eumelia: (rest and relaxation)
2013-12-31 09:18 pm

Thus Endeth...

2013 has been my leanest year by far when it comes to writing here, the reasons are multifaceted and strange, but they the main one is that I have been sucked into the world of micro-blogging.

It may surprise you to hear, but I do very well on twitter (the link to it is on the upper left corner there). The content is pretty exactly the same there and it was here - feminism, fandom, queeriosity, politics, etc.

But friends, I have over 400 followers. That's not as many as some, I don't think my influence is that great - pah! Look at my ego go - but people like what I have to say, this is amazing to me at times.

I suspect that if I could have DW/LJ open at the office (and I sort of can, in a way, now that I think about it) I'd blog more. You see, I work 9 hours a day, 5 days a week (sometimes weekends) and I really love my job, but it doesn't really give me time to write long form. Texting quickly is where it's at and with my job, being connected to social media actually helps, so getting lost in the friends list may not be wise - but it might help my sanity? Who knows, I'm not sure.

I'm still living with my parents, 2013 was the year in which I did not move out, basically.

One thing that keeps me happy is fandom. I'm still watching "Hawaii Five-0" despite feeling like it reached it's peak in episode 3.15 and then took a nosedive to a place I sometimes find myself thinking "what the fuck am I watching?", but Scott Caan, Danny and his relationships with the team keep me going and keep me inspired, so I'm not giving up yet.

It has made me a bit lonely, though. Not being a multi-shipper (the little sparks of Danny/Kono and Danny/Mary and Danny/Almost-anyone-let's-face-it notwithstanding) I find myself a bit estranged from some of the fandom friends I've made when I realised that the majority of the McDanno fans aren't what I'd call home.

I feel very torn and pulled, floating along with the very few with whom I can gush and lose my head with and the fact that the rest of time I feel policed and annoyed.

Them's the breaks, I guess. I'm hoping the upcoming episodes uplift me a bit, knowing a few of the spoilers help when they don't make me fucking anxious because I trust Peter Lenkov et al about as much I trust the piece of Lego I stepped on.

I do hope to get back to writing long form, again.

That's what the arbitrary changing of dates is for, right?

See you on the flipside.

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eumelia: (oy vey)
2013-10-26 04:03 pm

More Thoughts for H50 4.05 “Kupuʻeu”

These are slightly more meta in nature so bear with me, there will be some bitching regarding the direction the show decided to take the whole Billy plot.

Let me first begin that I have to give kudos to the show because they decided to fridge a man in order to give a woman angst. It’s very rare that it happens that way (usually it’s woman dies and man angsts) and it would have made an interesting moment on an otherwise very conservative show.

Alas, did anyone care about Billy?

If you did, then I’m sorry he died. I didn’t care, nor did a great many people. Many cared about Governor Jameson, many care about Jenna Kaye, a great very many cared about Malia (whose death is the most comparable to Billy’s).

It’s debatable as to whether Pat Jameson or Jenna had to die (I don’t think they needed to, personally), but I think it’s blatantly clear that Malia, as a character, did not need to be killed off in order to motivate Chin. And considering that part of Chin has been left utterly untouched and unexplored, Malia’s death was also superfluous.

This is what will happen with Billy, only worse.

Unlike Malia, whose relationship with Chin was cultivated over two seasons and her death was gutting (and fucking unnecessary), Billy was introduced at the end of S3 and was basically slammed by the two male leads throughout his entire existence.

How am I supposed to care about him, because Cath cares? Cath barely talked about him, most of our information about Billy came from Steve (who gave Billy the side eye at the end of 4.04) and well, the emotional arc was mediocre.

Throughout the ep once he’s dead, Billy’s worthiness of love and emotional connection was completely reliant on his status as a SEAL and hero. Cath’s angst would have been moving had their relationship actually been developed and not talked about in a maligning way by Danny (a wholly unnecessary character assassination that brought us absolutely nowhere).

So will there be character development for Cath? I doubt it, because frigding only pushes a character so far.

The attempt to create a moving and meaningful moment for Cath fell flat because the writing deflected what could have been an actual adult relationship between exes, into silly soap opera “Love Triangle” drama to create tension that never existed.

Do better show and give us some actual meat to chew on.

