So the Army called me last night...

[eumelia]

And asked me to come in for a day or two some time in the future.

I wonder if the new Reserve office made it clear to my old Unit that I'm not coming back.
That I'm unable to even think about doing what they want me to do.
I'm not cut out for this sort of thing, I went there to help a friend, I went there because my friend asked for help and I did what I could to help.
But I can't anymore.
Not when my heart starts to beat like a it's pumping it's going into a heart attack any second. When just thinking about going down into that bunker causes me to become this meek, spineless, crybaby.

Daddy asked me if I regret going into the Army last summer and one level no I don't, because I helped people and I helped my friends, but on another, yes I do. I regret that I had to come home every night and cry my eyes out and that I had to lose five kilos of weight due to stress. I regret serving in a War that did nothing but kill people, if we had attained our goals maybe it wouldn't have felt so worthless, but all this War did was make Israel look reckless, aggressive and unprepared for fighting an asymmetrical war.

I'm not cut out for watching monitors that show people being killed, and you know despite the fact that the people I saw die had no regard for life and that their goal was to destroy my home, which contrary to what some people think, I love. I can't fight for it the way it asks of me.

I can't.
I love my country, I hate my government. I love the soldiers, I hate the generals. I love the people, I hate the politics.

I love Israel, but I gave what I can and I have nothing else to give that it wants.
All I can offer is that I'll continue writing about what goes on here and tell people that yes, bad things happen here, but since when has bad things happening, made bad people.

Daddy when I told him that essentially yes, I regret having gone to the Army in the summer, despite not regretting helping my friend, I don't feel it was a good time for me. Daddy thinks it was good for me, "a new experience". And let's not forget the money.
Fuck that.
Seriously.
Fuck. That.
War is not "experience". And neither is a drill, not anymore.
I don't enjoy being a bitchy reservist that causes problems to my old unit, but I've been there and it's not the first time they've been low on personnel and it won't be the last, so they'll have to deal without Mel.
And yes it hurts me to do this, but I come first and going to a Drill is not in my best interests.
And asking me "wouldn't you earn money from it?", is not an okay question to ask when I've explained my position!

Comments

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

I did keep face for you, because that's I felt I needed to do in order to a good job. We both talked about this, I felt that my job was to keep our heads above water if that happened because I happen to be a bit taller and I gave you a piggy bag then that's the what i had to do. And just like you would have refused to move to night, so would I, because you know I never would have agreed to be bumped.
I do get nightmares, but rarely and only after triggers (such as phone calls) and I am handling it, I'm not constantly thinking about it, or trying not to think about it. But sometimes these thoughts come unbidden, you know.
And it's not a roundabout way if I'm just writing it here, I don't feel the need to talk about it face to face, I write it down and I feel purged.

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

If the whole lot of you lined up and told me i'm moving to night shifts? If you caught me told me, "Hon, it's time"? I would've moved to night shifts. I know better than to make those calls entirely on my own. I counted on the rest of you that you'll take me down should it be time, and I do hope that had it been time, you would've have fought it, either. Because the Right Thing To Do is also to know when to stop pushing yourself. And if you weren't able to do that - if you kept pushing over that red line, if you think you wouldn't have gone down to night, if you kept up face for that, then yes, you shouldn't have been there. You weren't up for it and my judgement call regarding you was wrong.

I repeat to you now what I had said to Ziv at the end of his last day shift: "I know you're not totally burned out yet. I know you still have strength left. But I don't think you should burn all the way through. I did that, when I was a regular, and i'm not going to let it happen to another person if I can do something about it."

That's what Moshe had essentially told me when he kicked me out of my first section, what I didn't understand then: just because you can handle it somehow, doesn't mean you have to handle the 'somehow'.

And if you didn't understand that, then I was wrong regarding you.

/

"A bit taller"? *wry smile* Oh, I don't know. In ways, you hid behind my back as much as stood on your shoulders. I did shoulder more responsibility than anyone else of the station, and you did shoulder much of my emotional burden. It's called "working together".

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

We make a good team.

A lot of this is after the fact, at the time I didn't know what my red lines were and again, at the time that was a good thing, but now that I know better where I stand on the issues and how I feel about the whole thing I know I will not be able to handle it again.
I am burned out when it comes to war and war is evil because of many, many endless things, but I'm not naive and know that people, you and my brother and others, have to do what they have to do and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of us don't know where are limits are, the first time around. Some of us get lucky enough to have other people catch us before we burn out too much. Which is why not keeping face is important.

And re second paragraph - *salute*.