My anger had been building since Saturday to be perfectly honest, when I read a fic which decided to chuck caution to the wind, make up shit about gay culture and gay sex and made me realise how alienated I feel from my fandom in general. But that, really, is beside the point.
I've been pissed off the whole day. I honest to god felt as though my identity was being attacked.
Two columns I read this morning made me feel gutted and ripped.
I'm bisexual. I'm gay. I'm lesbian. I'm queer. I'm all the letters except the T in LGBT. These are things I have been for as long as I could articulate. I use each identity in different circumstances. This is a common thing, I suspect, presenting different things in different situations.
But this morning reading an account of a lesbian explaining herself to straight people in a Vagendamag column called Lesbian, a Lifestyle in which the writers gives a grocery list of the various "types" of queers for the comfort and benefit of straight readers, something which jarred me.
I'm not easily jarred.
The casual way in which she talks about the stereotypes, as though they are taxonomy of exotic animals and birds to be found in the scene, from flamboyant femmes to greedy bisexuals, all to tack make sure we're ticked off the list.
Oh, it's tongue in cheek and in vogue with talking about the commodification of identities, after all, we're not a community, we're merely consumers.
And still, in a feminist mag and column about gay women I expect to be spoken to, not spoken about and yeah, it was jarring.
I'm not an exhibit at the zoo to be spoken about to the curious spectators.
The second article that honest to god made me feel like shit for a better part of the day was this column from the HuffPo UK, titled: Bisexuality: Is It Fun, Non Committal or Just Plain Greedy?.
As you can probably imagine, it was like a bingo card of biphobic shit.
Greedy, check. Indecisive, check. Trendy, check. Half gay, check. Half straight check.
When I was 15 I was confused about a lot of things. One of the things I was quite sure of was that I was attracted to boys and to girl and to to people in drag.
When I was 20 and I'd gone through five years of telling the various members of my family, at different times and for various reasons, that I'm bisexual, I thought I was done. I thought, that's it, who else do I have to tell?
All the time.
I do not like assumptions made about me. I do not like it when my identity, when the word I do not like as a rule, but is the only one I have, is used against me. To be called lazy for not picking a "side"? To be called greedy because of the stupid stereotype that those attracted to more than one sex and gender are somehow incapable of fidelity?
There is no "side", I am not straight! I was never straight! There is no place for me in straight culture and society, not since I was 15, so anyone who wants to talk to me about "picking a side" regarding who I chose to have a relationship with can fuck off.
Two articles that made me feel like shit, written by members of a community I generally consider myself a part of. The former wrote to appease the curiosity and needs of straight readers and the latter decided to write a polemic in which he accused bisexual men and women of being lesser human being on the sexual level.
My god, this is what assimilation brings us, total invalidation and invisibility from those who now have the privilege to be "normal".
It's not easy, because there is a constant demand that I apologise for not being exactly what I'm expected to be.
I sick of being apologetic about existing in the manner that I do.
I'm not an exhibit at the fucking zoo.