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eumelia: (strength & conviction)
2013-10-26 04:00 pm

Scattered thoughts for H50 4.05 “Kupuʻeu”

Joe and Danny’s scene was superb, superb, superb. In your smug face, Joe. Danny’s loyalty and compassion are impenetrable to your manipulation and instrumentalism! MAWHAHAH!

I think if there’s one thing that got pummelled into us today is that every one of Steve’s parental figures is a horrible human being. Doris, because ultimately the fact that she wanted to be a mother doesn’t mean she was actually cut out for it. Jack, for abandoning his kids once Doris decided she’d rather have adventures than be a teacher and full time mom. Joe, for his manipulative ulterior motives and using Steve like a tool for his own gains.

Always with making Steve a tool and making him feel worthless, huh, parental units.

Chin shouting at Kono to get out moved me a lot. Chin’s eyes, my god, berserk and worried and he’d fly to Hong Kong right now if he could.

The sat-phone is the most obvious thing in the world, the Yakuza could have snatched her right there, seriously.

However, I was mainly bored by this episode.

I wasn’t interested in Billy. I’m not interested in Cath. I’m not interested in Steve/Cath, so the focus of the ep and the procedural left me distracted.

Oh, except when Steve espoused his stupid sexist ideas regarding motive (“Woman scored” and “unrequited love”?). Seriously show, seriously. A little humanity is all I ask for.

And then I got angry about the Navy and the Military and the fact that show loves them a little too much.

Cut for unpopular opinions )

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eumelia: (fatherly love)
2013-10-19 03:51 pm

[Hawaii Five-0] Episode 4.04 " A ia la aku" Review

I think this is the first episode of the season that made me truly happy.

If fact I was so happy I actually posted a short incoherent tumblr entry that included this image:



Yes, that's how fucking ridiculous I felt about this episode, or more specifically, about Danny in this episode.

Because he fucking rocked.

Spoilers )

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eumelia: (compassion & kindness)
2013-10-12 12:30 pm

Good Things in H50 4.03

Danny held a baby. He also gave her a stuffed monkey that used to belong to Grace. He called the baby a monkey.

Chin went to band camp. He plays the trumpet. He likes Jazz music.

Max and Steve are bffs, of course they are.

There was a fuck tonne of X-Files references and Jerry called Danny ‘Scully’. This warmed the cockles of my cold heart immensely.

And that’s what I liked.

I might write about the rest later on, but probably not, because I’ve cried enough as it is.

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eumelia: (bullshit)
2013-10-05 02:34 pm

[Hawaii Five-0] Episode 4.02 "Aʻale Maʻa Wau" Review

I'm not bothering to cut for spoilers, because this won't be long and there won't be that many specifics because I'm just too angry to go into detail

I seriously can't hear you over the sound of the steam rushing out of my ears what with my fury over this fucking episode.

Every single one of the men (except Chin, because obviously his opinion doesn't count over anything other than the technology) can go die in a fucking fire. Billy, I want you dead. Steve, you're an asshole. Danny, I want to lop of your head and play football with it.

I don't know what John Dove, the writer of this episode, was masturbating too when he was writing this garbage, but he should keep his stupid, sexist and misogynistic fantasies out of my show.

For the love of fucking god, will you let Catherine be more than a cardboard cut out? Please? I'm begging you here.

The baseball was cute. That's about it. It was about the only time in the ep that I felt Danny was in character, that and the "hey, stupid" moment. Plot wise, yeah, Wo Fat, whatever, do we care at this point? I mean, seriously, do we?

Gracie is a peewee baseball motor and that was lovely. Did not save the episode, but it was lovely.

I seriously can't think of anything constructive to say. Kono continues to be badass and there to make sure Adam lives. I can't care about him.

This ep is a write off for me along with 3.20 and the LA Crossover. I just can't with character assassination. I can't.

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eumelia: (diana disapproves)
2013-10-04 05:44 pm

Sinead and Miley

I wrote many tweets about Sinead O'Connor's Open Letter to Miley Cyrus, that looking back should have been a proper post.

Here are the tweets I wrote regarding this whole sordid affair.

