eumelia: (gryffindor)
I'm still London, but not for very much longer. Soon I'll be on my way to the next leg of my adventure and leaving Albion for Flatland, aka the Netherlands.

I've been walking so much and keeping tabs through twitter and random notes. I've been quite exhausted by the time I arrive back to my cousin's place.

I have been having a blast though, I didn't think I'd enjoy myself all that much alone, I generally like sharing my experiences with someone, but having a smartphone has really helped with that. When I see something I think is awesome I can take a pic and shoot it off to twitter and I've been emailing my family with pics as well. You're not really travelling on your own when your friends and family are in your pocket.

Tomorrow I have a five hour train journey to the continent. Hopefully I'll post my Cardiff, David Bowie, Kensington Gardens, Tate Modern and Westminster adventures.

Sorry I didn't get a chance to meet everyone who was around, my time was/is limited, but I have no doubt there will be ample opportunities in the future.

Short PSA

May. 21st, 2013 07:00 am
eumelia: (compassion & kindness)

I put a cut on my recent posts due to receiving totally correct PM's from other phobics who don't want to read about my exploits.

I'm so sorry my posts caused undo distress due to my thoughtlessness.

From now on any posts (and I don't think there will be, hopefully) that deal with my phobia will be cut.

Please do not feel shy to contact me about posts that you may find upsetting or triggering, I do not want what I write to be the cause of any distress that can be avoided or at the very least controlled - I know, I read/watch things that might trigger me, but I psych myself up before hand.

All my love.
eumelia: (brilliant)
I cleaned my room yesterday.

Those of you who have been with me for a few years know that this is generally a full day's project, a morning till night kind of deal.

It wasn't so bad this time. I only filled two garbage bags and discarded of a broken computer that was sitting there, masquerading as a dust collector.

My room suddenly has a fresh smell and feels airy. I put a lot of my knick knacks into storage, including my 30+ snow globe collection. I did that when I moved back in with my parents last year, but this time I also rearranged my current collection of stuff.

All this is very mundane, but it's also significant, because once again I neglected this place and I think I neglected you all, which isn't fair, ever.

Hopefully this clean really is a new leaf for me, because I've also been feeling creatively stunted for a while. I haven't written meta in months (for a variety of reasons) and I've been stymied when it comes to fic that I'd like other people to read and not self indulgent exercises.

My life has been pretty monotonous unfortunately, I haven't had time to return to roller derby and I'm basically working all the damn time.

I'm sorry I wasn't around for important things that happened to you guys. I have no excuse other than the fact that long form writing seems to be out of my reach lately.

Love you all.
eumelia: (Default)
Good afternoon.

I've been avoiding my DW and LJ.

The reasons for doing this evade me, but I realised that this is what I'd been doing.

Due to that behaviour I'd actually been neglecting some of my dearest and oldest friends from my own online life.

It's a terrible feeling, realising this sort of thing.

Work has been eating my life and sometimes the very quick and instant gratification of spaces like twitter and tumblr have been more convenient. But I miss you guys and I know it's up to me to rekindle the love for DW and LJ and to make them welcoming again.

I look forward to doing just that, and I figure the 1st of March is a good time to (re)begin again.

Can't wait to get to do all this again.
eumelia: (Default)
I can't believe it's been another two weeks since I've written here.

You guys, I'm sorry, this is a crap way of communicating with you all. Some of you I'm communicating with on other platforms, but for a lot of you this is it, plus the fact that new people have joined my lists here (DW and LJ).

I'm really frustrated that all I'm managing to do these days it spurt our thoughts of 140 characters or less, and lazily reblog shit on tumblr.

I used to write here all the time, about everything.

Now I feel like I'm just scratching my fingernails on a blackboard.

I also feel like not much is happening in my life, so why bother? I know, that's a very defeatist attitude and I need to do something about it.

I will write something about my life today, very soon in fact, so stay tuned :)
eumelia: (oh no!)
I've been so involved in the instant gratification that is Twitter and Tumblr that I've totally neglected these spaces again.

I feel horrible, because I know many of you are here exclusively and I've totally been ignoring what's been happening here.

I'm so sorry guys, especially after you've been here for me so long.

My distraction is no excuse and I hope you all can forgive me for not noticing something big that happened in your lives.

I love you all, my babes!
eumelia: (hey look)
Hello Peoples!

I'm using my friend's smartphone at a wifi hotspot to have internet! It's quite magical.

The guest house my friends and I are staying at had said there was wifi all around, but we ended up having to stand in the corner with our laptops on our heads while performing an arabesque to maintain one bar of internet.

