Over Sensitive

[eumelia]

My whole life it's been thrown in my face.

As an accusation, more than anything. As a way to deflate my arguments, my words and my own feelings.

I'm over sensitive, so I'm looking to be offended.

I'm over sensitive, so I imagined the teasing, it was meant as a compliment.

I'm over sensitive, so the disparaging looks and gazes hurled at me were imagined, in my head, actually want it to happen just so I have something to complain about.

What does it actually mean, to be called out as "over sensitive"?

It has always, always been used as a way to silence me. It has always been a weapon to cut me at the knees and make sure I know my place - silent and weeping in the corner.

And it's not even being aware that the world is shit and that bad things happen due to disparity in power dynamics and gross social injustices.

This has been my life since I was a child.

And now, as an adult, and I swallow the lump in my throat because everything I say is coloured by this prism of sensitivity.

It is flung in my face too often and getting tips by those who silence me how to deal with the silencing is a small comfort - especially when I'm told they feel sorry that I take things so personally.

My over "sensitivity" fuelled rage wants to take a chair and throw it over someone's head, but social programming prevents me from going feral in a house of residence, or, you know at all.

It's just, you know, this week has had a few wins against the patriarchy, what with Israel's rapist (ex-)president going away for seven years and participating in an event protesting the marginalisation of women in Israel due to growing religious extremism, but reading about the news about Penn State in the United States and that getting into an argument about the position of women in public and the symptom of street harassment and how people do not get that this is all connected, it makes me bury my face in my hands and wail inside my head.

Yeah, if I'm sensitive, I fear how numb so many other people in my life are.

Being called over sensitive is equivalent to being called irrelevant. I am too sensitive to judge anything fairly or have an informed opinion about anything because it the speech of an hysterical woman.

I regret to say I left the conversation. I often do. It is difficult for me to handle the assault over my emotions and my perceptions, because when I fight back I will raise my voice and my abrasiveness will overtake and being of small statue and round face, I do not look like an informed and factual feminist woman, but more like an angry teenage girl with a grudge against the world.

My body dictates the perception.

This is how it has always been.

I'll just sit here and swallow the tears that make my eyes shine and my voice catch, because obviously, it is useless to speak for too long about that which has forced me to grow a skin that feels foreign to me.

Comments

[moonbathe_skin]

You often say things that ring true with me. Often. I am not sure if I say things that ring true with you.

If I'm sensitive, I fear how numb so many other people in my life are.

I say that all the time. ALL THE TIME.

[eumelia]

Thank you.

And yeah, it fucking sucks. This wasn't the first time, but for some reason it cut me deep this time.

[theleaveswant]

YEP. This. Bucketloads of this, and it's awful. *hugs*

[eumelia]

*hugs back*

It is very telling that this resonates with other people.

[akavish]

that which has forced me to grow a skin that feels foreign to me

Pretty much this. And this:

Yeah, if I'm sensitive, I fear how numb so many other people in my life are.

It sucks. I'm sorry that people around you don't get it, either.

[eumelia]

Thank you the empathy.

It's effing sad that we're considered too sensitive.

[xenologer]

I thought this entry was beautiful, in that wrenching and painful way that tells me there are still other people out there. Sometimes I wonder.

Nothing about that treatment is acceptable, but thank you for this entry about it.

[eumelia]

Your comment moved me in a way I find hard to describe.

Thank you.

[silveradept]

There's a lot of argh-rage-smash that I want to do when I read this entry. Because there's so much Wrong with how all of this happens. I'm sorry. For whatever it's worth, I'm sorry.

[eumelia]

Thank you, it helps that other understand where I'm coming from and do see this tactic for what it is.

[ironed_orchid]

You are not over-sensitive, you are passionate, enthusiastic, and caring.

And I'll punch anyone who disagrees.

[eumelia]

I love it when people want to enact random violence on my behalf :)

Thank you for those wonderful adjectives.

:(

[geekosaur]

I have never seen or heard "oversensitive" used to mean anything other than "shut up and get back in your assigned place and be grateful we tolerate you, worthless person".