eumelia | Writer's Block: Yes, offense taken

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Okay, wow.
This is actually a good Writer's Block.

I've been staring at it for a good while now.

Because the answer is: sometimes.

I'm being honest here, sometimes, I'm just too tired to confront people and tell them they're "wrong", "off-base", "being disrespectful" etc. Why? Because it's all the freakin' time.
It's prevalent and invidious.
How do you tell someone that their assumptions are offensive?

Is that over-sensitivity? Perhaps, but I'm often been called over sensitive for calling on people who said something about Arabs being untrustworthy, or about Gays "flaunting" their (our) sexuality.
And I'm like: "Die, fucker, die!" in my mind, while trying to calmly say: "Excuse me, but do you have any idea how offensive what you said was?" and then discuss for half an hour how #1 I took it the wrong way #2 It's just an opinion and they're entitled to it and #3 going around in circles regarding the whole concept of treating other people as human.
It's not that hard, honestly.
A little dignity and respect that goes two ways.

But it's not that, of course.
It's much deeper than that, because dignity and respect are concepts to be put upon those you see as equals, right?
Racial inferiors and sexual deviants aren't worthy of the same dignity and respect, right?

Generally speaking, I do not let this shit fly, because it reduces me as a person, to this non-person and it replicates the destructive discourse that makes sure that sexual minorities, racial minorities, women, people with disabilities, trans people and every intersection thereof into something other than human.
And that, plain as day and crystal clear, just doesn't effing fly.

And sometimes... I'm just too tired to deal with it, so I roll my eyes, make a sarcastic remark and hope the conversation moves on quickly.

Good night, y'all.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I completely agree with you!!! It does get tiring (especially if you live in the bible belt), but it always bothers me if I don't say something or show my disapproval in some way. I feel as if I'm just as guilty as them because I choose not to say/do anything.

I hear the Bible Belt is not easy when it comes to dispelling prejudice.
Let me tell you something... no where is easy, because people who spout hateful things can be anyone - and people you least expect as well... that's also what makes this kind thing tiring and at times frightening.

Very true. How do you deal with that? I'm just starting to get a dose of that from some friends who I really like, but they don't seem racist...just ignorant and its not just towards my race. I've called them out on it a few times, but it seems like nothing ever changes.

I think it's really important for activists and allies to recognize that sometimes it's okay to let this kind of shit go. Not because it's okay that it was said, at all. But because constantly confronting and educating people is not our job (at least not full-time, maybe part-time, heh). We need to protect our safety and our sanity if we're going to be effective at whatever our job actually IS, or even if we just want to go about our daily lives without having a goddamn breakdown.

Agreed.

[nods] That's an important thing to remember. We do have to protect ourselves.
Still, I'm always a bit disappointed in myself when I let something go by with merely an eye-roll or a non-critical sarcastic remark.

Yeah... me too. It's hard.

I have been told that it is my job, because if I'm not (black or gay or whoever is being bashed at the moment), it's easier and less stressful for me to do the educating than for the target to do the educating.

I think the balance for me is going to be doing the educating and the smackdown when I can, and if I'm in a frame of mind where I think I can't handle it, I shouldn't do it.

This may sound privileged and picky, but I have very little sanity to start with (medicated and everything) and I'd like to preserve at least a bit of it. :P

I think that sometimes it can be the role of the ally to step up and confront, and sometimes to back off and let a person who is part of whatever group it is to speak their minds. It really depends on the circumstance and who's present. It's tricky to be the one to confront slurs without speaking for people, y'know?

*nods* I mean, if you aren't in the frame of mind where you think you can handle it, it's probably not the best idea for you to get into it anyway. Both for yourself and because of the fact that you may not be so effective if you're not in that educating space.

An out and out racist slur - that I will stomp on with no hesitation. (It causes much eye-rolling and ill feeling at work, but that's one of the few times that I pull the "I'm the boss and what I say goes" cards.)

But when it's clueless privilege at work, I find it really hard to negotiate. I remember being that clueless (not that I would rate myself much above clueless now, but at least I know I'm on a learning curve.) If there's a way to point something out that helps a person start thinking about the things they say, then I want to do that gently if I can, even if it takes a little bit longer to get through to them. It's painful to see your own privilege, where you had been previously blind to it.

I've just been dealing with this on Facebook, with my little sister. I can't dress her down for a racist comment, where I'm a guest in her space. But I can try to point out the other side of what she says.

An out and out racist slur - that I will stomp on with no hesitation.
Oh yeah, direct slurs (in any context) are a big no-no, whoever you are, be an adult and keep your prejudice to yourself please, thank you!

Clueless privilege is very hard to contend with, it requires a lot of self-criticism that most people do not want to do because it's too revealing about ourselves.

I've always confronted these statements...

but lately I'm more about the quick "Yuck" than the explaining why.

Good method. I may adopt it :)

The 'yuck' does a lot to make people know that you didn't appreciate what they said. I've had to use it on coworkers. The usual pattern, I find, is that they knew it was something yucky to say but they thought they could get away with it in present company.

The usual pattern, I find, is that they knew it was something yucky to say but they thought they could get away with it in present company.
That's really the core of the matter, I think. That people know that direct slurs and overt prejudice is wrong, but they (whoever they are) feel secure enough to say really hurtful things, out of privilege and/or ignorance (and just plain hate at times).
So yes, saying "Yuck" and conveying disgust at something makes the sayer reconsider what's appropriate and not.

I'm a sometimes too, and I admit sometimes this is out of a sense of self-preservation and a knowledge that in some situations I'm really being tolerated. I used to work in the pub in the village here, which is a very, well, local environment, for want of a better word. Not very cosmopolitan. I drink with a bunch of guys there sometimes, who all know I'm queer, and to be fair are pretty awesome towards me in deeds, though not necessarily in words, if that makes sense. Whether or not I call it sometimes depends on whether or not there's a wider audience that I don't want to draw hostility from. Sometimes I might just say [Person's name] in a Tone, or "Thank you!" in a snarky way and leave it there.

I do try and call racism and that I can usually do that more easily is, now I think on it, a result of my privilege - I can call people on their racist remarks without having to be too concerned they might be hostile to me personally, even if they don't agree, because I'm white (white, and not a gypsy, since that's the ethnic group that generally draws the most heat where I live). I can't so much with the queer; I'm aware that objecting would be effectively outing myself in some circumstances and that's not always safe to do.

I'm not always as articulate as I should be either. The last incident I can recall, I said "Don't be a shit" to one guy I know, which is hardly a profound teaching moment, though he did in that instance take the point and we did have a bit of dialogue beyond that.

You're right, it is an interesting writer's block, for a change.

When it comes to racism, yeah, I have words, but with homophobia... yes, agreed, outing oneself is not always the way to go.
When you're white and talking to other white people about race then they can say "oh don't be so PC etc." which is just as irritating, but racism really isn't considered to an okay thing to spout and people generally do it when they feel there will be no censoring , at least in my experience.

Homophobia... well, sex is a joke right and us sexual deviants are a joke as well... because the gender norm - which is the cis hetero norm - is broken and thus we're just not people sometimes.
*sigh*
So, yeah.

Edited 2009-10-26 09:43 (UTC)

Writer's Block: Yes, offense taken

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