Yeah, it was a bit 1990's.

Still, now with the hotspot I'm surfing like normal (minus YouTube and other random bandwidth eating activities).

Let me tell you how much fun we had driving up to the guest house! It has been rather rainy and wintery (though not cold during the day) and as we drove towards the mountain on which we are no situated, we saw not one, but two rainbows! It looked like it was connected through the clouds!

I almost expected a Care Bear to come sliding down. It was rather gorgeous.

I had a three hour nap, fell asleep in my bra and jeans, that's how knackered I was, dude, I needed that nap.

After we all got up (because we all napped) we went to eat and then basically came back to nap some more, only it was already night so it was an actual good night's sleep.

Today we woke up for breakfast made by the proprietors and then we went shopping! I don't really enjoy shopping as an activity, but there was a sale in many of the shops so I got three cardigans and a hat (which was bought for me as a present, much to my delight), so I'm rather more prepared for winter than I was before this short getaway.

Currently, I'm lounging on the big bed while my close mate reads her book right next to me. I'm wondering how long I'll be able to keep my eyes open before I succumb to another nap.

And why the hell shouldn't I. I'm on weekend holiday.

eumelia: (coffee)
First of all, to everyone who commented, sent me emails, pm's, etc. Thank you.

Thank you.

You are all wonderful and I'm so lucky to have you in my life one way or another.

As you may have heard there is a ceasefire. I'm still extremely nervous as I do not think it will last long, nor do I consider my nation's memory strong or long enough to remind ourselves that our current government brought rockets to the centre of the country and brought bus bombs back from the past.

The occupation, of course, remains and will not be moved at this time, no matter how much violence and damage it puts us through (Israeli and Palestinian).

Despite the ceasefire I didn't go to the office today, but rather spent my entire day working from home. I finished working but moments ago, technically still the 22nd of November, so my work didn't slide into the weekend. Whew.

I didn't go because I was anxious and because there was traffic that would have kept me and my co-workers who live in the same city stuck on the highways into Tel-Aviv for about 2 and a half hours.


So I worked and faffed from home.

I'm rather pleased, but for a totally different reason. The reason being I'm going away for the weekend with friends! We'd planned this long weekend (took a day off and everything) over a month ago and god, I need this. I need this weekend like burning, I just need to clear my head, get away and regroup.

My hypervigilance was way out of whack this week. I have other thoughts about that, but that's for another day, I feel.

Right now I need to unwind from my long, long day of work and prepare for my long weekend ahead, which will be full of friends, puppies and rain!

Plus my laptop, there shall be some writing done!
eumelia: (killshot kono)
It really is the little things!

I woke up to veritable cornucopia of icons made by [personal profile] st_aurafina and [ profile] tailoredshirt made just for me!

I ended up choosing the one you see right there, but I was in agony, they're all so beautiful and [ profile] tailoredshirt made so many!

Thank you both, so so much.

It's early morning here, but you've already made my day. I feel guilty about not being able to use all the other ones but I hope others will use them, with due credit of course! Killshot Kono is mine and I hope it catches on.

The icons can be found here and here.

I don't know what to say other than thank you. Thank you for taking the time, the effort and being kind enough to cater to my little need.

I'm so lucky to have such generous friends.
eumelia: (get a job)
I still haven't gotten the hang of the fact that I am working full time.

All the time I once had for writing here, I now tweet, because I don't have access to DW/LJ at work.

However, because I now work in an office space, I actually have a funny anecdote to share!

As those of you who follow my twitter know, The Company is an Evil Corporation, but my Boss is a lovely person and we get along pretty well for people who only met a month and a half ago.

I work in metadata and content editing for online videos, I'm basically the drudge worker of the IT world. But it does make for very interesting conversation - because we're a team of six people and each of us works on different topics, we often ask each other for advice about how to tag a video.

Today a conversation went something like this:

Colleague: "Mel, what do you call auto-erotic asphyxiation when someone else does it you?"
Yours Truly: "Erotic asphyxiation"
Colleague: *frowning* "Are you sure?"
Yours Truly: "Yes, K, I'm sure."
Boss: "I don't even want to know how you know that"
Your Truly: *grin* "Better not ask then"

And that is some of the stuff we get up to in the office.

I'm very happy to tell you that the sexual harassment law hangs for all to see in the kitchen and that the uber-competent office manager is the ombudsman - that is, she's the one we go to should anyone feel therer is a need to report a case of inter-office sexual harassment.

I'm enjoying the job. Even if it sucks the life out of me!
eumelia: (compassion & kindness)
I'm sure some of a you are waiting for my thoughts on the Hawaii Five-0 finale. Without giving much away, and in a word? Wow.