The more I read Sinead's letter to Miley, the more I see that Sinead is talking specifically about her own personal experience & pain. 1:44pm - 4th of Oct 2013

I don't like what she wrote all that much. I'm pretty sure Miley Cyrus is incredibly isolated & thinks she's revolutionary & edgy. 1:45pm - 4th of Oct 2013

I think Sinead is protective to a fault when it comes to women artists & is blinkered regarding the way public sexual expression doesn't - 1:46pm - 4th of Oct 2013

- have to mean sexual exploitation. Sinead herself has always done what she wanted when it came to sexuality, candidly so. 1:47pm - 4th of Oct 2013

I also think Sinead herself was/is very vulnerable in a way that Miley perhaps isn't. Miley doesn't do anything rebellious. 1:50pm - 4th of Oct 2013

Miley is provocative in the titillating sense, her representation of femininity and beauty are extraordinarily conservative. 1:51pm - 4th of Oct 2013

Add to that her appropriation & objectification of black women's bodies, you have a whole lot of white supremacist entitlement. 1:55pm - 4th of Oct 2013

Sinead could have worded her open letter better than she did. I think Miley Cyrus proves she's an entitled brat. 1:58pm - 4th of Oct 2013

What surprised me the most about Sinead's letter is the fact that there was no mention of Miley's racism. 2:01pm - 4th of Oct 2013

Considering Sinead herself has spoken against racism multiple times in her music & in interviews. 2:01pm - 4th of Oct 2013

Sinead's slut shaming and whorephobia of Miley is wrong. And that lives side by side with Sinead's other points. 2:07pm - 4th of Oct 2013

It's obvious that I love Sinead & disdain Miley. I'm okay with that, I've always loved problematic things & I'll always disdain racists. 2:14pm - 4th of Oct 2013

Not to mention racists who think mocking someone's mental health is fucking hilarious. [TW] Miley Cyrus Mocks Sinead O'Connor: 'Before Amanda Bynes There Was...' 2:15 - 4th of Oct 2013


And that's what I tweeted. Amanda Palmer also wrote an open letter to Sinead about Miley Cyrus, to which I tweeted:

Read Sinead's letter, read Amanda's letter. Still haven't read any white woman "Open Lettering" Miley to quit with her racist shenanigans. 12:45am - 4th of Oct 2013


Why is Miley Cyrus the hub of contention at this point in pop culture? What's she done, other than grow up isolated and entitled to deserve this kind of attention? I resent that I know so much about Cyrus when I have no interest in her music and persona, I really do.

She shouldn't be slut shamed, and Sinead's whorephobia should be accounted for, it disappoints me that Sinead can't find room for sex work and sex workers in her feminist point of view. I also don't think Miley Cyrus represents any kind of real feminism.

Her performance in the VMA awards really brought to a head her callous use of black women's bodies as props and as property, and it also brought to a head that she performs mainly for white women, utterly eschewing a persona that is in any way viable for the (white) male gaze, because if you look at the white men and boys in the audience of that performance, they are incredibly uncomfortable, while the white women and girls are chair dancing to her performance.

Her "sexual awakening" is a cultural moment, the same way Brittany Spears shaving her head was, white girls taking ownership of their bodies and their sexuality in a way that rocks a very unsteady boat of white women's agency in culture.

I think Sinead's own experience and her past railing against the music industry blinker her to the fact that Miley Cyrus is doing whatever the hell she wants in a way that may or may not be harmful to Cyrus, but is harmful to black women.

Miley Cyrus' reaction was heinous and disgusting, mocking Sinead's mental health and breakdown in 2012 is not something I feel is an appropriate reaction to anything.

Both Sinead and Cyrus are problematic is different ways, I don't much care about Cyrus, as she seems not to have a care in the world. I don't really care how she decides to express herself and while Sinead's policing is misguided and wrong, Sinead has been burned badly by an industry she views as evil. Does that excuse Sinead's slut shaming and whorephobia, no it most certainly does not, but I don't think that that position negates the work she's done previously and the care she has with regards to women and the way they are represented in the media.

More and more it seems that other white women are overly concerned with policing Cyrus' sexual expression, whether it's by slut shaming or by saying she has the right to express herself anyway she damn well pleases.

It's a double edged sword trying to talk about this, and it irks me that Cyrus is currently at the epicentre of this, because while yes she does have the right to express herself however she damn pleases, there is such a thing called accountability and she doesn't have an ounce of it.

Maybe that's why I'm willing to continue loving Sinead even as I side-eye her. She's went through actions that rocked the boat and was held accountable at the great personal and professional cost, she kicked up and was burned.

