
Boss: "I don't even want to know how you know that"
Your Truly: *grin* "Better not ask then"

And that is some of the stuff we get up to in the office.

I'm very happy to tell you that the sexual harassment law hangs for all to see in the kitchen and that the uber-competent office manager is the ombudsman - that is, she's the one we go to should anyone feel therer is a need to report a case of inter-office sexual harassment.

I'm enjoying the job. Even if it sucks the life out of me!

Okay, so I now have friends on Pottermore.com, but I only know who two of you are (though I suspect I know the third ;))

So, peeps! As you should know I am SandCastle10906, but I would love to know who you are.

I'm screening comments here, so please, leave your user name in a comment so that I can friend you and give you an appropriate nickname :)

So far I've friended everyone who has sent me a request, because I suspect I know you all from here, but still, let me know who you are!

Thank you.

So, hey, it suddenly feels like I'm on ALL the social networks, but I also feel like I'm missing out on talking to you peeps there!

I figured why not make a list of where you can find me!

eumelia on Livejournal.
eumelia on Dreamwidth.
the_eumelia on Twitter.
eumelia on Pinboard.
Eumelia on AO3.
stillnotanonymous on Tumblr because "eumelia" wasn't available.

Let me know where you are! :D

I had one of the best days I've had in a very long time.

I spent the morning and afternoon with my BFF and a close mate (ACM). Ostensibly the morning was to run errands with out close mate, but really, it was just so much fun for me to spend time with my friends, who know what is going on in my life and with whom I don't have to censor myself.

All three of us went to the mall in order to shop for shoes and pants for ACM. Both BFF and ACM are fat and ACM always has problems finding pants that she really likes.

I think BFF and I were good luck charms because she found a pair of shoes that fit her and two pairs of pants that looked amazing and were comfortable for her.

I was the yak of this expedition, seeing as this shopping mission wasn't a gathering, but a hunt - we had an objective and we zero'd in on it - I schlepped the bags belonging to the fat lady and when I started complaining about being hungry, I was dubbed an honourary fatty just as went for lunch.

Which, you know, yay!

I love spending time with BFF and ACM. Well, BFF is who she is and she's one of those people who is just there for me, no matter what and I'm there for her - it's a mutual thing. And ACM is one of those freakishly clever and insightful people and I kind of melt when she's witty and commits word play - so carrying her bags was fun.

There's also a kind of "screw you" to the world when a thin girl carries the shopping bags of fat girls, you know? And I enjoy that feeling, so I was totally selfish.

I actually worried my BFF yesterday by not recognising the fact that I was hungry by my hunger pangs, but thinking they were an ache relating to some kind of stomach bug. Yes, I assume any and all stomach aches are actually not benign.

ACM said, "You think like a thin person, but we forgive you," when I related to above to her today.

Yes, well, nobody's perfect.

A lot of the choices I've made, throughout my life and especially the last couple of years, have been due to the fact that I've had the privilege to make them.

I chose to study the Humanities on my parent's dime, because I was able to do so with little sacrifice on my side. I took my time, four years instead of three, because I was not able to handle a year in which a lot of shit happened - so I let my studies go and had to re-do a year.

I still feel guilty about that.

I had considered taking a year off between BA and going on to an MA, because, well, obviously I'll be doing an MA. This is the way the life of a privileged middle class girl goes, right? But first, I should probably get onto a career path of some kind. I enjoyed the Library, I loved being in the Library and I had various Librarian role models that made me think that being a Librarian was a good idea.

Well, the studies made me want to kill myself and the more I thought about where I wanted to go with my life, the notion of being on that path looked less and less like the thing I wanted to be.

So I decided to drop out.

I feel guilty about that too.

It's "another" thing I started and didn't finish. It's another "phase" that fizzled out because I got "bored". Never mind that the studies, depressed me to a degree to which I hadn't felt in a long while, probably not the subject matter itself (though really, my brain felt like it was leaking out of my skull while I was in class), but the frame of being in school, again.

I enjoy learning. But studying...

I feel guilty about the choosing to veer away from this plan, without a backup plan. I'm still unemployed, living off my savings at the moment, working on the side for my father so that I don't sink utterly. There's not a bit of shame involved in that, despite it being a concious choice I made.

And wouldn't you know, I feel guilty about that, as well.

The thing is, my parents were paying for these studies as well and I just couldn't have that any more.

I'm 26, and moved out and still, my parents were paying for my life.

You know, I'd much rather suck up the shame and ask them for help with the rent, than have them help me coast through life just so I can be put on a career path that was numbing me out.

I'm still numb, because I am overwhelmed by death, disease and the feelings of failure that will probably not leave me until I get a job, because I am nothing if not a loyal subject to the economic system.

But ever since I made the choice of leaving school, I've felt lighter and more at ease with the my guilt. I feel guilty for letting down my parents, not for making a choice they think is a mistake - because it's not a mistake for me. I feel guilty for not being financially secure at the moment, but I know that's a dynamic situation that can and will change and it's less to do with me personally and more to do with the structure of work force.
I feel guilty that everything is coming to a head at a time where there has been a death in the family and we are about to begin to revolve around a disease which we thought we wouldn't have to deal with again.

But nothing goes according to plan.

So really, why feel guilty?

For now, it's an outlet for me. Feeling all my feelings through the prism of guilt. It motivates me to try and not feel guilty. Feeling guilty informs me that I am being manipulated, in one way or another.

Feeling guilty reminds me that it could be worse. It reminds me of my privilege, I suppose.

Yesterday though, a song came on my shuffle that really helped me put it somewhat in perspective:


Hand In My Pocket - Alanis Morissette
( no one's really got it figured out just yet )

It's been a week since I moved into my own apartment.

I happen to be spending this weekend without [Sexy!Roommate] but that's all right, because I met with friends last night. A friend from Uni (previous, not current) invited me over for Friday night supper and it was quite glorious. A close-knit group being so warm and accepting towards a "stranger" and excellent food - there were not enough people to eat it all.

And today I work up so very late and had breakfast for lunch.

Apparently I moved into a neighbourhood with quite a dodgy reputation, which I understand where it comes from, it is quite neglected (despite the fact that many of the neighbourhoods, other than the tourist traps and historically restored ones, are equally neglected by the city) and what you'd consider "low class", I can't really tell you if the reputation of dogdiness is warranted. Maybe once I've lived here for longer.

Right now it's raining buckets while the sun is shining. My parents always said that there's a monkey wedding when that happens.

I don't really understand that idiom, but it's something that stuck on my mind, because I can only assume it means monkeys get married under a rainbow.

My room still doesn't feel like it's mine. There are too many things missing and there is still so much to be done in the flat itself.

Maybe you're all bored by all this writing about the changes I've gone though over the past few weeks...

So, is there something you want me to write about? Something you miss reading on this LJ/DW? Are you all busy writing NaNoWriMo?