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Another two days and it's my day off.
It's hard to say anything after the mega-post I wrote on Saturday; it seemed to spread over LJ like a small fire.
In reality what is there to add? I guess now that my current politics are out in the open I'll start talking about my emotions.
I'm tired, so tired and I've barely been touched by all this. From talking to other people in my station, it started out feeling like a drill; a regular drill; the Army and specifically the Air Force (which is where I served and am currently serving), they like having lengthy drills that train people up for war - amazing how good they are, kind of scary too.
Thing is, I didn't go into this thinking it was a drill, I was very, acutely, aware that this was about human beings, people being shot at, dislocated from their homes and me being in a position of great responsibility.
After six shifts, most of them scarily intense, and having not broken down into tears makes me very proud of myself, since, if you ask anyone they will tell you I am a cry baby, I mean I was nicknamed "Water Works" by my family.
I haven't cried yet.
So while I'm proud of that, I'm also a bit worried, because that means I haven't vented any of the accumulating tension that I can feel building in my spine, shoulders and neck. This also means I'm not getting de-stressed in any significant way and I'm really afraid I'll break down in the middle of a shift.
Another thing is the dissonance between how I feel about the Situation and what I am doing in the Situation.
I hate the Situation (like everyone), do I think Israel's reaction was disproportionate? Yes. Do I feel it was unjustified? No, it very much was. Do I feel it was unnecessary? No, but it was necessary five years ago. I know it's no good dwelling on the past, but if Israel had insisted on the disarmament of Hezbollah when we left Lebanon, this whole Situation wouldn't have happened, or at least the International community would have gotten off their fat asses and done something then.
I realize I'm making the War seem less by calling it a "Situation", but it's a small defense mechanism I allow myself at this point in time.
I am very angry about the way Israel is shown to be the "bad guy" in the media, specifically when Israel warns Lebanese civilians that planes are on their ways, that Israel has said time and time again that we have no beef with Lebanon, and yet the world sees Israel attacking Lebanese civilians as though they are the targets. Do they not know how guerrilla operatives work? They use the local population as bases, strongholds and silos! The Lebanese have two choices, accept Hezbollah, or be murdered by them. Add to that that Israel is keen on getting as many Hezbollah operatives as possible; collateral damage is bound to accumulate, that is the nature of war! One cannot be without the other! I am not washing Israel clean of this, far from it, and I hope Israel at the end of this takes proper care of the displaces Lebanese refugees in Southern Lebanon, but Hezbollah has used and abused them for far longer and in a far more profound way than Israel ever could.
I am deeply ashamed that Israel commits these acts, but I am angry... I am enraged that Hezbollah (it's head Nassrallah) has the gall to kidnap two young boys (because that's what our soldiers are) and use his influence over Hamas for the other young kidnapped boy (who has been held hostage almost a month) in order to further his own hateful, Iranian agenda.
And as corrupt as the Israeli government can be, I cannot imagine any of them being as cold hearted, malicious, cruel and so base as to chepaen human life, as Nassrallah, may his guts be eaten by pestilent maggots!
What he and Hezbollah have done to Lebanon and Israel is far worse than the damage done in the past two weeks.
Okay, that was a political rant again, but in Israel, more than anywhere else, the political is so very personal and one cannot be without the other.
Yesterday, during a slight break in the action, I talked politics (what else) with one of the older miluimnikim who sits next to me at my station; I am quite vocal about how I feel about the Situation and he asked me: "If you are such a left winger (שמאלנית), how can you be so dedicated to what you are doing here (miluim)?"
I told him "There is the world I want to live in and the world I am currently residing in, I cannot in good conscience desert my country simply because I disagree with the way we are going. Having ideals and ideologies, doesn't mean I don't live in the real world and do what needs to be done. I need to do the best job I can in this station, doing any less would be selling myself and everyone in this room short, and that is unacceptable".
It's hard to say anything after the mega-post I wrote on Saturday; it seemed to spread over LJ like a small fire.
In reality what is there to add? I guess now that my current politics are out in the open I'll start talking about my emotions.
I'm tired, so tired and I've barely been touched by all this. From talking to other people in my station, it started out feeling like a drill; a regular drill; the Army and specifically the Air Force (which is where I served and am currently serving), they like having lengthy drills that train people up for war - amazing how good they are, kind of scary too.
