Daydreams

Mar. 8th, 2013 12:49 pm
eumelia: (get a job)
My week was long and felt rather endless.

I let myself sleep in this morning, I still snuggled under the duvet for about two hours before I felt the need to extract myself from covers.

I feel like my life consists of work, brain melting, and sleeping.

I miss the days where I could write long meandering posts about whatever came to mind, but there seems to be a real effort involved in doing this now. The effort it worth it, and I wonder if it really is because I have less time during the week, or because I'm more careful with my words these days.

Yeah, I also sniggered when I re-read the line above.

I'm almost positive my picture is next to the phrase "puts foot-in-mouth" on more than one occasion. Although work has somewhat restrained me, the casual atmosphere does not help much.

Yes, work is pretty much all I do. I went to one roller derby training and haven't been back since because work fucking eats my life. I know it's about getting my priorities straight and managing my time better, but suddenly the job has become a career.

I still don't know how to deal with that mindset when I'm laziest person alive. I've been doing this for nearly a year, and I don't want my life to just be about work.

I suspect it's the fact that my commute there and back to my room in my parents house has something to do with it.

I'm anxious about moving out, especially to the city (we are suburbia), not because I don't like the city. I love the city and would love to live there. It's just that I'm very seriously considering emigrating at some point over the next five years (and yeah, I need to start getting my shit together for that to actually happen) and living on my own (and roommates, the studio apartment dream died long ago) will eat up my finances.

At this point I have no expenditures and I very rarely spend my money on frivolous shit, which is a funny thing to write when I'm in the market for a new laptop and am planning a holiday in June.

Context is everything.
eumelia: (Default)
I can't believe it's been another two weeks since I've written here.

You guys, I'm sorry, this is a crap way of communicating with you all. Some of you I'm communicating with on other platforms, but for a lot of you this is it, plus the fact that new people have joined my lists here (DW and LJ).

I'm really frustrated that all I'm managing to do these days it spurt our thoughts of 140 characters or less, and lazily reblog shit on tumblr.

I used to write here all the time, about everything.

Now I feel like I'm just scratching my fingernails on a blackboard.

I also feel like not much is happening in my life, so why bother? I know, that's a very defeatist attitude and I need to do something about it.

I will write something about my life today, very soon in fact, so stay tuned :)
eumelia: (determination & courage)
Hi.

I haven't been around much this week.

I'm sorry if I missed something really important, but I don't think I can go through all the posts in my lists to find out. :/

It's been over a week and a half since I last posted.

The reason I've been absent from here and more on the fast paced and less verbose platforms is because I've been extremely busy and tired and feeling guilty about not writing here lately.

Last week due to the storm and feeling cold all the time, I mainly sat around wrapped in blankets and didn't even acquire any of the shows I'd been following lately, preferring to stare at the television screen in my parents' living room and chat with friends while the noise droned on.

This week I'd just felt overwhelmed and lacking in energy after long days at work. I've been given new responsibilities and a big push professionally and I'm under a lot of pressure, suddenly.

January is a rough month regardless, it being the month in which my cousin passed away last year and a bunch of other horrible things happened and changed the course of 2012 FOREVER.

Fandom has also been giving me angst, I know I don't have to read reactions, and I know I'm not really as isolated as I feel, but I wanted to post meta, I didn't, mainly because I was overwhelmed by feelings about fandom, my place in it, whether I have anything of worth to add to the discourse and even if I do, does anyone care.

Add to that that I'm blocked and I'm not particularly inspired by much of what my fandom has been producing (though hopefully that will change now that the hiatus is over?), that makes me feel even more ill at ease.

Whine whine, whinge whinge. I know.

The thing is, and it had to be pointed out to me while I was moping and at my most pathetic, that I do have a voice and I am participating, but you know, Hawaii Five-0 is a hard fandom for me.

I love the show and I love the friends that I've made, but the fandom... I don't always feel there is a place for multiplicity. I don't feel that marginal voices get the attention and amplification they need and I speak as someone who is a shipper for the main ship (among others).

I was spoiled in previous fandoms. But this also one of the first fandoms in which I participated in beyond a discussion here and there and with meta.

Sometimes it feels like I'm doing fandom wrong. But I guess that's just how the cookie crumbles.

I've been consoling myself by reading Dwarf fanfic. I want a beard.
eumelia: (diana disapproves)
A day that will be remembered.

I am finally warm and dry, after spending a day in the rain.

I took a day off from work today and took a day trip up to Jerusalem to stand with 50 other pro-choice women and men who were protesting the fact that the racist pro-life organisation "Efrat" (not linking, as I don't want to give their page any hits. Google is your friend.) was getting an award for their role in "promoting women's rights".

Yeah, promoting their right to dictate what a woman does with her uterus.

