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kinda numb
So, war.
I think it's fairly clear from my previous post about the Situation, that I reached a breaking point.
I think it had a lot to do with the fact that we were constantly exposed to the news in the war room and were receiving updates about what was going on in Bint Jbiel, add to that, that my partner for the day (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hagar_972), crumbled under the stress, freaking me out since there was just nothing, absolutely fucking nothing I could do to help her.
She was in physical pain and I couldn't help her.
She was in constant cerebral stress and I couldn't help her.
And when she left the room because our fucking CO's didn't give us one fucking ounce of help with the people we are in charge of, I was forced to stay and take over, again, with no help from our fucking CO's.
There was also an inordinate amount of work on Wednesday (when I last wrote), with many deaths, casualties and the peak of accumulated stress, pain, depression and other mental break-downy things.
So during the very numb ride home (as Hagar will attest to) being thanked by her mother for being there for her, for just letting her lean on me (as if I'd reject her and it's not like we don't lean on each other), I could feel all the defenses melt and when I saw Daddy burst into hysterical tears and I mean, uncontrollable crying with snot and spit.
My hands were numb and I couldn't breathe, I think I had a very slight anxiety attack, but I only have my own experience to diagnose myself with.
It did pass and Daddy was very comforting though I think I frightened him very much, because I just couldn't stop crying.
But yesterday was better, the stress was less and there were even less missiles on Israel, which is always good.
It's also very comforting to sit with a soldier in regular service who is so good at the job and really doesn't mind taking over from the burnt out reserve soldier, so I just let him (his name is Yaron) do all the talking, while I recuperated, since it really was an especially slow day.
It was only in the last half hour of my shift when the stations surrogate Big Brother (Hillel) came for his shift and asked me if I and Hagar were okay (since he witnessed the cracking the day before) yesterday and that despite that it was Hagar who broke I also didn't look too good.
I almost broke down again, when I told him about what happened when I got home, he nodded sagely and told me that it was ridiculous the way we're working here and was *this* close to hugging me, but I'm not sure he would (he's religious, but I'm not sure if he's Shomer Negi'ah), but I so wanted to hug him, since he really is like a big brother, being very rational and supportive. He reminds me of Robbie, who I've barely seen in the past two weeks, since he's an Officer and is probably just as busy as I am.
In a completely selfish way I hope Hillel is forced to stay in milluim for longer, just so he can sit with us for a little longer, because really, sharing cookies and hearing him talk about his wife and baby really make me feel a whole lot better while I'm part of a machine responsible for such destruction everywhere, not just Lebanon. This war has disrupted the lives of everyone in these two countries.
Because despite the humanitarian aide the Lebanese are getting, the media are such fucks! They show the poor little children in Southern Lebanon, their eyes wide with fear, well what about the poor little children in Northern Israel! Their eyes are wide with fear as well! You think a child of 3, 4, 5, and 6 know the difference between a Katyusha falling in their garden and a bomb falling in the street next to their building!
I've had enough of this comparison of trauma, a child in fear is a child in fear! And a breakdown is a breakdown! I will not feel worse for someone just because their pain seems to be more than someone esle's!
Citizens, civilians and soldiers... people.
Categorising them arbitrarily, it doesn't matter, being a soldier doesn't negate the fact that they are first a person.
And despite the fact that everyone of the Hezbollah operatives would be happy to murder me, my family, everyone I know and everyone they know... it doesn't stop them from being people as well.
I hate the fact that I am capable of cheering their death.
I'm not sorry they are dead and dying.
I'm sorry that there is collateral in their death and that I am a part of what is causing it.
I think it's fairly clear from my previous post about the Situation, that I reached a breaking point.
I think it had a lot to do with the fact that we were constantly exposed to the news in the war room and were receiving updates about what was going on in Bint Jbiel, add to that, that my partner for the day (
hagar_972), crumbled under the stress, freaking me out since there was just nothing, absolutely fucking nothing I could do to help her. She was in physical pain and I couldn't help her.
She was in constant cerebral stress and I couldn't help her.
And when she left the room because our fucking CO's didn't give us one fucking ounce of help with the people we are in charge of, I was forced to stay and take over, again, with no help from our fucking CO's.
There was also an inordinate amount of work on Wednesday (when I last wrote), with many deaths, casualties and the peak of accumulated stress, pain, depression and other mental break-downy things.
So during the very numb ride home (as Hagar will attest to) being thanked by her mother for being there for her, for just letting her lean on me (as if I'd reject her and it's not like we don't lean on each other), I could feel all the defenses melt and when I saw Daddy burst into hysterical tears and I mean, uncontrollable crying with snot and spit.
My hands were numb and I couldn't breathe, I think I had a very slight anxiety attack, but I only have my own experience to diagnose myself with.
It did pass and Daddy was very comforting though I think I frightened him very much, because I just couldn't stop crying.
But yesterday was better, the stress was less and there were even less missiles on Israel, which is always good.
It's also very comforting to sit with a soldier in regular service who is so good at the job and really doesn't mind taking over from the burnt out reserve soldier, so I just let him (his name is Yaron) do all the talking, while I recuperated, since it really was an especially slow day.
It was only in the last half hour of my shift when the stations surrogate Big Brother (Hillel) came for his shift and asked me if I and Hagar were okay (since he witnessed the cracking the day before) yesterday and that despite that it was Hagar who broke I also didn't look too good.
I almost broke down again, when I told him about what happened when I got home, he nodded sagely and told me that it was ridiculous the way we're working here and was *this* close to hugging me, but I'm not sure he would (he's religious, but I'm not sure if he's Shomer Negi'ah), but I so wanted to hug him, since he really is like a big brother, being very rational and supportive. He reminds me of Robbie, who I've barely seen in the past two weeks, since he's an Officer and is probably just as busy as I am.
In a completely selfish way I hope Hillel is forced to stay in milluim for longer, just so he can sit with us for a little longer, because really, sharing cookies and hearing him talk about his wife and baby really make me feel a whole lot better while I'm part of a machine responsible for such destruction everywhere, not just Lebanon. This war has disrupted the lives of everyone in these two countries.
Because despite the humanitarian aide the Lebanese are getting, the media are such fucks! They show the poor little children in Southern Lebanon, their eyes wide with fear, well what about the poor little children in Northern Israel! Their eyes are wide with fear as well! You think a child of 3, 4, 5, and 6 know the difference between a Katyusha falling in their garden and a bomb falling in the street next to their building!
I've had enough of this comparison of trauma, a child in fear is a child in fear! And a breakdown is a breakdown! I will not feel worse for someone just because their pain seems to be more than someone esle's!
Citizens, civilians and soldiers... people.
Categorising them arbitrarily, it doesn't matter, being a soldier doesn't negate the fact that they are first a person.
And despite the fact that everyone of the Hezbollah operatives would be happy to murder me, my family, everyone I know and everyone they know... it doesn't stop them from being people as well.
I hate the fact that I am capable of cheering their death.
I'm not sorry they are dead and dying.
I'm sorry that there is collateral in their death and that I am a part of what is causing it.
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i try to keep that in mind at all times, i wish more people would consider it
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*ginormous hugs*
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You did Good, on Wedsnday. Really. And you're doing Good, generally - both in the sense of doing a good job, and in the sense of Doing Good.
And I think we should be proud of the pain we feel, proud of the guilt, because this proves that even at war, even at a just war, we are still human even that war is never humane.