Cyrus kicks down. Therein lies the difference.

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eumelia: (tickled pink)
2013-09-28 03:05 pm

[Hawaii Five-0] Episode 4.01 "Aloha kekahi i kekahi" Review

I haven't written a post episode meta review in a while, so please bear with me.

Cut for spoilers )

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eumelia: (brilliant)
2013-09-01 09:10 pm

Whoa September!

It's the first of September and I'm here!

First of all, oh my god, [personal profile] perspi thank you so much for the DW points, that is so generous and lovely and thoughtful! And brilliant gift for the new Hebrew year. Thank you.

Second of all, it is indeed the week of Rosh Ha'Shana and it being so, I'm really going to make an effort to reactivate my long form blogging on DW and LJ. Who knows, maybe connect the account to twitter (which is where I spend most of my time at this point - it's helpful for work and for fast speedy one liner thoughts that need an outlet.)

Twitter, though, is one of the most passive aggressive platform on earth. There are days in which I feel like everyone is mean spirited, myself included, despite the fact that I try to curb my passive aggressive tendencies by being, well, aggressive aggressive.

It's a finicky thing. I do like the attention of that platfrom and have a very healthy mix of queers, feminists and fans that I follow and who follow me back. I've never been so popular.

It's actually been a stressful time (I know, when isn't it?), Hawaii Five-0 fandom continues to be toxic - it will never stop being so so long as some fans feel they are entitled to shame others in the name of a celebrity who deigned to talk to them - not to mention that the showrunner himself is a racist asshole.

I'll live with the pain, I guess, in the name of Scott and Danny. It's hard, not gonna lie, it takes a lot to just be happy in that fandom, it is rife with bullshit I don't deal with very well, but this is the show that hooked me and it's not letting go.

As for real life, you guys, I promise, in the hour of need I promise to take a selfie with my gas mask on and caption it "Are you my Mummy?"

Funny, right!?

More later!
eumelia: (omg lesbians!)
2013-06-27 10:30 pm

B-I-N-G-O

I've decided to bite the bullet and join a bingo. The last time I joined a bingo I lost my mojo quite early on, but my life was rather shaky and rocky. Now though, it seems things have relaxed.

It helps that I saw another friend on my lists participate in this bingo so maybe I'll be able to be all, omg halp at her. (*shy wave at [personal profile] lilacsigil)

The bingo is [community profile] ladiesbingo and this is my card under the cut )

There are many many options (well, 25 really) and by far the one giving me the heebie jeebies is the crackfic. I'm not really into crackfic. But we'll see what I can whip out.

I want to write more. This is an attempt.
eumelia: (tickled pink)
2013-03-12 11:19 pm

Life. Don't Talk to Me About Life

Work continues to kick my ass. I continue to do well and make mistakes. I can see that I'm not making many mistakes, but you know, no one praises you for a job well done when you manage a day in which you don't have to fix a hiccup.

I've signed up for the ABC H/C Hawaii Five-0 Challenge.

I got the creepiest prompt of them all; "Buried Alive", which I had planned to make hopeless and terrible, because my brain is a lovely place to stay for a holiday. Thankfully my beta-to-be talked me out of my original idea and now I have something creepier, really!

What I don't have is time or discipline. I need to sit on my ass and write, but it's a hardship and I'm annoyed, because I want to write more, but my lifestyle is such that I basically get home from work and vegetate.

Tumblr is very good for vegetation.

I still want to write all the meta and a spiel about identifying with a fictional character in the most profound way, but at this point it just feels like I'm reaching for the impossible.
eumelia: (tickled pink)
2013-03-04 09:25 pm

*FLAIL*

I've been wanting to write this since this morning!

You guys, I was rec'd on [livejournal.com profile] crack_van!

The lovely [livejournal.com profile] kristen999 let me know this morning, I think I would have been completely oblivious if she hadn't.

I totally had a Sally Field moment of "You like me, you really like me!" thing going on, it was rather pathetic.

My story Rainbows Have Nothing to Hide was rec'd here.

Oh man, that was just the self esteem boost I needed!
eumelia: (jewish revenge)
2013-03-02 05:49 pm

Getting Back Into the Groove

Getting back into the groove of writing long sentences and expanding thoughts is not easy. I think the fact that I hadn't been writing here as also prevented me from being able to write fiction and meta.