But something even better happened this week.

I got a birthday present from one of my dearest friends who I never met off-line.

[ profile] verasteine wrote me a story.

It's called Whispers and Blades.

I don't often rec fics in this space, but this was written for [ profile] queer_fest and FOR ME! On my birthday!

She specifically used a prompt I submitted and wrote a truly magnificent story, her interpretation of it revealing an understanding on what it can mean to be gay in public.

Her story is a series of moments in Steve McGarrett and Danny Williams' lives as partners both at work and at home. They have to deal with people making assumptions about them, what they do and who they are, simply because they are gay in public.

One of the things which I think gets overlooked both in the media and generally speaking when it comes to LGBT people, is the fact that we are expected to accommodate people's curiosity and assumptions about us.

Snide little micro-aggressions that fill our lives and colour our experience of it that tells us, again and again, that we're off kilter, that we don't fit the proper continuity in society and that we make them uncomfortable and that we are accepted so long as we adhere to certain conditions.

The little micro-aggressions in the story are peppered throughout, some more over than others, but always elusive, because homophobia isn't always verbal assault and it isn't always violence as we are accustomed to know and see it.

But possibly my favourite part in the end, when Steve and Danny talk about these instances, because they get to Danny is a way that I recognise intimately. The frustration and anger of being exposed to other people's judgement for who you chose to sleep with and how it is made into an issue, as opposed to regarded as just another part of who they are.

Steve says: "Being gay means you're on the outside."

There's a truth in that, because when you're on the outside, your perspective shifts and you are positioned in a way that keeps you from denting the straight default, mainly by being there to be and be judged one way or another for not living up to an ideal that was never attainable for you to begin with.

Thank you, [ profile] verasteine, for illustrating that position so well through these moments between Danny and Steve. Two men, who love each other and push each other, and push against the world.
eumelia: (Default)
Okay, so I now have friends on, but I only know who two of you are (though I suspect I know the third ;))

So, peeps! As you should know I am SandCastle10906, but I would love to know who you are.

I'm screening comments here, so please, leave your user name in a comment so that I can friend you and give you an appropriate nickname :)

So far I've friended everyone who has sent me a request, because I suspect I know you all from here, but still, let me know who you are!

Thank you.

Thank You

Apr. 14th, 2012 07:06 pm
eumelia: (little desire - heart)
Hey there my dears,

I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who commented, emailed and pm'd me this past week.

I'm sorry if I didn't reply to all of you, it's been pretty rough.

I don't think I would have handled Wish's death well at all if I didn't know you were all sympathetic one way or another.

The nights are the worst, that's when I miss him the most.

Thank you, again, for staying along for these hard times and your willingness to read and comment on these posts are so appreciated.

All my affection,

Melody [Pond]
eumelia: (not in rome)
So, hey, it suddenly feels like I'm on ALL the social networks, but I also feel like I'm missing out on talking to you peeps there!

I figured why not make a list of where you can find me!

[ profile] eumelia on Livejournal.
[personal profile] eumelia on Dreamwidth.
[ profile] the_eumelia on Twitter.
[ profile] eumelia on Pinboard.
[ profile] Eumelia on AO3.
[ profile] stillnotanonymous on Tumblr because "eumelia" wasn't available.

Let me know where you are! :D
eumelia: (get a job)
Okay so life sucks, no arguments there.

Thank you, everyone, for your lovely comments and sympathies, they were a great help to me during my twelve hour crying jag. I thought I was cried out, but I find myself leaking every now and then.

Amidst the horribleness that was yesterday, I received a phone call.

As you know, I have had many a trial the past few months, what with health, death, plumbing and unemployment issues making me wonder if I was ever going to catch a motherfucking break.

About a month ago I had a job interview at a big company where a friend of mine works and he handed my resume over to his boss.

Yada, yada, yada.

I got the job. I'll be starting at the end of the month.


So, yeah. I'm pleased about that, am kind of bummed that I got the call just as the decision to put Wish to sleep was being made so I really had to put a whole lot of false cheer in my voice for my now-new-boss.

I'm now counting the my left over free time as holiday and arrangement making time.
eumelia: (mystique)
I had one of the best days I've had in a very long time.

I spent the morning and afternoon with my BFF and a close mate (ACM). Ostensibly the morning was to run errands with out close mate, but really, it was just so much fun for me to spend time with my friends, who know what is going on in my life and with whom I don't have to censor myself.

All three of us went to the mall in order to shop for shoes and pants for ACM. Both BFF and ACM are fat and ACM always has problems finding pants that she really likes.