Thing is, I didn't go into this thinking it was a drill, I was very, acutely, aware that this was about human beings, people being shot at, dislocated from their homes and me being in a position of great responsibility.
After six shifts, most of them scarily intense, and having not broken down into tears makes me very proud of myself, since, if you ask anyone they will tell you I am a cry baby, I mean I was nicknamed "Water Works" by my family.
I haven't cried yet.
So while I'm proud of that, I'm also a bit worried, because that means I haven't vented any of the accumulating tension that I can feel building in my spine, shoulders and neck. This also means I'm not getting de-stressed in any significant way and I'm really afraid I'll break down in the middle of a shift.
Another thing is the dissonance between how I feel about the Situation and what I am doing in the Situation.
I hate the Situation (like everyone), do I think Israel's reaction was disproportionate? Yes. Do I feel it was unjustified? No, it very much was. Do I feel it was unnecessary? No, but it was necessary five years ago. I know it's no good dwelling on the past, but if Israel had insisted on the disarmament of Hezbollah when we left Lebanon, this whole Situation wouldn't have happened, or at least the International community would have gotten off their fat asses and done something then.
I realize I'm making the War seem less by calling it a "Situation", but it's a small defense mechanism I allow myself at this point in time.
I am very angry about the way Israel is shown to be the "bad guy" in the media, specifically when Israel warns Lebanese civilians that planes are on their ways, that Israel has said time and time again that we have no beef with Lebanon, and yet the world sees Israel attacking Lebanese civilians as though they are the targets. Do they not know how guerrilla operatives work? They use the local population as bases, strongholds and silos! The Lebanese have two choices, accept Hezbollah, or be murdered by them. Add to that that Israel is keen on getting as many Hezbollah operatives as possible; collateral damage is bound to accumulate, that is the nature of war! One cannot be without the other! I am not washing Israel clean of this, far from it, and I hope Israel at the end of this takes proper care of the displaces Lebanese refugees in Southern Lebanon, but Hezbollah has used and abused them for far longer and in a far more profound way than Israel ever could.
I am deeply ashamed that Israel commits these acts, but I am angry... I am enraged that Hezbollah (it's head Nassrallah) has the gall to kidnap two young boys (because that's what our soldiers are) and use his influence over Hamas for the other young kidnapped boy (who has been held hostage almost a month) in order to further his own hateful, Iranian agenda.
And as corrupt as the Israeli government can be, I cannot imagine any of them being as cold hearted, malicious, cruel and so base as to chepaen human life, as Nassrallah, may his guts be eaten by pestilent maggots!
What he and Hezbollah have done to Lebanon and Israel is far worse than the damage done in the past two weeks.
Okay, that was a political rant again, but in Israel, more than anywhere else, the political is so very personal and one cannot be without the other.
Yesterday, during a slight break in the action, I talked politics (what else) with one of the older miluimnikim who sits next to me at my station; I am quite vocal about how I feel about the Situation and he asked me: "If you are such a left winger (שמאלנית), how can you be so dedicated to what you are doing here (miluim)?"
I told him "There is the world I want to live in and the world I am currently residing in, I cannot in good conscience desert my country simply because I disagree with the way we are going. Having ideals and ideologies, doesn't mean I don't live in the real world and do what needs to be done. I need to do the best job I can in this station, doing any less would be selling myself and everyone in this room short, and that is unacceptable".
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#2 I have no idea how to go about presenting them for publication or even which papers I can actually send my rants to.
Do you have info that could help me? Because I really have no clue.
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(Anonymous) 2006-07-25 02:34 pm (UTC)(link)Keep your cool - hope it will all be over by the time I see you.
Love,
Leigh
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Thanks Leigh.
I also hope it's over before you get back, because according to my shifts I'm going to be spending the weekend you arrive at the army.
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And not despite your most rant-like thoughts, but because of them.
There are alot of people around who like to hear information on this situation from a primary source, and you are a rather eloquent one of those.
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Is your name Havelock by any chance?
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You're very brave and I admire you very much. Your thoughts and ideas are very much appreciated.
Thank you.
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(Anonymous) 2006-07-26 05:55 pm (UTC)(link):(