I had this whole long thing written for an episode and I just didn't manage to get everything I wanted down. I suspect that I might post my meta posts over the next few weeks. Or maybe just try and articulate my own feelings and getting back to expressing myself in a way that isn't about being as concise.

I also feel that I'm on reaction mode. I mean, something happens and I react. I react in a way that is sometimes off the cuff and may not always be the most constructive, but my voice is the only thing I have.

I want to be proactive again.

I'm trying.

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eumelia: (queer rage)
2013-01-22 07:14 pm

Straightening the Tie: a Post 3.14 Rumination

I would like to turn back to the tie scene. The whole court room scene in fact, as it’s a good opportunity to discuss something that bothers as a general rule and I don’t think it’s discussed openly enough in fandom.

About a year ago, I very pretentiously and arrogantly posted a post about “being queer in fandom”, you can read it here (on DW or LJ, as is convenient), and I got a lot of insight from the feedback (and reading what anons thought of me on that meme), which aided me over the past year of teasing out what really bothers me as a queer fan in what is evidently a rather straight fandom.

What I write here, as should be evident, is my own opinion and comes from my own feelings. And while I’m talking about my specific fandom, this is something that I’ve seen happen all over slash fandom, so let me hear what y'all have to say.

It should be readily clear to everyone who watches H50 that Danny and Steve as a romantic couple will never happen in canon. It won’t. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t want it to either.

I’m saying this now, because the season has given us many beautiful moments (on the boat, with the bomb, the straightening of this tie, and many other smaller ones) which have been fantastically fun to explore and have given us great insight into the nature of Danny and Steve’s friendship and relationship.

These are not, as they say, gay moments. They’re not. Because trust me, if they were, we’d know about it. Because subtext is not, I repeat, not representation. And the fact that I ship them doesn’t mean my friend ships them. Them not shipping Danny/Steve isn’t anymore more right than shipping Catherine/Steve, the main difference being, and wait for it, it’s a big one, Catherine/Stave is actual, fucking, canon. And regardless of how you interpret their relationship (romantic, convenience, fuckbuddy) their sexual relationship is canon.

When I hear people in fandom accuse others of homophobia for not shipping Danny/Steve all I can do is laugh bitterly. Talk to me when someone shouts “Dyke” at the street at you, or tells you all you need is a good fuck by a man (i.e. threatens you with rape), or your parents demand you “behave yourself” at a wedding because god forbid I slow dance with my girlfriend. Unless someone has said that slash is gross because it’s gay, it’s not homophobia, so get the fuck over yourselves.

Danny and Steve are not “gay for each other” (may that trope die in the fiery pit from whence it came) and the insistence of certain places in fandom that they are, is fucking offensive. Let me tell you why. It smacks of appropriation. Just like saying that not shipping a certain ship is homophobia, the insistence of that ship is a fetishisiation of a fantasy of same sex male relationships.

I hate the marriage jokes and the “dads” comment. When I hear them and see them, all I feel like is a punch to the gut. As though any kind of close same sex friendship is something to mocked, especially if it’s between two men.

As mentioned, those are jokes, my best friend and I have been mistaken for a lesbian couple, we’ve been told that we act like we’re married.

We’re not together and we never were. She’s happily married to her partner and I’m happily single being very lazy about finding love.

In the show, the idea of Danny and Steve being “married” and a couple is laughable and a joke, thus it is presented as such. It is constantly averted in order to maintain them being canonically straight. What is explored in the show and what makes it special is the nature of male/male friendship and the expression of those feelings in a way that is uninhibited.

Slash is an interpretation. Slash isn’t representation.

When I see factions of fandom insist on the “canon “of Danny and Steve as a gay couple all I see is a bunch of entitled fangirls appropriating gay identity and culture.

If you really want LGBT content, stop trying to make your own personal OTP into a peepshow and go look for shit on your own. No, really, here you go.

If your *squee* feels harshed I’d like you to take a step back and consider that some of us are invested in actual LGBT content because for the love of god, we need it. I need it. I’m not looking for gay content on Hawaii Five-0, but I would like my identity as a gay and bisexual woman to be fucking respected and to not have it appropriated for the benefit of someone else’s *squee*.

I love this show and I love fandom and I want us all to do better.