I think BFF and I were good luck charms because she found a pair of shoes that fit her and two pairs of pants that looked amazing and were comfortable for her.

I was the yak of this expedition, seeing as this shopping mission wasn't a gathering, but a hunt - we had an objective and we zero'd in on it - I schlepped the bags belonging to the fat lady and when I started complaining about being hungry, I was dubbed an honourary fatty just as went for lunch.

Which, you know, yay!

I love spending time with BFF and ACM. Well, BFF is who she is and she's one of those people who is just there for me, no matter what and I'm there for her - it's a mutual thing. And ACM is one of those freakishly clever and insightful people and I kind of melt when she's witty and commits word play - so carrying her bags was fun.

There's also a kind of "screw you" to the world when a thin girl carries the shopping bags of fat girls, you know? And I enjoy that feeling, so I was totally selfish.

I actually worried my BFF yesterday by not recognising the fact that I was hungry by my hunger pangs, but thinking they were an ache relating to some kind of stomach bug. Yes, I assume any and all stomach aches are actually not benign.

ACM said, "You think like a thin person, but we forgive you," when I related to above to her today.

Yes, well, nobody's perfect.
eumelia: (beautiful)
I have one.

Because I need another platform on which to obsess.

Alas "eumelia" was taken, that's what happens when you wait too long to join a social network medium I guess.

You can follow me at Still Not Anonymous (be advised, it may be NSFW), because if I can't have the name, I can at least have the title!

Let me know who and where you are!

Let us enjoy the gazing and sharing at gifs, pics and quotes together!
eumelia: (jewish revenge)
A lot of the choices I've made, throughout my life and especially the last couple of years, have been due to the fact that I've had the privilege to make them.

I chose to study the Humanities on my parent's dime, because I was able to do so with little sacrifice on my side. I took my time, four years instead of three, because I was not able to handle a year in which a lot of shit happened - so I let my studies go and had to re-do a year.

I still feel guilty about that.

I had considered taking a year off between BA and going on to an MA, because, well, obviously I'll be doing an MA. This is the way the life of a privileged middle class girl goes, right? But first, I should probably get onto a career path of some kind. I enjoyed the Library, I loved being in the Library and I had various Librarian role models that made me think that being a Librarian was a good idea.

Well, the studies made me want to kill myself and the more I thought about where I wanted to go with my life, the notion of being on that path looked less and less like the thing I wanted to be.

So I decided to drop out.

I feel guilty about that too.

It's "another" thing I started and didn't finish. It's another "phase" that fizzled out because I got "bored". Never mind that the studies, depressed me to a degree to which I hadn't felt in a long while, probably not the subject matter itself (though really, my brain felt like it was leaking out of my skull while I was in class), but the frame of being in school, again.

I enjoy learning. But studying...

I feel guilty about the choosing to veer away from this plan, without a backup plan. I'm still unemployed, living off my savings at the moment, working on the side for my father so that I don't sink utterly. There's not a bit of shame involved in that, despite it being a concious choice I made.

And wouldn't you know, I feel guilty about that, as well.

The thing is, my parents were paying for these studies as well and I just couldn't have that any more.

I'm 26, and moved out and still, my parents were paying for my life.

You know, I'd much rather suck up the shame and ask them for help with the rent, than have them help me coast through life just so I can be put on a career path that was numbing me out.

I'm still numb, because I am overwhelmed by death, disease and the feelings of failure that will probably not leave me until I get a job, because I am nothing if not a loyal subject to the economic system.

But ever since I made the choice of leaving school, I've felt lighter and more at ease with the my guilt. I feel guilty for letting down my parents, not for making a choice they think is a mistake - because it's not a mistake for me. I feel guilty for not being financially secure at the moment, but I know that's a dynamic situation that can and will change and it's less to do with me personally and more to do with the structure of work force.
I feel guilty that everything is coming to a head at a time where there has been a death in the family and we are about to begin to revolve around a disease which we thought we wouldn't have to deal with again.

But nothing goes according to plan.

So really, why feel guilty?

For now, it's an outlet for me. Feeling all my feelings through the prism of guilt. It motivates me to try and not feel guilty. Feeling guilty informs me that I am being manipulated, in one way or another.

Feeling guilty reminds me that it could be worse. It reminds me of my privilege, I suppose.

Yesterday though, a song came on my shuffle that really helped me put it somewhat in perspective:

Hand In My Pocket - Alanis Morissette
no one's really got it figured out just yet )
eumelia: (music)
I went to a K's Choice concert with friends last night.

Third row centre. Fuck yeah.