In any event, I think I got my crazy feminist card laminated today. I mean, I took a paid day off, on one of the coldest, wettest days of the year, traveled by public transport to a city I hate (the feeling is mutual, I feel), and stood in the hale and got fucking soaked in the name of my right to bodily autonomy and to not be treated like a human incubator.

My sister, bless her batshit crazy brain, came with me. Or I went with her. Either way, we both agreed that if it hadn't been for the other we wouldn't have gone to protest.

Did I mention the hale.

I'm lucky it didn't snow.

My coat was soaked through, as were my boots. My trousers, socks, and shirt. It was a very bedraggled feeling. A sense of continuous dampness from the moment I stepped out of my house, traveled to Jerusalem, and then came back.

I looked so much like a drowned rat, a random woman insisted I take her umbrella saying, "You're going to get wet!"

Lady, I was already wet.

It felt like a day of accomplishments, including the fact that I got home and did the laundry, basically stripping and shoving all the clothes on my back into the washing machine before dashing into the shower. Oh my god, hot water.

A hot shower.

There are a few things that can be truly be considered luxury.

All that was missing was a Slanket. I'm truly pining for one.

But for now, I am basking in the fact that I did good, that my sister and I bonded over feminism, bad weather, Harry Potter, and that I managed to return home in one piece.

Not too shabby, I think.
eumelia: (queer rage)
Originally posted on Tumblr.

I have a co-worker, whom I hate. I would say the feeling is mutual, but I suspect she’s too thick to notice.

She’s one of those people who think they’re funny, that they have insight on matters of life, the universe, and other people’s business.

We’re a small group working together, and we work long hours. Obviously, casual talk will commence, especially when many of us have a lot in common - geekery and gayness being some of them.

I’m out as gay at work, on my team there are two other gay guys, and we’re a majority women team (including my boss, who is a woman), so my workplace has been very comfy for me, woman wise and queer wise.

This co-worker has been making my workplace hostile.

Earlier this week one of the parents’ at the office brought their baby to work. He was a big hit among everyone.

Obviously when there’s a baby in the office we start talking about babies, and the having them, or not.

I mentioned that it was fun to play with them, but it was so much more convenient to give them back at the end.

This co-worker said, “well, you’ve said you didn’t want a family so maybe it is better for you.”

Family

I was hurt deeper than I expected. Yes, I’m an out dyke. Yes, I mentioned that I don’t intend to have biological children, or adopt any. That doesn’t mean I don’t want a family.

That I don’t have a family.

I was erased by her words, her mind cannot entertain the idea of a family that isn’t a heterosexual one made out of parents and their children.

This happened days ago and I’m still thinking about it. She isn’t worth my time of day, I know this. I shouldn’t even think about what she said.

And yet, in her eyes, I’m not a real person.

That cuts deeper than anything else.

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eumelia: (Default)
Eumelia

June 2015

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V and Justice

V: Ah, I was forgetting that we are not properly introduced. I do not have a name. You can call me V. Madam Justice...this is V. V... this is Madam Justice. hello, Madam Justice.

Justice: Good evening, V.

V: There. Now we know each other. Actually, I've been a fan of yours for quite some time. Oh, I know what you're thinking...

Justice: The poor boy has a crush on me...an adolescent fatuation.

V: I beg your pardon, Madam. It isn't like that at all. I've long admired you...albeit only from a distance. I used to stare at you from the streets below when I was a child. I'd say to my father, "Who is that lady?" And he'd say "That's Madam Justice." And I'd say "Isn't she pretty."

V: Please don't think it was merely physical. I know you're not that sort of girl. No, I loved you as a person. As an ideal.

Justice: What? V! For shame! You have betrayed me for some harlot, some vain and pouting hussy with painted lips and a knowing smile!

V: I, Madam? I beg to differ! It was your infidelity that drove me to her arms!

V: Ah-ha! That surprised you, didn't it? You thought I didn't know about your little fling. But I do. I know everything! Frankly, I wasn't surprised when I found out. You always did have an eye for a man in uniform.

Justice: Uniform? Why I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. It was always you, V. You were the only one...

V: Liar! Slut! Whore! Deny that you let him have his way with you, him with his armbands and jackboots!

V: Well? Cat got your tongue? I though as much.

V: Very well. So you stand revealed at last. you are no longer my justice. You are his justice now. You have bedded another.

Justice: Sob! Choke! Wh-who is she, V? What is her name?

V: Her name is Anarchy. And she has taught me more as a mistress than you ever did! She has taught me that justice is meaningless without freedom. She is honest. She makes no promises and breaks none. Unlike you, Jezebel. I used to wonder why you could never look me in the eye. Now I know. So good bye, dear lady. I would be saddened by our parting even now, save that you are no longer the woman I once loved.

*KABOOM!*

-"V for Vendetta"

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