H50 is not the only fandom to do this. This is a pan-fandom issue that needs to be discussed openly and internally, because I honestly don’t care about the way we’re perceived by others, it’s not about them, it’s about us.

While I don’t think the show queerbaits as such, the fandom can behaves like it does. Moreover, it behaves like queerbaiting is a good thing, when all it is, is the creators having their progressive cake and eating it. I’m glad Lenkov et al aren’t falling into that trap, because no matter how much we insist, H50 transformative fandom on Tumblr and AO3 and LJ/DW is tiny. And while we may be loud, we are not the target audience and he certainly doesn’t cater to us (no matter how much he likes the vids and the fanart, and it's awesome that he does).

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eumelia: (shine)
2013-01-22 04:52 pm

[Hawaii Five-0] Episode 3.14 "Hana I WaʻIa" Meta

It’s been a while since I wrote one of these, so please excuse any flickering of random thoughts and observations that may seem totally disconnected, but I promise they all make sense.

I was spoiled for this episode. Spoilers For You )

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eumelia: (beautiful)
2013-01-22 12:28 pm

[Hawaii Five-0] Episode 3.14 "Hana I WaʻIa" Reaction

Okay so, my reaction is basically this.

Spoilers )

Check back later for something a little bit more lengthy and analytical. It won't be now :P
eumelia: (determination & courage)
2013-01-18 08:54 pm

*knock knock*

Hi.

I haven't been around much this week.

I'm sorry if I missed something really important, but I don't think I can go through all the posts in my lists to find out. :/

It's been over a week and a half since I last posted.

The reason I've been absent from here and more on the fast paced and less verbose platforms is because I've been extremely busy and tired and feeling guilty about not writing here lately.

Last week due to the storm and feeling cold all the time, I mainly sat around wrapped in blankets and didn't even acquire any of the shows I'd been following lately, preferring to stare at the television screen in my parents' living room and chat with friends while the noise droned on.

This week I'd just felt overwhelmed and lacking in energy after long days at work. I've been given new responsibilities and a big push professionally and I'm under a lot of pressure, suddenly.

January is a rough month regardless, it being the month in which my cousin passed away last year and a bunch of other horrible things happened and changed the course of 2012 FOREVER.

Fandom has also been giving me angst, I know I don't have to read reactions, and I know I'm not really as isolated as I feel, but I wanted to post meta, I didn't, mainly because I was overwhelmed by feelings about fandom, my place in it, whether I have anything of worth to add to the discourse and even if I do, does anyone care.

Add to that that I'm blocked and I'm not particularly inspired by much of what my fandom has been producing (though hopefully that will change now that the hiatus is over?), that makes me feel even more ill at ease.

Whine whine, whinge whinge. I know.

The thing is, and it had to be pointed out to me while I was moping and at my most pathetic, that I do have a voice and I am participating, but you know, Hawaii Five-0 is a hard fandom for me.

I love the show and I love the friends that I've made, but the fandom... I don't always feel there is a place for multiplicity. I don't feel that marginal voices get the attention and amplification they need and I speak as someone who is a shipper for the main ship (among others).

I was spoiled in previous fandoms. But this also one of the first fandoms in which I participated in beyond a discussion here and there and with meta.

Sometimes it feels like I'm doing fandom wrong. But I guess that's just how the cookie crumbles.

I've been consoling myself by reading Dwarf fanfic. I want a beard.
eumelia: (Default)
2012-12-21 08:53 pm

Saw "The Hobbit"

Brilliant movie, it was like coming home after a decade, especially seeing as I went to see it with my brother who forced me to read the books back in the day.

I saw the "Lord of the Rings" back in the day and loved them too.

Though unlike LotR, the Hobbit was like watching a Viking mash-up of the book of Exodus and the Seder Hadaga (as I mentioned on tumblr), the Jewish metaphor was strong.

I'll be seeing it again in a few weeks.

I highly recommend it.

Yeah, I know, usually I have more to say about this sort of thing, but I feel like a proper review will have to wait for next year, because then I'll see how it ends.
eumelia: (a face)
2012-12-18 01:36 pm

[Hawaii Five-0] Episode 3.11 "Kahu" Reaction

Still home sick, so before I lose myself in tumblr and twitter and everything else "Hawaii Five-0" here is my meta reaction!

Spoilers!!! )