My friend ordered the tickets two months ago, as it was an acoustic and sit down concert, it felt very intimate and close - despite the hundreds of other people in the audience with me.

K's Choice have been a favourite of mine for a while now, well since the last time they were in Israel really! I "discovered" them on Buffy, even though I'd heard their songs on the radio and seen them on MTV (so innocent and young... I need to acquire Daria somehow.)

I won't go into detail, but suffice to say, because my life has been kicking my and mine's collective asses lately, I needed this concert like burning.

Because K's Choice's songs, bar none, are poignant and this being an acoustic event... well, my friends very much agreed that I was dehydrated by the end. I know, big deal, I cry all the time, it's something to note when I don't cry. I was emotionally drained and cried out - there were a few songs that had me bawling and I really had to control my breathing to not outright sob. But there you have it.

But I think I'm warranted at this point in my life to be really weepy all the time.

After the amazing concert we went to a cafe right next to the theatre and had French toast at midnight. I love having breakfast before bedtime.

And despite the fact that my laptop's screen decided to die and I cried myself to sleep - waking up and seeing the screen working as though last night never happened cheered me up greatly.

I still feel like I've been sucker-punched over and over again, and just as emotionally drained by last night, but I guess having a good thing happen (along with the birth of my nephew, who I think about whenever I want to have a do-over of the January) amidst all the bad stuff can be a good thing.
eumelia: (gryffindor)
It's been a week since I moved into my own apartment.

I happen to be spending this weekend without [Sexy!Roommate] but that's all right, because I met with friends last night. A friend from Uni (previous, not current) invited me over for Friday night supper and it was quite glorious. A close-knit group being so warm and accepting towards a "stranger" and excellent food - there were not enough people to eat it all.

And today I work up so very late and had breakfast for lunch.

Apparently I moved into a neighbourhood with quite a dodgy reputation, which I understand where it comes from, it is quite neglected (despite the fact that many of the neighbourhoods, other than the tourist traps and historically restored ones, are equally neglected by the city) and what you'd consider "low class", I can't really tell you if the reputation of dogdiness is warranted. Maybe once I've lived here for longer.

Right now it's raining buckets while the sun is shining. My parents always said that there's a monkey wedding when that happens.

I don't really understand that idiom, but it's something that stuck on my mind, because I can only assume it means monkeys get married under a rainbow.

My room still doesn't feel like it's mine. There are too many things missing and there is still so much to be done in the flat itself.

Maybe you're all bored by all this writing about the changes I've gone though over the past few weeks...

So, is there something you want me to write about? Something you miss reading on this LJ/DW? Are you all busy writing NaNoWriMo?


eumelia: (Default)

June 2015

 12345 6

V and Justice

V: Ah, I was forgetting that we are not properly introduced. I do not have a name. You can call me V. Madam Justice...this is V. V... this is Madam Justice. hello, Madam Justice.

Justice: Good evening, V.

V: There. Now we know each other. Actually, I've been a fan of yours for quite some time. Oh, I know what you're thinking...

Justice: The poor boy has a crush on adolescent fatuation.

V: I beg your pardon, Madam. It isn't like that at all. I've long admired you...albeit only from a distance. I used to stare at you from the streets below when I was a child. I'd say to my father, "Who is that lady?" And he'd say "That's Madam Justice." And I'd say "Isn't she pretty."

V: Please don't think it was merely physical. I know you're not that sort of girl. No, I loved you as a person. As an ideal.

Justice: What? V! For shame! You have betrayed me for some harlot, some vain and pouting hussy with painted lips and a knowing smile!

V: I, Madam? I beg to differ! It was your infidelity that drove me to her arms!

V: Ah-ha! That surprised you, didn't it? You thought I didn't know about your little fling. But I do. I know everything! Frankly, I wasn't surprised when I found out. You always did have an eye for a man in uniform.

Justice: Uniform? Why I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. It was always you, V. You were the only one...

V: Liar! Slut! Whore! Deny that you let him have his way with you, him with his armbands and jackboots!

V: Well? Cat got your tongue? I though as much.

V: Very well. So you stand revealed at last. you are no longer my justice. You are his justice now. You have bedded another.

Justice: Sob! Choke! Wh-who is she, V? What is her name?

V: Her name is Anarchy. And she has taught me more as a mistress than you ever did! She has taught me that justice is meaningless without freedom. She is honest. She makes no promises and breaks none. Unlike you, Jezebel. I used to wonder why you could never look me in the eye. Now I know. So good bye, dear lady. I would be saddened by our parting even now, save that you are no longer the woman I once loved.


-"V for Vendetta"


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